Expectation: I'll start 2018 with a grand resolution of reading more books and blogging more words.
Reality: I read very little, and I wrote even less. I watched a lot of Netflix. I discovered how to make subcategories on my Pinterest boards. I took a few naps.
It’s not that 2018 wasn’t full of things to talk about. I completed student teaching, I graduated college, I spent another summer working for a Christian music camp, I got my first real teaching job, moved, went through some pretty big family changes, and God once again exceeded my expectations in a million ways and taught me something for every step of this journey. You would think with so many things happening and changing I would be full of things to tell my little corner of the internet. You’re right. The subjects were there, but many times as I sat down to write the words failed me completely.
So without further ado here's 2018 in review:
***
2018 started with my final semester of undergrad. God placed the most perfect teacher in my life in 2017 that challenged me professionally and spiritually. She became a mentor, a friend, and an accountability partner through one of the craziest seasons ever. I was placed in a wonderful grade level that confirmed my calling to teach while in an incredible school with amazing colleagues and students. I taught full time for the first time. I eventually passed all of my assignments, evaluations, exams, and walked across the stage with a degree in education, a double minor in English and Child Development, and with honors. Life was great, and my next steps seemed obvious. Apply for teaching jobs, get a job, begin the dream career.
Expectation: I'm going to prepare how to become the best first-year teacher of all time, get a job a week after graduation, spend my summer working and lesson planning in my spare time, and buy a plethora of cardigans and pencil skirts because I'm the real deal now. #GotThis #CrushingIt
Reality: Ha.
While posting all the happy smiles and good vibes on Facebook, and through clenched teeth and fake I'm fines when someone asked me how I was doing I was really struggling towards the end of my college career. Like...truly considering what would actually happen if I changed my major to something different a month away from graduation.
While posting all the happy smiles and good vibes on Facebook, and through clenched teeth and fake I'm fines when someone asked me how I was doing I was really struggling towards the end of my college career. Like...truly considering what would actually happen if I changed my major to something different a month away from graduation.
The long story in the fewest words possible: I failed a huge graduation requirement the first time I submitted it. (The state of Tennessee requires you to make a 42 as a passing score. I made a 43. But my particular University required a 45 to graduate. Out of a class of 9, I think 1 or 2 passed the first time and everyone else essentially had two weeks to redo and resubmit months worth of work.) It broke me. I didn’t view it as an opportunity for improvement. All I saw was the failure. God couldn’t possibly want me to teach full time. I can’t be responsible for other people’s children. I can’t even pass a state requirement! If I’m really supposed to be doing this, why is the road to get there so complicated?
Goodbye confidence. Hello fear.
What’s going to happen if I don’t pass it a second time? Will I get to walk across the stage in May? What if I don’t graduate at all? What if this one test stands between me and my diploma? How am I going to get all the requirements for this done in this amount of time? Could I still get another degree and choose not to get a license to teach at all? Do I WANT to teach still? There's an entire world of possibilities out there...what if I'm not cut out to do this?
Doubts ran rampant through my mind. I passed the requirements the second time, and all worked out fine in the end. But even weeks after graduation I continued to question what God wanted me to do.
Before I left Memphis for Nashville to spend a few weeks working at the camp office in Nashville I had applied for four school districts, several teaching positions, and had exactly one interview. (Cue the confidence shattering even further. I wasn't even good enough to get an interview with someone!) I started applying for several fall internships with churches and children's ministries all over the United States. I took a crazy chance on a church in northern California and I was actually accepted. I'd leave in August and most likely wouldn't return until Christmas.
Expectation: Teaching is suddenly the most terrifying thing God could possibly call me to do, so I'm going to pull a Jonah and run away and try to do something different that I know isn't in His will right now. But it's going to work out GREAT for me!
Reality: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. God said "ummmm nope. Good try though." (Thank goodness He did.)
Despite the lightbulb moment time after time where I've realized that I don't need to do anything to make God like me I still find myself in this trap of try more, do more, be more, strive for perfection, failure isn't an option, disappointment is unacceptable. I was no longer confident in my ability as a teacher. So let me just reach for the next good thing that God couldn't possibly be against...I don't remember the exact details, but I backed out of the internship before camp even started. The door closed as finances proved to be more difficult to manage than expected, travel became an issue, people began praying for me and told me they felt uneasy, close friends and relatives told me that it didn't seem like I had thought this out, and a dear friend told me it sounded like I was running away from God and choosing to simply run towards the church where I felt like it might be safer. She wasn't wrong. And that reality check was the kick in the butt that I needed to refocus on what God really wanted me doing.
So camp approached and I went into Nashville* worried about exactly how I was going to start teaching. It's the last week of June. School starts in 36 days. What do I do to get a job when I've applied to several places and haven't heard back from any? What would I do at the end of camp? I don't have a single interview. I won't have a job. Should I look at grad school? I can just get another degree while I figure this out.
Goodbye confidence. Hello fear.
Doubts ran rampant through my mind. I passed the requirements the second time, and all worked out fine in the end. But even weeks after graduation I continued to question what God wanted me to do.
Before I left Memphis for Nashville to spend a few weeks working at the camp office in Nashville I had applied for four school districts, several teaching positions, and had exactly one interview. (Cue the confidence shattering even further. I wasn't even good enough to get an interview with someone!) I started applying for several fall internships with churches and children's ministries all over the United States. I took a crazy chance on a church in northern California and I was actually accepted. I'd leave in August and most likely wouldn't return until Christmas.
Expectation: Teaching is suddenly the most terrifying thing God could possibly call me to do, so I'm going to pull a Jonah and run away and try to do something different that I know isn't in His will right now. But it's going to work out GREAT for me!
Reality: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. God said "ummmm nope. Good try though." (Thank goodness He did.)
Despite the lightbulb moment time after time where I've realized that I don't need to do anything to make God like me I still find myself in this trap of try more, do more, be more, strive for perfection, failure isn't an option, disappointment is unacceptable. I was no longer confident in my ability as a teacher. So let me just reach for the next good thing that God couldn't possibly be against...I don't remember the exact details, but I backed out of the internship before camp even started. The door closed as finances proved to be more difficult to manage than expected, travel became an issue, people began praying for me and told me they felt uneasy, close friends and relatives told me that it didn't seem like I had thought this out, and a dear friend told me it sounded like I was running away from God and choosing to simply run towards the church where I felt like it might be safer. She wasn't wrong. And that reality check was the kick in the butt that I needed to refocus on what God really wanted me doing.
So camp approached and I went into Nashville* worried about exactly how I was going to start teaching. It's the last week of June. School starts in 36 days. What do I do to get a job when I've applied to several places and haven't heard back from any? What would I do at the end of camp? I don't have a single interview. I won't have a job. Should I look at grad school? I can just get another degree while I figure this out.
Expectation: I will get to Nashville and be totally calm, cool, and collected.
Reality: Classic Melissa Meltdown. **
I was stressed and aloof. This may come as a shock to you but I am a planner. I have a Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C in my mind for just about everything. And I've said this before but usually I have plans D-Z stored away somewhere, and a few extras hidden around too. I used to define myself as Type-A. I don't think that as much now. I'm not organized. I just like to be in control. I'm like the most Type-B Type-A person of all time.
Anyway, at some point before the first week of camp kicked off I prayed one of the scariest prayers I've ever said. Something along the lines of
Reality: Classic Melissa Meltdown. **
I was stressed and aloof. This may come as a shock to you but I am a planner. I have a Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C in my mind for just about everything. And I've said this before but usually I have plans D-Z stored away somewhere, and a few extras hidden around too. I used to define myself as Type-A. I don't think that as much now. I'm not organized. I just like to be in control. I'm like the most Type-B Type-A person of all time.
Anyway, at some point before the first week of camp kicked off I prayed one of the scariest prayers I've ever said. Something along the lines of
"God. I don't know. I don't know what you want me to do tomorrow. I don't know with much confidence what you need me to do today. But I'm here. And I just want to try something different today and let you lead the way. I'm going to have a positive attitude, I will walk around confident because I know I'm yours. Unless someone's arm falls off or something crazy happens there isn't anything to panic about...and even then you'd be there through that, wouldn't you? It's not an accident that I'm here and it's not an accident that anyone else is here either. There's a purpose for each of us that you've already got figured out. So help me to simply be and glorify you with my words and my actions. I don't know what that looks like yet. But I'll worry about my next step later. For now, I know you have me where you need me and I'm choosing to be okay with that."
Day one of camp started and we were all busy with registration, drop-offs, airport transfers, answering phone calls, emails, etc. There wasn't time to focus on anything other than what tasks were directly in front of me. After a few days I checked my personal email, and would you believe it?! I had an email from a principal asking me to come in for an interview at some point during the week!
We agreed to a phone interview, and at the end of the conversation, he offered me a position teaching at a school about two hours away from my home. I declined deciding that it was further than I wanted to go. A few hours later on the same day, I received another email asking to arrange an interview with a school in a district I hadn't even applied for! The interview went really well, I was offered another position, but it was even further away from where I was living. So I declined again.
Hi. Remember me? My name is Melissa. A few paragraphs ago I was worried about not having a job at all. Now I'm declining jobs?!? Talk about feeling uneasy!
A day or two later a notification went off saying I had an email. And it was from...yup...another principal. The interview happened by phone a few days later, went extremely well, and I was told to expect a phone call back with an official job offer within a few days. Well, a few days turned into a few weeks with no news. Meanwhile, I had received two additional emails asking to set up interviews when I returned to Memphis.
We agreed to a phone interview, and at the end of the conversation, he offered me a position teaching at a school about two hours away from my home. I declined deciding that it was further than I wanted to go. A few hours later on the same day, I received another email asking to arrange an interview with a school in a district I hadn't even applied for! The interview went really well, I was offered another position, but it was even further away from where I was living. So I declined again.
Hi. Remember me? My name is Melissa. A few paragraphs ago I was worried about not having a job at all. Now I'm declining jobs?!? Talk about feeling uneasy!
A day or two later a notification went off saying I had an email. And it was from...yup...another principal. The interview happened by phone a few days later, went extremely well, and I was told to expect a phone call back with an official job offer within a few days. Well, a few days turned into a few weeks with no news. Meanwhile, I had received two additional emails asking to set up interviews when I returned to Memphis.
I think my poor camp coworkers witnessed every level of my crazy any second we weren't working. One minute I was practically doing cartwheels down the hallway over how excited I was about an interview or a potential job offer. The next minute I was sulking and googling "How to know if you for sure completely bombed an interview..." or "What can I do with an education degree beyond teaching?" or "Help. I might be jobless and I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing with my life anymore." Just kidding about that last part...kind of.
But I came back home, attended a face to face interview for the school I'm teaching at now and was hired the same afternoon. My principal called and said something along the lines of "Hi I'd like to offer you this position..." and in my excitement, I either completely missed what position she said I was taking or I completely forgot to ask. So I actually called her back a few minutes later and said: "This might be the most unprofessional question to ask less than five minutes after you hired me, but what grade did you say I will be teaching?" And ya'll...she said first grade. The same grade I had done my student teaching in. I thought my heart would actually explode from excitement.
Here's the thing: in first grade, kids learn how to read. Like really really read. I think it's one of the most important grades in an elementary student's life, and I'm not just saying that because I'm biased. I can not talk to kids about my faith or tell them directly about God in a public school, but I can teach and teach until a lightbulb goes off and they can read independently. If they can leave my classroom doing that then I have a feeling of great peace in knowing that one day they might come across a Bible that they can read on their own. They can use comprehension skills to figure out what the Bible is saying. They don't have to look at the Bible and say the words "I can't read this. Look how many words there are on each page. It's too hard." I may not be able to teach them about Jesus on my own, but I sure can equip them with as much knowledge as possible to take their questions and beliefs into their own hands. Truly taking ownership of their own faith someday in their future. I get goosebumps every time I think about it. First grade is my passion and I absolutely love every second of it.
Obviously, if you're still reading this, you can see that all of my expectations panned out exactly the way they were supposed to up to this point in 2018. Right? Well, not quite. But now it's August and things have to be slowing down!
Expectation: I will have a sweet calm ending to my summer, focus on getting my classroom ready, and everything will finally be perfect.
Reality: My family ran into a few unexpected turns in the road. Family members dealing with illnesses and cancer diagnoses, the death of my great aunt, and moving into a new house among other major life changes just to name a few.
In retrospect, it's hard to explain how the days between August and December dragged on while simultaneously happening way too quickly. I felt overwhelmed, discouraged, and defeated more times than I could count. My anxiety was through the roof. I was trying to figure out how to balance a new job, getting to know 15 tiny humans, moving, and new family dynamics all at once.
I'm a pretty external processer. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I normally write to work through things going on in my life. Occasionally I share them with you on Facebook or through links, but most of the time I keep them to myself.
Expectation: Wow. Lots of emotions and changes = lots of writing.
Reality: Nope. In fact, the opposite was true. I barely wrote at all.
I didn't know what to say. "Hello, corner of the internet! Life is hard right now, I don't know what else to say. I don't feel close to God. I don't feel close to anyone. So...what do YOU want to talk about? I got nothing." That might sell to some kind of Christian soap opera, but it didn't sound enticing as something to read or write.
Sometimes it's perfectly okay to be still, and I feel like 2018 taught me that more so than ever before. I don't have to have a plan, a backup plan, and seven other plans on standby just in case. I don't have to have every moment of life all figured out. Reality: life isn't going to work out the way I plan it to anyway.
2017 was the year that taught me about faith. You can read about that here.
2018 was the year that taught me that it's okay not to be okay. Being a Christian doesn't mean that life is easier. Being a Christian means that I can be full of hope and joy, despite unhappy circumstances, because my joy comes from the Lord and is present in all circumstances.
Looking back I think my one word for 2018 would be contentment.
I learned how to be content in waiting on God's timing, content in plans not going the way I thought they would, and learned how to be content when sitting outside of situations I can not control.
My hope is that 2019 is a little less hectic than 2018 was, but there's no real way to know that is there? All I can do is embrace each day and embrace the challenges that come with it. God's mercies are new every morning. There are 360 days left in the year to make an impact for His kingdom and I plan to do whatever I can to glorify God's name. Maybe that means blogging my journey more often and sharing what God is doing in my life. Maybe that means asking more people out for coffee and asking them how they're really doing in life. Maybe it means taking more social media breaks, sitting down more often with my bible, and simply choosing to be still.
If you're still reading, thank you for trudging through my rambling thoughts and glimpses of a crazy year. If you need some encouragement then I pray you have been reminded of God's timing and how you can remain content in His will while going through even the most unpleasant or craziest of circumstances. I don't know what 2019 will bring for me or for you, but I know God is going to move in big ways and carry you through whatever it is that you will be facing.
Obviously, if you're still reading this, you can see that all of my expectations panned out exactly the way they were supposed to up to this point in 2018. Right? Well, not quite. But now it's August and things have to be slowing down!
Expectation: I will have a sweet calm ending to my summer, focus on getting my classroom ready, and everything will finally be perfect.
Reality: My family ran into a few unexpected turns in the road. Family members dealing with illnesses and cancer diagnoses, the death of my great aunt, and moving into a new house among other major life changes just to name a few.
In retrospect, it's hard to explain how the days between August and December dragged on while simultaneously happening way too quickly. I felt overwhelmed, discouraged, and defeated more times than I could count. My anxiety was through the roof. I was trying to figure out how to balance a new job, getting to know 15 tiny humans, moving, and new family dynamics all at once.
I'm a pretty external processer. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I normally write to work through things going on in my life. Occasionally I share them with you on Facebook or through links, but most of the time I keep them to myself.
Expectation: Wow. Lots of emotions and changes = lots of writing.
Reality: Nope. In fact, the opposite was true. I barely wrote at all.
I didn't know what to say. "Hello, corner of the internet! Life is hard right now, I don't know what else to say. I don't feel close to God. I don't feel close to anyone. So...what do YOU want to talk about? I got nothing." That might sell to some kind of Christian soap opera, but it didn't sound enticing as something to read or write.
Sometimes it's perfectly okay to be still, and I feel like 2018 taught me that more so than ever before. I don't have to have a plan, a backup plan, and seven other plans on standby just in case. I don't have to have every moment of life all figured out. Reality: life isn't going to work out the way I plan it to anyway.
2017 was the year that taught me about faith. You can read about that here.
2018 was the year that taught me that it's okay not to be okay. Being a Christian doesn't mean that life is easier. Being a Christian means that I can be full of hope and joy, despite unhappy circumstances, because my joy comes from the Lord and is present in all circumstances.
Looking back I think my one word for 2018 would be contentment.
I learned how to be content in waiting on God's timing, content in plans not going the way I thought they would, and learned how to be content when sitting outside of situations I can not control.
My hope is that 2019 is a little less hectic than 2018 was, but there's no real way to know that is there? All I can do is embrace each day and embrace the challenges that come with it. God's mercies are new every morning. There are 360 days left in the year to make an impact for His kingdom and I plan to do whatever I can to glorify God's name. Maybe that means blogging my journey more often and sharing what God is doing in my life. Maybe that means asking more people out for coffee and asking them how they're really doing in life. Maybe it means taking more social media breaks, sitting down more often with my bible, and simply choosing to be still.
If you're still reading, thank you for trudging through my rambling thoughts and glimpses of a crazy year. If you need some encouragement then I pray you have been reminded of God's timing and how you can remain content in His will while going through even the most unpleasant or craziest of circumstances. I don't know what 2019 will bring for me or for you, but I know God is going to move in big ways and carry you through whatever it is that you will be facing.
