In years past I've noticed people choosing "a word" to define an overall goal for the year that usually related to their spiritual lives, and I've admired that from afar but have never had one. For example, I know someone who said her word for the year was Trust, because she wanted her focus for the year to be on learning to embrace and trust God more in her daily life. I've heard of women who said that their word for the year was Yes, because they needed to focus on saying yes to the things in life that they felt like God was leading them to do instead of shying away from things that made them uncomfortable. In the same way other people have chosen to whisper the words No, or Not Yet, or perhaps urgently reminded themselves of the phrase Not So Fast! Because in their lives they were the overcommitted, the overspent, the over involved who needed to practice focusing all of their time and efforts on what God was calling them to do instead of trying to force tiny pieces of themselves away in a hundred different directions to things that made themselves look or feel good.
Surrender. Peace. Focus. Change. Confidence. Grace. All words I've heard people claim as their own for a specific year.
I didn't start off 2017 claiming a word for myself, but when I look back I feel like one was claimed for me.
Faith. The simple five letter word that means believing in something that you cannot see. Placing total trust in a person or thing.
Looking back over the entirety that was 2017 I feel like faith was the theme that popped up over and over again.
I learned a lot about my own faith. I learned that despite giving my heart to God several years ago I still had reservations and things in my life that I didn't think God was big enough to handle...
If I had to pick a word to summarize 2016 it would have been something like discontent. I was restless. I looked and searched frantically for peace and fulfillment in people around me, and because people are just people they inevitably let me down every time. I would become upset and depressed no matter how genuine the excuse, or how honest the mistake. My insecurity was so terrible that it didn't matter if someone did something as simple as rescheduling a lunch meeting, or something bigger like telling a lie; I would always find a way to twist it and convince myself that something happened because of me. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't liked enough. I wasn't worth someone's time.
New Years Eve last year (2016 going into 2017) was particularly difficult. I don't remember why. I don't remember who. I don't have an inkling of an idea of what happened, but I know I faced an all too familiar situation where someone had let me down. I was so angry and bitter towards myself, and I was very frustrated with God. I cried. I had a pity party. I "oh woe is me"'d for a little while before building a bridge and getting over whatever it was that bothered me so much.
I sat on the couch with my mom watching the ball drop in New York City, and took a moment to ask God a very small and simple question.
"What would it look like if I approached 2017 differently? Because this is exhausting. I'm supposed to love you with every bit of my heart, and sometimes I don't even like you! I'm angry. I'm frustrated. And I don't know what else to do..."
So 2017 began with a very guilty heart and conscience. I had basically just told God that I didn't want to be his friend anymore, and that's pretty terrible.
I didn't sleep well that night, and when I woke up on January 1st, 2017 wouldn't you know it...it was a Sunday. I woke up, got ready for church like I would on any other Sunday, got in the car, and then I just kept driving. I drove to a church nearly an hour away from where I lived, and I prayed and prayed the whole way there. I walked into a church I had never been to before, surrounded by people I had never met before, and expected a normal worship service with some kind of feel-good message about what Christians could do with a new year. Instead, I got a very reverent prayer service. So I was given even more opportunities to pray.
Several songs, boxes of tissues, and prayer prompts later I told God I would do more to figure out what it meant to find my identity in Him instead of hinging my happiness on other people.
My name is Melissa Jennings, and if there was a support group called People Pleaser Anonymous I would not only be the founder and leader, but also the mascot, director, and coordinator. But then I'd be really concerned over whether or not people thought I was doing a good job or not, so I'd volunteer to make cookies or buffalo chicken dip for the meetings. But then I'd worry that people would think I'm trying too hard, so I'd start just volunteering to bring drinks or napkins to the meetings and asking if anyone else wants to volunteer to bring refreshments, and I'd worry that people thought I was lazy. Then a week would come where three people were out because they said they were sick, and I'd somehow manage to think that it was because the meeting room's decorations were outdated. So the week before Christmas when everyone goes out of town to be with their families I would decide to redecorate the entire building and ask for volunteers to help me. Out of one hundred and eighty-seven people, three people sign up to help, and I would probably cry and tell myself it was because no one liked the cookies that I made three months ago, or because I sneezed before answering someone's question last week.
Phew.
So what did it look like for me to find my identity in Christ?
First of all, I had to figure out what my identity in Christ even was. For me that meant visiting other churches, backing off of responsibilities, and not signing up to do seven thousand things in my free time. Which was hard because I thought I was letting people down. And the fear of failure and disappointing others is by far my absolute deepest fear. If you don't believe me please refer back to my hypothetical mental breakdown in the paragraph above...
I had to figure out how to have a quiet time every day of the week, and not just in quiet moments in random churches on Sunday mornings. *Spoiler Alert* Every other time when you talk to your pastor, spiritual mentor, or close Christian friend and you complain about life's newest drama and how unhappy you are, and they ask you how your quiet time is...it's because if you're having productive quiet times it actually makes a difference. Seriously. I know, I was surprised too. Getting alone with God to read the Bible and pray actually makes a difference in your spiritual life. Who would have thought?
I had to figure out what it meant to have a relationship where I liked spending time with God, and that meant that I had to learn the idea that God WANTS to spend time with me. He wants to pursue a relationship with me, which means I have to pursue a relationship with Him.
I had to figure out where God wanted me to be. After a whole lot of prayer, and buckets and buckets of tears, I realized that God wanted me to serve at a different church. There was absolutely nothing wrong with my church home where I was, and if you've read my blog for an extensive amount of time then you would know how often I talked about how much I loved my church family. But I think that was part of the problem. I think I had been finding my identity in my church. I found my identity in how people at my church made me feel. I found my identity in how many activities I could volunteer for, how much time I could spend in a building when the doors were open, and how many people I could make like me. Some people could have taken these realizations and just changed things about themselves to alter their perspectives and interactions. I tried, and I consistently struggled. So I feel like God told me to go. (Side Note: That's part of my story. If you're struggling with similar feelings of a Christian Identity crisis, this particular decision may not be a part of your story. God may be prompting you to stay where you are. Don't base a decision like leaving your church, or anything of real importance, based on the experiences of someone else. I'm where God needs me to be right now. At the end of the day, that's all that matters. Where do you feel like God is leading you to be?)
I kept visiting churches, and started going to one that I ended up becoming a member early on in the summer of this year. I have learned more about my relationship with God from my time here than I would ever be able to put into words, and I wish I could just meet every single person I meet out to coffee and really explain what God did in my life this year.
I took a leap of faith and decided to really let God take control of every aspect of my life. This has been extremely difficult at times. On numerous occasions, I've felt like I didn't belong in a certain place, or felt like I didn't have a single clue as to what on earth I was doing. On top of all of this going on, I was going to school full time. In the spring semester that meant working part-time, taking classes full time, and completing over fifty hours of field experience. During the fall it meant tackling Residency I, student teaching, edTPA, full-time classes, lesson plans, and navigating the professional world. I have doubted what I'm supposed to be doing with my life more times than I can count, and that's not a particularly new feeling for this anxiety-filled lady. However, the difference this year has been in knowing and truly believing that God is big enough to bring me through whatever I'm facing.
I had faith that God was going to put me exactly where I needed to be, and I've had faith that allowed me to serve in really awesome and unique ways that I normally wouldn't have been brave enough to try or do. I've met amazing people. I've strengthened friendships, and let go of some ones that weren't so healthy. I'm still an awkward, anxious mess most of the time, but going into 2018 I can say that I'm an awkward anxious mess that loves the Lord more than ever before & I have a far more genuine love for people than I've ever had before.
Faith wasn't my word for 2017, but it's the perfect one to describe a lot of what God taught me. I thought about picking a word for 2018 or even re-claiming the word Faith for the next 365 days. But I decided not to. I want to continue to seek Christ, and just allow Him to teach me whatever He feels like He wants me to know. On New Year's Eve next year I'll tell you what my word ends up being. :0)
2018 is going to be a big year! I'll be in two of my best friend's weddings, I'll graduate in May, and (hopefully!) I'll have a full-time teaching job with my own class in August.
So here's to the adventures that await, all the surprises along the way, and to a God that is gracious enough to show me His glory and share His wisdom along the way.
***
Faith. The simple five letter word that means believing in something that you cannot see. Placing total trust in a person or thing.
Looking back over the entirety that was 2017 I feel like faith was the theme that popped up over and over again.
I learned a lot about my own faith. I learned that despite giving my heart to God several years ago I still had reservations and things in my life that I didn't think God was big enough to handle...
If I had to pick a word to summarize 2016 it would have been something like discontent. I was restless. I looked and searched frantically for peace and fulfillment in people around me, and because people are just people they inevitably let me down every time. I would become upset and depressed no matter how genuine the excuse, or how honest the mistake. My insecurity was so terrible that it didn't matter if someone did something as simple as rescheduling a lunch meeting, or something bigger like telling a lie; I would always find a way to twist it and convince myself that something happened because of me. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't liked enough. I wasn't worth someone's time.
New Years Eve last year (2016 going into 2017) was particularly difficult. I don't remember why. I don't remember who. I don't have an inkling of an idea of what happened, but I know I faced an all too familiar situation where someone had let me down. I was so angry and bitter towards myself, and I was very frustrated with God. I cried. I had a pity party. I "oh woe is me"'d for a little while before building a bridge and getting over whatever it was that bothered me so much.
I sat on the couch with my mom watching the ball drop in New York City, and took a moment to ask God a very small and simple question.
"What would it look like if I approached 2017 differently? Because this is exhausting. I'm supposed to love you with every bit of my heart, and sometimes I don't even like you! I'm angry. I'm frustrated. And I don't know what else to do..."
So 2017 began with a very guilty heart and conscience. I had basically just told God that I didn't want to be his friend anymore, and that's pretty terrible.
I didn't sleep well that night, and when I woke up on January 1st, 2017 wouldn't you know it...it was a Sunday. I woke up, got ready for church like I would on any other Sunday, got in the car, and then I just kept driving. I drove to a church nearly an hour away from where I lived, and I prayed and prayed the whole way there. I walked into a church I had never been to before, surrounded by people I had never met before, and expected a normal worship service with some kind of feel-good message about what Christians could do with a new year. Instead, I got a very reverent prayer service. So I was given even more opportunities to pray.
Several songs, boxes of tissues, and prayer prompts later I told God I would do more to figure out what it meant to find my identity in Him instead of hinging my happiness on other people.
My name is Melissa Jennings, and if there was a support group called People Pleaser Anonymous I would not only be the founder and leader, but also the mascot, director, and coordinator. But then I'd be really concerned over whether or not people thought I was doing a good job or not, so I'd volunteer to make cookies or buffalo chicken dip for the meetings. But then I'd worry that people would think I'm trying too hard, so I'd start just volunteering to bring drinks or napkins to the meetings and asking if anyone else wants to volunteer to bring refreshments, and I'd worry that people thought I was lazy. Then a week would come where three people were out because they said they were sick, and I'd somehow manage to think that it was because the meeting room's decorations were outdated. So the week before Christmas when everyone goes out of town to be with their families I would decide to redecorate the entire building and ask for volunteers to help me. Out of one hundred and eighty-seven people, three people sign up to help, and I would probably cry and tell myself it was because no one liked the cookies that I made three months ago, or because I sneezed before answering someone's question last week.
Phew.
So what did it look like for me to find my identity in Christ?
First of all, I had to figure out what my identity in Christ even was. For me that meant visiting other churches, backing off of responsibilities, and not signing up to do seven thousand things in my free time. Which was hard because I thought I was letting people down. And the fear of failure and disappointing others is by far my absolute deepest fear. If you don't believe me please refer back to my hypothetical mental breakdown in the paragraph above...
I had to figure out how to have a quiet time every day of the week, and not just in quiet moments in random churches on Sunday mornings. *Spoiler Alert* Every other time when you talk to your pastor, spiritual mentor, or close Christian friend and you complain about life's newest drama and how unhappy you are, and they ask you how your quiet time is...it's because if you're having productive quiet times it actually makes a difference. Seriously. I know, I was surprised too. Getting alone with God to read the Bible and pray actually makes a difference in your spiritual life. Who would have thought?
I had to figure out what it meant to have a relationship where I liked spending time with God, and that meant that I had to learn the idea that God WANTS to spend time with me. He wants to pursue a relationship with me, which means I have to pursue a relationship with Him.
I had to figure out where God wanted me to be. After a whole lot of prayer, and buckets and buckets of tears, I realized that God wanted me to serve at a different church. There was absolutely nothing wrong with my church home where I was, and if you've read my blog for an extensive amount of time then you would know how often I talked about how much I loved my church family. But I think that was part of the problem. I think I had been finding my identity in my church. I found my identity in how people at my church made me feel. I found my identity in how many activities I could volunteer for, how much time I could spend in a building when the doors were open, and how many people I could make like me. Some people could have taken these realizations and just changed things about themselves to alter their perspectives and interactions. I tried, and I consistently struggled. So I feel like God told me to go. (Side Note: That's part of my story. If you're struggling with similar feelings of a Christian Identity crisis, this particular decision may not be a part of your story. God may be prompting you to stay where you are. Don't base a decision like leaving your church, or anything of real importance, based on the experiences of someone else. I'm where God needs me to be right now. At the end of the day, that's all that matters. Where do you feel like God is leading you to be?)
I kept visiting churches, and started going to one that I ended up becoming a member early on in the summer of this year. I have learned more about my relationship with God from my time here than I would ever be able to put into words, and I wish I could just meet every single person I meet out to coffee and really explain what God did in my life this year.
***
I took a leap of faith and decided to really let God take control of every aspect of my life. This has been extremely difficult at times. On numerous occasions, I've felt like I didn't belong in a certain place, or felt like I didn't have a single clue as to what on earth I was doing. On top of all of this going on, I was going to school full time. In the spring semester that meant working part-time, taking classes full time, and completing over fifty hours of field experience. During the fall it meant tackling Residency I, student teaching, edTPA, full-time classes, lesson plans, and navigating the professional world. I have doubted what I'm supposed to be doing with my life more times than I can count, and that's not a particularly new feeling for this anxiety-filled lady. However, the difference this year has been in knowing and truly believing that God is big enough to bring me through whatever I'm facing.
I had faith that God was going to put me exactly where I needed to be, and I've had faith that allowed me to serve in really awesome and unique ways that I normally wouldn't have been brave enough to try or do. I've met amazing people. I've strengthened friendships, and let go of some ones that weren't so healthy. I'm still an awkward, anxious mess most of the time, but going into 2018 I can say that I'm an awkward anxious mess that loves the Lord more than ever before & I have a far more genuine love for people than I've ever had before.
***
Faith wasn't my word for 2017, but it's the perfect one to describe a lot of what God taught me. I thought about picking a word for 2018 or even re-claiming the word Faith for the next 365 days. But I decided not to. I want to continue to seek Christ, and just allow Him to teach me whatever He feels like He wants me to know. On New Year's Eve next year I'll tell you what my word ends up being. :0)
2018 is going to be a big year! I'll be in two of my best friend's weddings, I'll graduate in May, and (hopefully!) I'll have a full-time teaching job with my own class in August.
So here's to the adventures that await, all the surprises along the way, and to a God that is gracious enough to show me His glory and share His wisdom along the way.
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