Lament

I'm Mary and I'm Martha all at the same time;

I'm sitting at His feet and yet I'm dying to be recognized.

I am a picture of contentment and I'm dissatisfied.

Why is it easy to work and hard to rest sometimes?

I'm restless, and I rustle like a thousand tall trees;

I'm twisting and I'm turning in an endless daydream.

You wrestle me at night and I wake in search of You...

but try as I might, I just can't catch You

But I want to, because I need You, yes, I need You

I can't catch You, but I want to.

How long, how long until I'm home?

I'm so tired, so tired of running

How long until You come for me?

I'm so tired, so tired of running

How long, how long until I'm home?

I'm so tired, so tired of running

How long until You come for me?

I'm so tired, so tired of running

I'm so tired, so tired of running

I'm so tired, so tired of running

I can't begin to tell you how many times I've heard the story 

of Mary and Martha. The passage comes from Luke 10:38-42 

"Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman namedMartha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

Usually accompanying this bible lesson is a question at the end. One might ask "Are you a Martha? Are you busily running around making sure everyone is taken care of and making sure everything looks good? Or are you a Mary? Are you sitting at the feet of Jesus listening to what He's saying?"

Note that Martha went to Jesus and basically says "Umm...hello? Jesus? Yeah...could you tell Mary to get her butt in gear and help me mop the kitchen? I still need to wash the dishes and make dinner and feed the chickens and then I have to go get the kids from school and lead the PTA meeting and wash the cleats before the soccer game and..."

Okay. Maybe she didn't say all that. But do you get the picture? She wanted to make sure Jesus knew she was trying to get it all together and she wanted some recognition for all the hard work she was doing. 

Jesus says "Hey, calm down. Quit worrying about the small stuff. I'm here, and all I want is your undivided attention." 

If you're anything like most people you come away from the lesson and think "Oh man oh man...I'm a Martha."

But how many of us see our personalities in both of the women from the story?

Hear me out...

There's Martha who's freaking out because everything isn't done. Then there's Mary who was amazed at Christ's presence and just wanted to drink it all in. 

I've been Martha. Heck, I've been Martha DOZENS of times just today. Today! I have a 15 page research paper for one class, a 12 page paper due for another class, an 8 page story due for a creative writing class, and a handful of modules and assessments due in another class. I just found out that I have to sit around campus next semester and take 12 credit hours, but I only need ONE class to get into the Pre Residency program. (Translation: Eventually, I'll graduate in Spring of 2018. If things had gone like I had planned I'd be outta Memphis in Fall of 2017. AKA I should have listened to my mother and not my advisor, but don't tell my mom I said that.) God has been on my mind, but my prayer today has sounded a lot like "Hey God...it's me. Melissa. Do you SEE me down here? I'm working my butt off taking 15 hours a semester and maintaining a 3.15 GPA and for what? A late graduation. What are you doing up there? I thought we were on the same page. I had a plan man. How is all THIS glorifying your kingdom? Huh?" 

Imagine a chicken with it's head chopped off running through a field of meat cleavers trying to avoid getting anything else lopped off and deep fried. I am that chicken. The end of semesters are hard for us college folk. In addition to school we're trying to figure out this whole "adulting" thing. It's ridiculous, and rumor has it is that it gets harder as we get older, and that these are the best years of our lives...*gulp.*

Sometimes I'm a Mary though. Sometimes I genuinely am at the feet of Jesus and I just thirst for what He has to say. Sometimes I stay current on my bible reading plans, I am in the word and in fellowship with other believers, sometimes my prayer life is going pretty great, and sometimes I think for about half of a millisecond that I have my life together.

And do you know what happens?

My head gets two sizes too big for the room I'm sitting in and I think to myself "Look who's got her life together? Boo-yeah." (just kidding. I haven't said Boo-yeah since Ron Stoppable and Rufus were eating Nacho Cheese on Disney Channel.)

I've always struggled to say that I'm entirely Martha or entirely Mary. I never particularly liked having to pick one or the other. If I say Martha I'm going to feel like a bad christian who isn't sitting still long enough to hear the word of God. If I say Mary then I'll feel like a bad christian because people will think I'm self-righteous and prideful. It's a lose-lose. 

Recently I stumbled across this song by Audrey Assad and it's quickly become my absolute favorite.

"I'm Mary and I'm Martha all at the same time." *insert hands in the air emoji*

"I'm sitting at His feet..."  (Like Mary) "...but I'm dying to be recognized" (Like Martha.)

"I'm a picture of contentment..." (Like Mary) "...but I am dissatisfied." (Like Martha)

"Why is it easy to work (Martha) and hard to rest (Mary) sometimes?"

Does anybody else feel me on this one? Do you think that mayyyyyybe we can be guilty of being both?

Psalm 86 is an account of David's plea with God asking Him to respond and show that He understands how David feels. David is lamenting because he doesn't know what else to do. He's in this place where he can't do anything else but turn his eyes to heaven and say "God, what is going on? Why don't you see me? Why aren't you listening? Why don't you understand?" I can't tell you how many times I've said that prayer or one similar. I've been through that season of life where you wake up in the middle of the night and you feel so alone on your insides that you don't have anything else to do but cry and through your tears shake your first at God and ask Him what His purpose is for this life you're living. I get it. So I really understand when this song is saying "You wrestle me at night and I wake in search of you."

When I was in high school I heard a sermon on a Saturday night in the auditorium of my church that changed my life. I have no clue what the sermon was about as a whole, but I remember listening to my pastor saying 

"Our God is not a god who is far removed. He knows our loneliness, our anxieties, and our frustrations. He knows every part of us and He accepts us just as we are. He isn't waiting for you to get your life together. He isn't waiting for you to save your marriage, or to get out of debt. He isn't waiting for you to stop drinking. He isn't waiting for you to kick an addiction. He isn't waiting for that. He wants you to come to the foot of the cross and He wants you to accept this gift of love and grace that He has freely bestowed on you because you are His child."

God doesn't want us to try to get everything together before we approach Him. He doesn't want me to come to Him saying "Ok God, I had six papers due this week, a promotion at work, three different coffee dates with friends, a luncheon with some family members, two bible studies, choir practice, and on top of all that I had to handle grumpy professors, my car breaking down, a child running off from the playground at work, a friend who was diagnosed with a fatal disease, bitter coworkers, and the partridge from the freaking pear tree BUT I handled everything on my own and now after all that's taken care of you and I can enjoy a nice Sunday afternoon."

God isn't some third or fourth cousin you see twice a year and try to summarize the story of whatever season of life you're in during one two or three hour sitting at a family dinner or something. "Hey there! Yeah, the kids are great. Work is hard but I have a job right, so who am I to complain? Mom is doing great. Yes, we've been having beautiful weather! It was so great to see you! We'll have to get together more often!" God wants a relationship with you. The good, the bad, and the ugly. He wants us to pray honest prayers like the one represented in this song by Audrey Assad when she's using the prayer of David as a basis for this song that relates her life so strongly to the struggling christian. 

We've all been there, and undoubtedly we will be there again. We'll fall into that pit of desolation and fear in which we feel as though we will never overcome the trials that we face. We have a choice in how we handle it. We can choose to make feeble attempts in which we try to overcome it on our own or we can choose to humble ourselves and be honest with God about our feelings and ask Him to help us overcome what we are being faced with.

With Christ we are more than conquerors.