Ok God...

"But God...I was comfortable. Why on earth would you ask me to do something differently? I'm terrified! This is ridiculous! What if this doesn't work out? I prayed to seek wisdom and guidance but this isn't what I meant. Are you kidding me? This is the scariest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life."

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. I will be with you wherever you go.

"Ok...but...you must not understand. What if I disappoint someone along the way? What if I mess it up? Why on earth would you ask me to do this?"

I am the great I am and I will be with you.

"Ok God ok. How am I going to do this though? I barely made it through today without having an emotional breakdown. You can't honestly think that I'm going to be able to do the same thing tomorrow or the next day or the day after that? I'm not going to be able to do this! You know that right?"

Do not worry about tomorrow, Melissa. Tomorrow has enough to worry about on it's own. Do not fear. I have called you by name and you are mine. I have equipped you with exactly what you need.

"I know that God, I believe you...but what if people don't understand? What if they're upset. What if they stop talking to me and I lose those relationships? What if I fail miserably and I am a disappointment? 

I am the stronghold of your life. Who else will you fear? In my presence you will find the fulness of joy. What else do you need? Are you seeking the approval of others or of me? If you're still looking to please other people you can't fully serve me...you can't serve two masters.

"It is no longer I, but Christ who lives in me...ok God. I know. But I just do not want to do what I feel like you are leading me to do. This is painful. I don't know how to do this. I can't do this on my own. If I do this I may not have anybody. Do you understand what that would mean? I could wind up even lonelier than I already feel. Surely that's not what you want?"

Melissa. You have me on your side, and if I am for you then who could be against you? I will not give you a spirit of timidity but one of boldness and love. There is no fear in love because my perfect love casts out fear. Be strong and courageous because I will be with you wherever you go; I will not leave you or forsake you. I will strengthen you and uphold you with my righteous right hand. Stand firm in faith and allow me to help you.

"There's no way around this, is there Lord? I may want it my way, but that's just not your will, is it? I really do just have to take a leap of faith here...don't I?"

Melissa, I know the plans that I have made for you. I promise they are plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Continue to ask me for wisdom and I will give it to you freely. Trust not on your own understanding but in all that you do lean on me and trust that I will make your paths straight for you.

"Your kingdom come....your will be done...in all circumstances. Not just the easy ones."

Yes.

"...I have a peace about it...but it's still hard. This isn't what I wanted."

I know. I know all of your thoughts and what you feel before you even think them. I knew this wasn't going to be easy for you, but I never promised that this life would be easy. Did I?

"Nope."

Regardless of how you feel my love is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. You are my child and I need you to trust that I have a plan to make all things come together and work out to show my glory. 

"Ok...I can do that. But it's not going to be easy for me. I'm going to need help remembering that you've got this. All of this. I'm going to try really hard not to grasp onto anything and let you take control of this one....but I'm also probably going to mess up."

Persevere. Don't give up. Keep trusting. Keep talking to me. Wake up each morning and embrace the new mercy that I have bestowed upon you. Draw near to me and I will draw near to you.

"Ok God...b-but what it I don-"

Do not conform to this world. Be transformed by renewing your mind and focusing on me. Then you will be more adept to see my pleasing and perfect will. Be still my child, and know that I am God.

"Ok God."

Though the music changes, and the songs we sing, we still lift our praises to our loving God and King. Though the seasons change, your love remains. 
Lord you've been faithful to plant the seeds and you will be faithful to send your rain. Though the seasons change, your love remains.
When we were far apart you came running with open arms.Though the seasons change, your love remains. 

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven;

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant and a time to pluck up what has been planted;

a time to kill and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

-Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

I will not be a Helen Parr in 2017

There are two types of people in this world: those who make resolutions and those who do not. Usually I am not one who does, but you're going to have to excuse my cliche' New Year New Me rant this year.

Someone asked me recently how they could pray for me, and I told them I felt discouraged and that I felt like I was facing a lot of spiritual warfare.

Facing spiritual warfare was my go to prayer request for 2016. That's what I said when I was anxious. That's what I said when I was angry. That's what I said when I felt alone. I just blamed it on the devil and didn't make any sort of game plan to beat him at his stupid game of making me feel inadequate and unworthy. If the Superbowl results were released on December 31st, and my reflection on how my 2016 went portrayed my score then the board would have flashed in big letters: SATAN WINS!!! MELISSA LOSES.

Yesterday was January 1st, 2017 and my social media was flooded with resolutions and reflections. People going on and on about all the things they accomplished and all these great things they planned to do. And I sat there with arms folded and a scowl on my face because I have struggled with my 'spiritual warfare' all year long...and I felt just as discouraged by it on December 31st, 2016 as I did on December 31st 2013, '14, and '15.

So I started to do my own version of the cliche' New Years thing...and I started to reflect. And I started to ask myself why. And the more I thought about it, the more angry at myself I got and the more I had write it out so I could process it. Because it's 100% my own fault.

Have you ever seen the Incredibles? There's a scene in that movie where one of the main characters feels sorry for herself and she turns to her friend for sympathy. But her friend doesn't give it to her. Instead, she slaps her upside the head and tells her to pull herself together.

I needed to pull myself together. I need to confront the problem! I need to fight! I must win!

And in order to fight and win, I believe that I have to be honest. Because the more I thought about it, the more I felt drawn to the conclusion that I can not be alone in my struggle. I felt prompted to share it, so maybe if you're dealing with what I've been dealing with we can deal with it together this year instead of crying into toilet paper feeling sorry for ourselves on December 31st, 2017 while someone else who succeeded in their resolutions slaps us on the back of the head with a rolled up newspaper. 

I will not be Helen Parr. So, here goes nothing...

I know myself well enough to shamefully admit that I know I do everything I can do to make other people happy. I am a people pleaser. If you know me at all, then this isn't new information. I've admitted it before, and I've said I'd work on it. This time, I'm getting to the roots of why I think I'm a people pleaser and it's one of the messiest things I've ever written/admitted. I apologize now if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but I'm not sorry for my honesty. If messy and broken freaks you out go ahead and stop reading now. You can go dust off your copy of The Incredibles and grab a bowl of popcorn for a trip down nostalgia road. (That movie came out eleven years ago! It's fabulous though, so even if you continue reading and you aren't avoiding the corner of the internet covered in my messy and broken you should still go watch it later.) Anyway, back to the topic at hand:

When I try to make people happy, one of two things happen:

1. I let myself down.  I disappointed someone. I made someone mad. I upset someone. I didn't do something the way someone wanted me to do it. I fall short and I beat myself up over it. I fail.

2. Someone else lets me down. They fail. They disappoint me. They made me mad. They made me upset. They didn't do it the way I wanted them to do it. They fall short and I get even angrier. They fail.

What's the common denominator?

God isn't a part of either outcome because God isn't a factor in the original problem.

I do everything I can do to make other people happy...

Where do I leave room for Christ in that scenario? I don't. Not until the end anyway.

When my attempts at pleasing other people fail: God, why? Why am I not good enough? Why didn't they think that was great? Why did you make me like this? Why am I not more like that other person? Why are you leaving me high and dry with no where to turn to? What are you doing? Where are you? Why don't you love me? 

When my attempts at pleasing other people succeed: God, aren't you proud of me? Look at what I did! Isn't it marvelous? I'm the best thing since sliced bread or manna from the sky on a Wednesday or something! I did that all on my own, aren't you pleased? Look! I get a gold star now! Actually, that was really  hard. Go ahead, give me two or three! Oh I love you God! You're the best! 

It's a rude awakening to type that out, and while I'm exaggerating slightly that's still brutally spot on.

I am a "good" girl. When people do those super predictable team building activities with me, and they have to write down one word that describes me; I always hear the same self-confidence boosters.

Melissa is nice. Melissa is sweet. Melissa is kind. 

I'm the poster child for being your go-to girl. Need someone reliable? Me! Need someone responsible? Me! Need someone who recycles? Me! Me! Me!

And being that person makes me so so happy! When I hear the words that affirm who I'm trying so hard to be I get a satisfaction that is almost unexplainable. I become obsessed with my 'goodness' and it permeates everything I do. But even being good is very bad when you do it with wrong intentions.

I strive to be good so that I feel good about myself. Which is selfish.

I strive to be good so that I make you feel good about yourself...so you'll like me. Which is selfish.

I strive to be good so that I can talk to God and talk about all the wonderful ways that I glorified Him today and made sure others saw His light through me. Which is selfish.

Selfishness. Pride. Doubt. Bitterness.

I stop and consider my discontentment with my circumstances or find myself unhappy in situations; I can almost always point back to one of those four feelings. And now the truth is out there...

For someone who's supposed to be a Christian being renewed by the Holy Spirit and serving others with humility and grateful heart I sure sound like I relate to other people in the world who aren't christians. I sure sound like everyone else when we scrape off all of that "good" stuff and unveil the truth.

I sound like other people in the world.

I sound worldly.

B-b-but...but...the bible says do not conform to the patterns of this world. And my Sunday School teachers told me all about worldly things: sex. drugs. fame. money. drunkenness. immodest clothing. cuss words. blasphemy. I've thought for years and years and years that worldly things=things that are bad.

I am so so wrong.

Because selfishness, pride, doubt, and bitterness are worldly too. My desire to please others is worldly. My justified worry to plan for my future is worldly. I recently realized that I am caught up in worldly things just as much as a non-believer is, but my worldly things are disguised by smiles and morality. You can't judge my intentions, because usually you don't know them...so I'm safe. My secret is well kept and I can go on floating through my life and routines...all the while fooling most.

Since becoming a Christian I have heard the verse "Do not conform to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" dozens and dozens of times. It's one of those famous verses that people quote all the time, and after a while repetitive phrases kind of lose their potency. I stopped viewing "worldly things" as things that were not of God and began justifying "worldly things" as things that were not moral. The line between morality and christianity was blurred, and rather than living my life sold out for Christ I have been living my life as one who is sold out for comfort and safety of things that add on to my definition of what a 'good' girl should be.

I've heard Romans 12:2 recently a lot, and each time I heard it I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and tuned it out. I'm a christian. I'm a good person. Jesus loves me. Most people like me. The only thing I need to transform is that number on my jeans from two digits down to one. I'm good.

No I am not. I am not good. I do not have it together. I am not capable of doing anything independently outside of Christ. Period.




So, after a lot of unnecessary soul-searching over an answer that was right under my nose, I made the resolution to fight and win. I will not be defeated because I was having a pity party instead of gearing up with the armor of God. My goal for 2017 is to transform my attitude and my perceptions of the things going on in my life. I don't know what that will look like just yet, but I'm going to figure it out one day at a time by pursuing the wisdom and love of Christ. I will not conform to my patterns of selfishness and pride like I have in the past.

I went to look up what Romans 12:2 said ver batim to place it as the closing remarks for this post, and lo and behold look what the entire verse actually says. (Emphasis added.)

Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." (NIV)

Romans 12:2 "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." (NLT)

Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." (ESV)

I can't see what God's g-o-o-d and p-e-r-f-e-c-t will is when I am in the world. THAT'S why I must transform the way I think about the world and the things in it.

Ok Jesus, I'm listening. For real. I get it. Wow.

My 2017 resolution has been set. What's yours?