The media sucks. I mean it really, totally, completely, one hundred percent just sucks. I read this particular article, and rolled my eyes and closed the tab before I finished the third sentence. I opened the link while scrolling down my Facebook page this evening because I noticed that four or five of my friends had shared the article, so I thought maybe this one would be a good one.
If you read the article...
Do NOT stay single until you meet a guy like this. Did you read that right? It's worth repeating: DO NOT wait around for a guy like that.
Because he doesn't exist. He's not real. And I'm telling you this because I vividly remember sixteen year old me sitting at the computer and reading a blog post that one of my small group leaders had written telling me the same thing. (Highly recommend you go read it! ASAP! Seriously. Open it up in a new tab real quick and read through it. I'll wait here...you won't miss much. Here's the link again, just in case you need it: link. Go on...)
This perfect boyfriend who lives in the corners of your imagination doesn't actually exist. Jessica put it more eloquently than I'll ever be able to...
"...Guys don't walk around and write love songs for us, they don't hold boom boxes outside our windows. They don't remodel houses in our honor and then say "it was never over," when we return to them. They don't sit beside our bed all night just to make sure we sleep okay. They don't do that. That's. Not. Real."
Hollywood and the media have done an amazing job of giving us the dream guys we're pining for. Edward Cullen was immortal, but he was willing to die to protect Bella Swan...a senior in high school...because he loved her. And Bella was willing to give up everything about her life because she loved the sparkly vampire right back. Edward was like...two hundred years old and his soul mate was his seventeen year old biology partner that he thought smelled really nice. That's not even romantic- that's really creepy. Hollywood makes guys look perfect, that's their job. And more than Hollywood, social media makes guys look perfect too. My newsfeeds on ALL accounts are covered in shared articles and memes about the characteristics of the perfect guy, how to make a guy fall for you, etc. etc. etc. It's EV.ER.Y.WHERE. and our heads are filled with these unrealistic expectations of guys like William Traynor, Augustus Waters, Patrick Verona, Danny Zuko, Noah, and all the ones in between.
I see articles all the time that talk about the type of guy you should be waiting for. Do you know what the common denominator is in almost all of those points in all of those articles?
They're 'YOU' focused. They're so focused on how this guy is supposed to make YOU feel. This guy that we're supposed to be waiting on, according to this article, is supposed to drop everything he's doing 24/7 to be with you and make you're life living perfection just because he walks into it.
Yeah, psh, ok.
If you're waiting for a guy who will open every door you walk through, who will drop whatever to be wherever you need him, for the guy who always texts back, who is never uncertain of his future or plans, and for a guy you can't live without...you aren't waiting for a guy at all. You're waiting for a fictional man named Clark Kent to walk into the room, rip off his hipster glasses, throw on a cape, and whisk you off to Krypton.
Relationships shouldn't be about what a guy can do for you. Relationships should be about what two people can do for God together.
If you're waiting on a guy to walk in and make everything perfect, then you don't need a boyfriend. You need Jesus. And I know you probably think that that's THE most christian-y cliche thing a person could say, and on some level I suppose it is, but it's so true. Take it from a girl who wishes she had figured it out years ago: if you're longing for perfection He's the only guy that's ever going to fulfill that for you.
Don't waste time in middle school and high school waiting for this perfect guy who's going to get the high school marching band together to serenade you during your soccer scrimmage, or for a quarterback who's going to run away from his team on the last play of the game, run up into the bleachers, and kiss you just as rain begins to fall ending a summer drought. Don't stay single until you meet a guy that makes you feel like he's the only reason you're living and breathing. Don't make an inflexible twenty seven point checklist that your dream guy has to match up on, and refuse to give any guy who doesn't measure up a chance.
The guys described in the articles? The ones who kiss your forehead and say nice things and make you feel good about yourself? The ones you're proud to bring home, and the ones who treat you with respect? Wait for those, but don't hinge your happiness on their personalities. They're human, but they make mistakes just like you do.
Wait for a guy, but wait for a guy that God has for you.
Wait for the guy who's had time to mature in his faith so that he can be a spiritual leader in your household one day.
Wait for a guy who's had opportunities to find strong Christian men in his life to mentor him and help him become a Godly man.
Wait for the guy that is more in love with Jesus than he is with you, and wait until you're more in love with Jesus than you could ever be with a guy.
Wait for the guy that you've spent years praying for. Pray for his heart, pray for his patience, pray for his strength, pray for his protection, and pray that God shapes him into the man that you'll spend the rest of your life with. And then pray that God prepares your heart for his, and be the kind of girl worth waiting for. Guard your heart. Seek wisdom from the Lord. Chase after God's heart and His word faster and harder than anything you've ever chased after in your life...and when it gets hard, frustrating, and seems completely and utterly hopeless- keep seeking and chasing.
On days when you feel like you're the only Christian in your classes, or the only girl not going to the parties, or the only girl who can't tell the 'my first time' stories...keep seeking and keep chasing.
On days when you feel like you'e the only person who's never done drugs or tried alcohol, or a new fad diet...keep seeking and keep chasing.
On days when you feel utterly alone, completely unlovable, and like no one likes you because of the lifestyle that you live...keep seeking and keep chasing.
Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. James 4:8
There is a season for everything, and every activity under the heavens Ecc. 3:1
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar like wings on eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the ones who seek Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:25-26
Unrealistic expectations will ruin your life. Not just in future or current relationships, but in other aspects of your daily routines as well. When your happiness and well being depends on how well other people are living, you will be disappointed time after time. Because, eventually, everyone falls short, messes up, or just downright fails. And that's ok! Because our expectations should be that Christ's mercy and grace cover all of those imperfections. He covers the unrealistic expectations of yourself too! When you don't have a 4.0 GPA, when you let someone you love down, when you feel like you've let God down, when you feel downright icky and imperfect...Christ covers you too! The gospel doesn't exclude you. The gospel applies to everyone, so don't forget to preach it to yourself sometimes.
I wish there were less articles like the one I linked at the top, and more that gave you practical Christ-centered advice like the post that Jessica wrote. I wish websites like Project Inspired were more well-known among young women. I wish there were more christian role models for you to look up to, and I wish someone would just sit down with you and tell you the truth about the lies from the media, the hurt from people that you're going to face in life, and the imperfections and failures that you will inevitably face as you get older. I'm sorry that there's not. :( I'm sorry that we're growing up in a world where Christianity is lame, where dating is a practice that defines social status, and where choosing to make steps toward becoming a Proverbs 31 woman instead of the next reality TV star is practically unheard of. I wish someone was brave enough to rewrite the articles and tell you things that you actually need to hear.
I'll be praying for you my sweet friend. It doesn't matter if you're stepping into the doors of a high school for the first time next week, or getting ready to graduate and take on a new chapter of life tomorrow- it's hard to be a Christian in today's society, and I get it! But it's so worth it. I've tried to find happiness and contentment in about a dozen other things and nothing even BEGINS to compare to the peace and joy I've found in Christ. If you've never experienced that PLEASE talk to me and let me tell you about how much my life has changed because of what a man did on a cross hundreds of years ago. You won't believe it! And as I pray for you, I implore you to pray for God to reveal to you the things that He really desires for you. Because His plan his exceedingly more wonderful and perfect than anything we could ever imagine.
Above all, remember dear girl that you are loved. Remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Remember that the God of the entire universe looked around at all of the things that He made and decided the world needed a you too. ;) Remember that your identity is in Christ and not in the media or what the world says that you need to do or be. And remember that God's mercies are new every morning!
“We pursue God because, and only because, He has first put an urge within us that spurs us to the pursuit." - A.W Tozer
In middle school a friend's older sister would read Seventeen magazine, and let her younger sister have all the celebrity posters that came in the magazine. My friend's room was covered from wall to wall with faces of Dylan and Cole Sprouse, Zac Efron, Nick Jonas, and every other Disney male headliner from 2005-2008. She had an insane crush on Troy Bolton from High School Musical, so Zac Efron was the focal point. She even had a Zac Efron poster on her ceiling so that he would be the last face she saw before she went to sleep every night. She had a crush, and it permeated every. single. aspect of her life. She had Troy Bolton binders, Troy Bolton locker accessories, Troy Bolton T shirts...the list goes on and on. She was obsessed.
When you're crushin' on someone, you become the kind of level three stalker that every FBI agent wishes they could be. You creep on their social media pages, you know where they hang out, you figure out what types of music the person is into, you look for common interests, you try to do everything you can to learn about that person. Then, you do just about anything you can to get that person to notice you. I had a crush on a guy a couple of years ago, and I tried to get him to teach me how to play golf because "I've always wanted to learn how to play." and I started going to basketball games and following basketball on TV because "I've always liked basketball! I just never have time to get into it recently because of school."
Ya'll.
My name is Melissa Jennings, and if you know me at ALL (or even just barely) you know for a big fat fact of life that I do not sport. I do not like sports. I do not play sports. I do not follow sports. I do not athlete. God gave me a lot of different talents, but He forgot to add a pinch of hand-eye coordination.
And I went and told this boy that I loved golf and basketball.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
And he actually took me to the range and taught me how to swing a golf bat (yeah yeah yeah, I know it's a club...golf bat makes way more sense though) and I was so excited. I had on a little visor, my favorite tank top, and my favorite pair of shorts on. Definitely feeling pretty good about myself. And I'm swinging and knocking golf balls into the field when I swing really hard (in an attempt to show off I'm sure), hit myself in the head, and then in a stunned stupor I jerk the club down & stab the guy in the gut before dropping the club on his foot. Guess who didn't get invited back to the golf range ever again?
(me.)
I lied when I said I liked sports, obviously, but it didn't feel like a lie when I told him. I genuinely believed I would learn to love sports if that meant that this guy would like me back. I didn't care what I had to do...I liked him, and I just wanted him to like me back. I don't care if you're a guy or a girl- everyone has a crush story where you did something dumb for someone you liked. Eventually you get so tired of trying that you just give up and move on.
Here's my thought that I've been trying to sort out recently...
I think sometimes Christians crush on Jesus without ever being in a relationship with Him. Or maybe that's just me? Because here's what I've suddenly realized about myself:
I go to church to learn about Jesus. I want to learn as much as I possibly can about Him so that I can do things that He would like for me to do. I was in the church choir. I served on the women's ministry team. I was involved in my college group. I volunteered in youth groups and children's ministry events. I was in the building any time the doors were opened. I wanted to all the good things so Jesus would notice me and like me back. I liked Jesus...I wanted Jesus to like me back. I'd even lie and volunteer for things that I didn't enjoy doing at all, just so I could say "Look Jesus! See me? Notice what I'm doing? Isn't that great?" And I'd say in my head "Now Jesus has to like me even more now..."
But eventually, I just got tired of trying so hard. I got burned out. I got defeated by how discouraged I was in this never-ending cycle of "do more, be more, try more, add more, keep on keeping on..." and I gave up. I lost interest in this idea of a Jesus who would never like me back, and I moved on to other things.
Sound familiar?
Instead of being in a committed relationship with Jesus, I've just been crushing on Him. I've stalked Him, I've admired Him, I've maybe even admitted to liking Him a time or two. I've talked about Him, I've gone and supported lots and lots of His events...but I haven't been in love with Him.
When I realized this, it hit me like a freight train and completely uprooted my life. I started to seek out what it meant for Melissa Jennings to have an authentic relationship with Christ, and I found answers in places I never would have expected.
But can I just tell you what a difference I've seen in my life over the last few months as I've found myself falling in love with Jesus again?
I spend more time in the bible...like...outside of church settings. Not in preparation for a bible study or anything, but because I genuinely want to hear from God. And because I have suddenly realized that God really is capable of doing that through His word.
I worship when I'm driving around in my car. I don't just have KLOVE or Air1 playing in the background, singing with the catchy choruses of certain songs. I have playlists of songs that move me to tears and I am honored and so excited to have the opportunity to sing words of praise to my Savior as I commute from place to place.
I pray. I am honest with God and tell Him exactly how I feel with no reservations. I tell Him everything now, whereas before I just told Him the stuff I assumed He wanted to hear.
I am learning so so much, because I am actively searching for a relationship with God instead of just admiring Him from afar.
And don't you just want to smack me on the head and tell me I should have had a V8 or something? This is the ENTIRE point of Christianity, and I somewhere along the line I just...forgot? How ridiculous is that?!
I heard Matt Chandler say recently in a study on Phillipians that nobody stumbles onto Godliness by accident.
If I'm being honest, I didn't understand what that meant at first.
"Of course you can stumble onto Godliness. People flip through the radio stations all the time and stumble onto K-LOVE or AirOne. They hear "just the right song" at "just the right moment." People interact with christians in grocery stores and are encouraged or blessed through those conversations or meetings all the time."
My thought process was that people don't always intentionally do things that impact their spiritual growth. Sometimes God just uses our circumstances, or where we are in a particular season of life, to bless us or bring Him glory. I don't believe in coincidences; I prefer to call those little moments "God-Things" and since we can't plan for "God-Things" we stumble upon them.
Right?
Well...not exactly.
My definition was way off. I thought Godliness meant moments or aspects of life that made you think of God. Sooooo going to church, spending time with christians, going on church trips, or doing your homework for bible study were all parts of being Godly. Don't get me wrong: those aren't bad things! They are good things that can bring God glory, and draw us closer to Him. But if we do these great 'Godly things' with misplaced intentions, then they aren't worth doing at all. Doing good christian-y things isn't what makes us good christians. Godliness is about how we imitate our Heavenly Father and how we implement a Christ-like attitude into our heart.
And that seems so basic, doesn't it? As christians we go to church,we sing songs about Jesus, we paint Jesus on the walls of our children's church hallways, we put the Jesus fish on the back of our car, we go to every Christian movie that hits a theater, we shop at Lifeway, we have NIV ESV MSG AMP and KJV bibles sitting on bookshelves next to our commentaries on Calvinism or the latest book by Keller or Platt. We make it look like we have Jesus everywhere!
But, like I said, doing christian-stuff isn't the thing that makes you a Christian. It's like the illustration that says standing in a garage doesn't make you a car. Staring at the gym from my seat in Starbucks, sitting in running shoes, drinking from my Camelback, and reading articles about optimal running trails doesn't make me a runner. I'm only a runner when I'm training or running. (And, for those who are wondering...I am not a true runner very often.)
A relationship with God isn't something that happens on accident. I don't accidentally become a woman of valor by going through the motions of the good church girl. I don't accidentally get my sins forgiven somewhere along the line of living a moral life. I don't accidentally fall in love with God by not spending any time with Him. A relationship is formed by pursuing Him. By striving to live a life that looks more like the one that He led. When I choose to wholeheartedly go after Him, He will reveal that He has wholeheartedly been going after me since the day I was born...I've just been too stubborn to notice.
"To count on the fact that we are dead to sin and alive to God is something we must do actively. To do it we must form the habit of continually realizing that we are dead to sin and alive to God." -Jerry Bridges The Pursuit of Holiness
There is so much more to the Christian life than stalking Jesus out on Sundays. We don't have to try to prove ourselves to Him, we don't have to work extra hard to get His attention, we don't have to do extravagant things to hold his affection. He loves us, despite anything we say or do.
May the weight of that truth crush all the other ideas that you've had up to this point in your life and permeate every aspect of the future life that you lead. My dear friend, there is so much more freedom in living a life where you feel unconditionally loved by the loving Father who created you...
