Nothing I Hold On To

• Even in moments of peace and assurance where we feel our closest to God, we can still be facing a mountain in our life. 

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• That adversity or trial seems to stretch on before us for miles and miles with no end in sight, and it just gets harder and harder. Our muscles quake from the climb, our feet might have blisters from walking, our arms and legs are covered with blood that has oozed out as we have scraped our hands and knees along the way. The terrain has been tough, and you've considered turning around several times. You started off on this noble quest towards a greatness you thought you were being called to, but now you're so tired that you can barely remember where you're going or why you began this journey to begin with. You hurt. You feel alone. You don't understand. 

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• And yet, our God is still there. He is giving us an unprecedented strength that comes from the Holy Spirit within us that provides a peace with which nothing else can compare. In our weakness we are made stronger. So while it hurts, while it requires sacrifice, while it requires pushing ourselves and challenging ourselves in ways that we never thought possible... we climb these mountains in life with arms outstretched towards the heavens praising God for who He is. We reach out to God so that He can draw nearer to us as we draw closer to Him. Our hands are outstretched because we know without a doubt that He will meet us where we are and help us make it the rest of the way. He will wrap his hand protectively around our own fingers that are dwarfed by His vast presence and He will lead the way. Together we will climb higher and higher until we have reached the top of the mountain.

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• "I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven. I give it all to you God, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me. I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open. There's nothing I hold onto."

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Lopsided Lemons and Lots of Grace

One of the great benefits of a tech-savvy generation is the abundant access that we have to other people's embarrassing stories. Pinterest fails are one of my particular favorites...

I've had my own fair shares of Pinterest fails over the years. I remember once in high school a friend came over and we found a pizza casserole recipe that called for egg noodles and a few other kind of strange ingredients that formed a big, burned, pile of pepperoni mush. Banana facial masks, & egg and avocado hair masks that made my skin and hair greasier than a cookie sheet covered in PAM. I've done paper mache' creatures that look like the extras on The Walking Dead. Out of the dozens upon dozens of Pinterest-inspired things that I've tried I would say that maybe three of them have worked out well.

A few years ago I made Teddy Grahams in a Brownie Bubble Bath...identical, right?

RIP teddys...

This semester I'm taking a class called Planning and Facilitating Infant and Toddler Development and our first project was to create a developmentally appropriate toy that we could incorporate into a lesson plan for infants or toddlers. I've had such a GREAT track record with Pinterest before, so guess where I started looking for ideas first?

Not. My brightest moment.

I found this precious little DIY vegetable garden that I immediately knew I wanted to tackle. "How hard can sewing be???" 

Mind you, I've sewn ONE thing in my entire life. I took a Family and Consumer Science course in 10th grade and we had to make a pair of pajama pants. I spent WEEKS in class on that stupid pair of pants, and I'm pretty sure I made a C- or a D. Below an 75 on a Home Economics project ya'll. Sewing is not my thing at all. 

But, I just knew that I would create these perfect little vegetables and I went around for about a week and told everyone how excited I was to tackle my next project. I wanted to make a good impression on my professor. I wanted to present something that I worked hard on, I wanted to learn a new skill, I wanted to make the best stinking vegetable garden the world has ever seen! Doug and Melissa would be calling me in a few weeks asking if the company could patent my product! (Ok, I didn't think that last part, but I was feeling pretty good about myself before I actually started this thing...)

Expectation: 2-2 1/2 hours of work and my finished product will look like this...

Reality: 6 hours total, seams on the outside, stuffing busting at the edges, a lopsided lemon, potatoes that look like human feces, and some pretty stinking cute little strawberries. I didn't make those though, my mother took pity on my soul and decided to stitch a couple of things together while we watched HGTV. (At least I looked the part...)

Expectations versus Reality.

I'll tell you something that God has been beating into my brain lately is that our expectations of how things are supposed to go but how they actually unfold are two COMPLETELY different things.

Sometimes we expect a certain outcome. When I was a little girl I said I would have a mansion, a husband, a limousine, a chocolate fountain, and a pony named Patricia by the time I was twenty. Sorry to break it to you six year old Melissa but that did not happen and it will most certainly not be happening any time soon. When I started college in 2013 I expected to be teaching in a classroom on my own the summer after my 22nd birthday, but I can tell you now that I've still got an entire year left of school in addition to this semester. I expect my commute to take about 25 minutes and to be full of sunshine and rainbows, but the reality is that I live in Memphis where people drive with their toes or with their heads on backwards. I haven't quite figured out the issue in regards to that epidemic yet...

Oftentimes what we paint as an ideal picture in our head is just a scribble that's a part of the perfect canvas that God has already painted. We expect that our little scribble will be hung proudly in the middle of a French art gallery, but the reality is that our artwork is being hung up by clothespins on a strong in the kiddie section of McDonalds. 

Our inaccurate expectations don't only apply to tangible outcomes, but they apply to our spiritual walks with God as well:

If you can think back to the moment where you accepted Christ as the lord and Savior of your life can you remember how excited you were? Do you remember telling your friends and your family about this amazing decision you just made? Do you remember being on absolute fire for the Lord? I know I can. And I remember talking with older Christians who seemed to have it all together and I remember thinking "Wow. I can't wait until I have a quiet time every day." or "I can't wait until I can pray like he can one day" or "She's so mature/wise...I can't wait to be just like her one day." and I've always been a little jealous on some level of the christians who just have it. And so I think I had these expectations that one day spiritual maturity and wisdom would just fall down from the sky and I would magically be this super christian who never had any problems and just pranced around being able to serve everyone in the world with no reservations because my life would be perfect like the other christians in my life.

Expectation: Perfection! Prosperity! Happiness! Ultra Peace!

Reality: Failures. Anxiety. Depression.  Loneliness. Bitterness. Frustration. Sin nature...Qualities of a normal, healthy, imperfect human being in need of God's Grace. And I need that grace just as much today and tomorrow as I did on that day in 2009 when I asked Christ into my heart. 

It's a lot like the world of Pinterest. We build our expectations around these ideal images, we put all of our expectations of our own product based on the outcome of someone else's, but we lack the basic skills that we need to make our projects successful. (Exhibit A: See lopsided lemon or one of my poo-poo potatoes) And then we get mad when our expectations don't match the reality of what we got ourselves into. 

Also, as christians, I think we expect that God is going to allow us to be comfortable. We think that life is hard enough as it is, so surely He won't do much to challenge us and force us to grow. He won't make us change up our routines. He won't make us do anything that makes us mad so long as we're good. NOPE. Take it from the girl going through boocoodles of changes and discomfort in life right now: God cares about spreading His name and joy on behalf of His heavenly kingdom for His glory and He needs to use us more than He needs us to be comfortable. 

I'll leave off with this thought too...

Aren't you thankful for those pictures of the fails? Aren't you glad that someone told you the snowman cookie cake is going to look like the Star Wars Space Slug unless you do steps XY&Z? Aren't you glad that some silly girl gave you a glimpse into the world of a novice sewer so you know how to plan your next project? (Pro Tip: Just go buy some play food from Toys R Us...DIY is not worth it.) Aren't you glad that you have seen what happens when you shrink Elsa's head down to a softball and give her the body of John Cena?

Ok...maybe not that last one...I kind of wish I could unsee that myself.

Take that into consideration! You can learn from your own mistakes obviously, but when you are open and share those mistakes with other people- think about how much they might be able to learn from you! That means that we have to stop living these perfect, church-y, christian-y lives on the internet and start being real and transparent with people. It's the most unnatural thing in the world to just be open and honest with someone you don't know very well, but it's also one of the most freeing things you can do for yourself. And maybe even for that other person!

Here's to embracing our realities this week! May we be blessed in waiting for God to reveal His perfect plans to us

Along Came Aaron...and Other Thoughts about Exodus

"But Moses pleaded with the Lord, 'O Lord, I'm not very good with words. I never have been, and I'm not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue tied- and my words get tangled.' then the Lord said to Moses, 'Who makes a person's mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say. But Moses again pleaded, 'Lord, please! Send anyone else.' Then the Lord became angry with Moses. 'All right,' He said. 'What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? ... I will be with both of you as you speak, and I will instruct you both in what to do..." Exodus 4:10-15 

If I can relate to anybody right now, it would 100% be Moses. 

God calls him to do something completely out of his comfort zone, and Moses pretty much says "umm are you nuts? You want ME to go and speak in front of Pharaoh and everybody else and tell him to free everybody...have you lost your mind? What kind of bush are you burning here dude? I can't talk to people. I'm not a good speaker. Pick someone else!!!"

This is the Sunday school story. The one we're familiar with. People read about Moses, stop here, and then say "Look! God can use anybody to do anything. Moses was a terrible speaker but God used him anyway and look at what he accomplished! Be fearless! God will provide!"

^true.

But...

There's this whole other half of these verses that I think we overlook.

The Lord got angry with Moses. I mean, I get it. I'd be kind of mad too. God is TALKING to Moses. The God of the whole universe is s-p-e-a-k-i-n-g to Moses through  a  bush and Moses has the audacity to say "uhhh no way. Thanks but no thanks." Seriously?

But then God says "ok. Fine. You really don't believe you can do it? Your brother Aaron can go with you."

And then Moses and Aaron go and speak to Pharaoh together.

Together...

So I started thinking about that, and I realized how that can be applied to my life.

Have you ever heard that phrase "God won't give you anything you can't handle?" Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news...but He will. For sure. Because how else are we supposed to grow? If we were comfortable all the time we wouldn't be challenged and we wouldn't be made stronger. Believe me, I am so feeling that right now. I have been stretched and challenged more in the last month or so than I think I've ever been before, and I'll be completely honest with you- sometimes it's hard. But here's the beauty in it...

God challenged Moses with a task that Moses couldn't handle...on his own.

So, enter Aaron. Aaron was someone Moses knew and trusted. Naturally, I imagine Moses felt more comfortable with Aaron near him. And he maybe then felt like he could do this big crazy thing God was calling him to do.

God put someone in Moses' life to encourage him and help him through this challenge. Moses didn't have to do it alone.

Did you see that? I italicized it and bolded it, but just in case you missed that I'll stick it here too because I think it's really important:

Moses didn't have to do it alone.

We aren't supposed to do stuff alone either. I don't know about you, but when I'm struggling with something I just completely shut down. The way I see it: This is my problem. I might tell you if you ask, but for the most part it's really not something I just want to share with anybody. Sometimes I don't even take the problem to God bc I think I can handle it on my own. But that's not how I'm supposed to do it. We are designed to need that moral support from other people that God places in our lives. That isn't a form of weakness! That's just how we are. And God knows that. He designed us that way. I am so thankful for the Aarons God has placed in my life.  The people who are willing to come alongside me, challenge me, help me discern the will of God in my life and then support me all the way till the end. What an incredible blessing it is to know we do not face anything on our own. We have God on our side, and if He is for us then who can be against us?








I've been reading through Exodus, and I have to say that I've really been challenged by a lot of different aspects of the Israelites' journey. The Israelites were told that they would be given freedom from the Egyptians, but can you imagine being in their position during that time?

Can you imagine watching with excitement as Moses and Aaron walk into Pharaoh's court and with awe and amazement over the staff becoming a snake, and then the sinking feeling in your chest when Pharaoh said no? I think we depict the Israelites with this attitude of "Ohhhhh man. You just wait Mr. Pharaoh. Moses is about to go crazy on you in the name of the Lord..." but I don't think that's the case. 

If I were in that situation, I can imagine how discouraging that would be. I can picture myself standing there, tired, discouraged, exhausted, and lifting my eyes up to the sky and whispering something like "But...God? You said we would be freed." And then perhaps I would hear the still small voice from the Lord that reminded me to wait patiently, but perhaps I would just hear the echoing silence filling the court room. 

I can picture being in the city while the plagues unfolded over the next several days. The Nile being turned into blood, infestations of frogs and gnats and locusts, sick livestock, boils, darkness, and ultimately the death of the Egyptian families' first born. I can imagine a sense of relief that would come with knowing that God was looking out for me, especially during the Passover, but I also feel like there would be a very human twinge of doubt. What if God does all of these things and Pharaoh still will not let us leave? What if He decides we aren't worth all of this trouble?

Then, when the Israelites are finally free to leave Egypt, I can picture myself walking with my brothers and sisters, singing praises, talking excitedly about this new land that we're traveling towards and being suddenly paralyzed with fear when I get word that the Egyptians are on our tail with our death as the ultimate goal. But people around me would push and shove me forward (another example, albeit hypothetical, of God putting people in our life to support us...) until I found the strength to move and allow that adrenaline to do its job. I can picture coming face to face with the sprawling Red Sea in front of us, and what it might be like to look over my shoulder to see the Egyptian army off in the distance closing in on us. 
My heart would race, tears would cloud my vision, and similarly to that court room I can imagine being overcome with discouragement, fear, and that familiar feeling of hopelessness.

But then Moses prays, tells the Israelites not to be afraid, and he places his staff in the water and there's suddenly a place for the Israelites to cross safely. 

Oh, and behind them there's a pillar of fire that's deterring the Egyptian army from smiting all of us with their swords. No big deal. Happens all the time.

Do you really think that the Israelites were completely calm during all of that? No hesitations at all? 

I mean, we assume that. We assume that these amazing men and women of God, His chosen people, stepped boldly out between the two walls of water to cross...but they're humans. They are God's chosen people, but they're still people. And I can't help but to think that if I were there, on the shore, surrounded by water and fire and an old guy with a stick as my leader and protector I would be pretty anxious. But, the Israelites did trust the Lord, and that trust paid off in that they crossed safely and the Egyptian army perished. 

If anything like that were to ever happen today: witnessing plagues, being a part of the Passover, walking through the Red Sea, seeing a cloud of fire, watching my enemies crushed under the weight of the water and being swept away...I can't imagine doubting God's way of provision for me ever again! 

But...they did. A couple of months later the Israelites are hot and tired. They're sick of traveling and they're hungry. Like, Betty White without a Snickers kind of hungry anger that makes humans say very hangry things like 'I wish we had just died in Egypt with Pharaoh. At least then we'd be full.' So, God sent down Manna from the sky to eat and gave them water from a rock. Because, obviously, the other things prior to this moment weren't enough of a sign that He was going to take care of them. But God wasn't upset with them. He loved His children, wanted what was best for them, and provided for them. He didn't ridicule them. He didn't belittle them. He didn't say "Are you guys KIDDING me? All that, and you're going to say you would have rather had it so that I just left you back there making bricks? Oh forget it. You messed up this time. Nope. Bye. You can die here." None of that. He just found another way to exemplify His glory...





I haven't read any further than that, but I'm excited to! The older I get the easier I find it to relate to the stories about the Israelites in the Old Testament. I mean, I guess that's kind of the point, but it's pretty cool to really be able to picture it. I am the Israelites, and if I had to guess I'm sure you feel that way too sometimes. You see examples of time after time where God provides for you & does these amazing things in your life, and then you find yourself doubting his ability to take care of you. Just like the Israelites did. And it wasn't just in Exodus either! The only book of the old testament I've ever read all the way through on my own prior to this year is the book of Judges. And it's one of my absolute favorites because we get to see these narratives of the Israelites go through these cycles of being close to God, rebelling because they thought they could do something better and on their own, pleading with God for forgiveness, God's grace, the Israelites being close to God, rebelling because they thought they could do things better...and so on. 

I remember reading it for the first time in a small group that I was in my sophomore year of college and telling our group leader "These people are idiots. Who makes the same mistake over and over and over again because they aren't smart enough to learn from it the first time? That's so stupid." and no sooner than the words were out of my mouth I had this lightbulb moment that I 100% do the same exact thing, so that makes me just like those 'idiots' that I was talking about.

If you've read all the way through my ramblings so far I'm genuinely impressed. This is probably one of the most long winded things I've written so far, but let me just say this to wrap up this long ended post with...

It's okay to be human. We kind of are, so we indirectly get absolute permission to do human things and feel the emotions that humans feel. Even Christians. And it's my own belief that Christians get so caught up in doing the church-y, christian-y things and get so focused on all the little things, that we lose sight of what we're supposed to be doing. I heard in a sermon recently that sometimes Christians get so caught up in righteousness and our holier than thou attitudes when witnessing to the unsaved that we lose sight of the ultimate goal in striving to lead lives that bring God glory. We make the same mistakes over and over and over again.

My prayer tonight is that my heart is opened more and that God grants me any wisdom I might need to continue to read through the Old Testament; to try to imagine what these people were really like; & then take those stories and find ways that I can apply them to my own life. And may I continue to be absolutely as amazed as I am right now by my Father who is in Heaven now protecting me and providing for me. He is the same God yesterday, today, and forever. He is the same God who was with the Israelites and Moses so many years ago, and He is with me now. How discouraged or excited I feel on any given day doesn't matter because my feelings are fickle and they are fleeting. He is constant and reliable, and that's the only thing I should cling to in this life.

Ok God...

"But God...I was comfortable. Why on earth would you ask me to do something differently? I'm terrified! This is ridiculous! What if this doesn't work out? I prayed to seek wisdom and guidance but this isn't what I meant. Are you kidding me? This is the scariest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life."

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. I will be with you wherever you go.

"Ok...but...you must not understand. What if I disappoint someone along the way? What if I mess it up? Why on earth would you ask me to do this?"

I am the great I am and I will be with you.

"Ok God ok. How am I going to do this though? I barely made it through today without having an emotional breakdown. You can't honestly think that I'm going to be able to do the same thing tomorrow or the next day or the day after that? I'm not going to be able to do this! You know that right?"

Do not worry about tomorrow, Melissa. Tomorrow has enough to worry about on it's own. Do not fear. I have called you by name and you are mine. I have equipped you with exactly what you need.

"I know that God, I believe you...but what if people don't understand? What if they're upset. What if they stop talking to me and I lose those relationships? What if I fail miserably and I am a disappointment? 

I am the stronghold of your life. Who else will you fear? In my presence you will find the fulness of joy. What else do you need? Are you seeking the approval of others or of me? If you're still looking to please other people you can't fully serve me...you can't serve two masters.

"It is no longer I, but Christ who lives in me...ok God. I know. But I just do not want to do what I feel like you are leading me to do. This is painful. I don't know how to do this. I can't do this on my own. If I do this I may not have anybody. Do you understand what that would mean? I could wind up even lonelier than I already feel. Surely that's not what you want?"

Melissa. You have me on your side, and if I am for you then who could be against you? I will not give you a spirit of timidity but one of boldness and love. There is no fear in love because my perfect love casts out fear. Be strong and courageous because I will be with you wherever you go; I will not leave you or forsake you. I will strengthen you and uphold you with my righteous right hand. Stand firm in faith and allow me to help you.

"There's no way around this, is there Lord? I may want it my way, but that's just not your will, is it? I really do just have to take a leap of faith here...don't I?"

Melissa, I know the plans that I have made for you. I promise they are plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Continue to ask me for wisdom and I will give it to you freely. Trust not on your own understanding but in all that you do lean on me and trust that I will make your paths straight for you.

"Your kingdom come....your will be done...in all circumstances. Not just the easy ones."

Yes.

"...I have a peace about it...but it's still hard. This isn't what I wanted."

I know. I know all of your thoughts and what you feel before you even think them. I knew this wasn't going to be easy for you, but I never promised that this life would be easy. Did I?

"Nope."

Regardless of how you feel my love is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. You are my child and I need you to trust that I have a plan to make all things come together and work out to show my glory. 

"Ok...I can do that. But it's not going to be easy for me. I'm going to need help remembering that you've got this. All of this. I'm going to try really hard not to grasp onto anything and let you take control of this one....but I'm also probably going to mess up."

Persevere. Don't give up. Keep trusting. Keep talking to me. Wake up each morning and embrace the new mercy that I have bestowed upon you. Draw near to me and I will draw near to you.

"Ok God...b-but what it I don-"

Do not conform to this world. Be transformed by renewing your mind and focusing on me. Then you will be more adept to see my pleasing and perfect will. Be still my child, and know that I am God.

"Ok God."

Though the music changes, and the songs we sing, we still lift our praises to our loving God and King. Though the seasons change, your love remains. 
Lord you've been faithful to plant the seeds and you will be faithful to send your rain. Though the seasons change, your love remains.
When we were far apart you came running with open arms.Though the seasons change, your love remains. 

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven;

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant and a time to pluck up what has been planted;

a time to kill and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

-Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

I will not be a Helen Parr in 2017

There are two types of people in this world: those who make resolutions and those who do not. Usually I am not one who does, but you're going to have to excuse my cliche' New Year New Me rant this year.

Someone asked me recently how they could pray for me, and I told them I felt discouraged and that I felt like I was facing a lot of spiritual warfare.

Facing spiritual warfare was my go to prayer request for 2016. That's what I said when I was anxious. That's what I said when I was angry. That's what I said when I felt alone. I just blamed it on the devil and didn't make any sort of game plan to beat him at his stupid game of making me feel inadequate and unworthy. If the Superbowl results were released on December 31st, and my reflection on how my 2016 went portrayed my score then the board would have flashed in big letters: SATAN WINS!!! MELISSA LOSES.

Yesterday was January 1st, 2017 and my social media was flooded with resolutions and reflections. People going on and on about all the things they accomplished and all these great things they planned to do. And I sat there with arms folded and a scowl on my face because I have struggled with my 'spiritual warfare' all year long...and I felt just as discouraged by it on December 31st, 2016 as I did on December 31st 2013, '14, and '15.

So I started to do my own version of the cliche' New Years thing...and I started to reflect. And I started to ask myself why. And the more I thought about it, the more angry at myself I got and the more I had write it out so I could process it. Because it's 100% my own fault.

Have you ever seen the Incredibles? There's a scene in that movie where one of the main characters feels sorry for herself and she turns to her friend for sympathy. But her friend doesn't give it to her. Instead, she slaps her upside the head and tells her to pull herself together.

I needed to pull myself together. I need to confront the problem! I need to fight! I must win!

And in order to fight and win, I believe that I have to be honest. Because the more I thought about it, the more I felt drawn to the conclusion that I can not be alone in my struggle. I felt prompted to share it, so maybe if you're dealing with what I've been dealing with we can deal with it together this year instead of crying into toilet paper feeling sorry for ourselves on December 31st, 2017 while someone else who succeeded in their resolutions slaps us on the back of the head with a rolled up newspaper. 

I will not be Helen Parr. So, here goes nothing...

I know myself well enough to shamefully admit that I know I do everything I can do to make other people happy. I am a people pleaser. If you know me at all, then this isn't new information. I've admitted it before, and I've said I'd work on it. This time, I'm getting to the roots of why I think I'm a people pleaser and it's one of the messiest things I've ever written/admitted. I apologize now if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but I'm not sorry for my honesty. If messy and broken freaks you out go ahead and stop reading now. You can go dust off your copy of The Incredibles and grab a bowl of popcorn for a trip down nostalgia road. (That movie came out eleven years ago! It's fabulous though, so even if you continue reading and you aren't avoiding the corner of the internet covered in my messy and broken you should still go watch it later.) Anyway, back to the topic at hand:

When I try to make people happy, one of two things happen:

1. I let myself down.  I disappointed someone. I made someone mad. I upset someone. I didn't do something the way someone wanted me to do it. I fall short and I beat myself up over it. I fail.

2. Someone else lets me down. They fail. They disappoint me. They made me mad. They made me upset. They didn't do it the way I wanted them to do it. They fall short and I get even angrier. They fail.

What's the common denominator?

God isn't a part of either outcome because God isn't a factor in the original problem.

I do everything I can do to make other people happy...

Where do I leave room for Christ in that scenario? I don't. Not until the end anyway.

When my attempts at pleasing other people fail: God, why? Why am I not good enough? Why didn't they think that was great? Why did you make me like this? Why am I not more like that other person? Why are you leaving me high and dry with no where to turn to? What are you doing? Where are you? Why don't you love me? 

When my attempts at pleasing other people succeed: God, aren't you proud of me? Look at what I did! Isn't it marvelous? I'm the best thing since sliced bread or manna from the sky on a Wednesday or something! I did that all on my own, aren't you pleased? Look! I get a gold star now! Actually, that was really  hard. Go ahead, give me two or three! Oh I love you God! You're the best! 

It's a rude awakening to type that out, and while I'm exaggerating slightly that's still brutally spot on.

I am a "good" girl. When people do those super predictable team building activities with me, and they have to write down one word that describes me; I always hear the same self-confidence boosters.

Melissa is nice. Melissa is sweet. Melissa is kind. 

I'm the poster child for being your go-to girl. Need someone reliable? Me! Need someone responsible? Me! Need someone who recycles? Me! Me! Me!

And being that person makes me so so happy! When I hear the words that affirm who I'm trying so hard to be I get a satisfaction that is almost unexplainable. I become obsessed with my 'goodness' and it permeates everything I do. But even being good is very bad when you do it with wrong intentions.

I strive to be good so that I feel good about myself. Which is selfish.

I strive to be good so that I make you feel good about yourself...so you'll like me. Which is selfish.

I strive to be good so that I can talk to God and talk about all the wonderful ways that I glorified Him today and made sure others saw His light through me. Which is selfish.

Selfishness. Pride. Doubt. Bitterness.

I stop and consider my discontentment with my circumstances or find myself unhappy in situations; I can almost always point back to one of those four feelings. And now the truth is out there...

For someone who's supposed to be a Christian being renewed by the Holy Spirit and serving others with humility and grateful heart I sure sound like I relate to other people in the world who aren't christians. I sure sound like everyone else when we scrape off all of that "good" stuff and unveil the truth.

I sound like other people in the world.

I sound worldly.

B-b-but...but...the bible says do not conform to the patterns of this world. And my Sunday School teachers told me all about worldly things: sex. drugs. fame. money. drunkenness. immodest clothing. cuss words. blasphemy. I've thought for years and years and years that worldly things=things that are bad.

I am so so wrong.

Because selfishness, pride, doubt, and bitterness are worldly too. My desire to please others is worldly. My justified worry to plan for my future is worldly. I recently realized that I am caught up in worldly things just as much as a non-believer is, but my worldly things are disguised by smiles and morality. You can't judge my intentions, because usually you don't know them...so I'm safe. My secret is well kept and I can go on floating through my life and routines...all the while fooling most.

Since becoming a Christian I have heard the verse "Do not conform to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" dozens and dozens of times. It's one of those famous verses that people quote all the time, and after a while repetitive phrases kind of lose their potency. I stopped viewing "worldly things" as things that were not of God and began justifying "worldly things" as things that were not moral. The line between morality and christianity was blurred, and rather than living my life sold out for Christ I have been living my life as one who is sold out for comfort and safety of things that add on to my definition of what a 'good' girl should be.

I've heard Romans 12:2 recently a lot, and each time I heard it I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and tuned it out. I'm a christian. I'm a good person. Jesus loves me. Most people like me. The only thing I need to transform is that number on my jeans from two digits down to one. I'm good.

No I am not. I am not good. I do not have it together. I am not capable of doing anything independently outside of Christ. Period.




So, after a lot of unnecessary soul-searching over an answer that was right under my nose, I made the resolution to fight and win. I will not be defeated because I was having a pity party instead of gearing up with the armor of God. My goal for 2017 is to transform my attitude and my perceptions of the things going on in my life. I don't know what that will look like just yet, but I'm going to figure it out one day at a time by pursuing the wisdom and love of Christ. I will not conform to my patterns of selfishness and pride like I have in the past.

I went to look up what Romans 12:2 said ver batim to place it as the closing remarks for this post, and lo and behold look what the entire verse actually says. (Emphasis added.)

Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." (NIV)

Romans 12:2 "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." (NLT)

Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." (ESV)

I can't see what God's g-o-o-d and p-e-r-f-e-c-t will is when I am in the world. THAT'S why I must transform the way I think about the world and the things in it.

Ok Jesus, I'm listening. For real. I get it. Wow.

My 2017 resolution has been set. What's yours?

Response to "12 Reasons Millennials are OVER Church"

If you haven't read this, check it out. "12 Reasons Millennials are OVER Church" by Sam Eaton

I tried to share the article and fit all of my thoughts in a short little status, but there was absolutely no way. This has weighed on my heart for a LONG time, and thankfully someone has finally put it into words far more eloquently than I will ever be able to.

Ok...so here's my two cents. It's probably closer to six or seven cents; you were warned. ;)

There is absolutely nothing more discouraging than listening to other generations within the body of Christ (not just in the church!) trash talk millennials and say that we are lazy, entitled, whiny, liberal, thick-headed, inconsiderate, and uneducated on "important things" that "used to matter." 

So...as a younger believer who is listening to older and more experienced believers, I've learned that I'm supposed to look up to Christians who belittle those around them who think differently than they do? That makes sense. That's what Jesus did, right?

I know that's harsh, and if that offends you I am terribly sorry. But do you have any idea what it feels like to be the millennial in the body of Christ and on a regular basis essentially hear the words

 "Good Golly Gravy, your generation sucks." 

It's offensive. People walk around and talk about how disrespectful and inconsiderate my generation is, but other generations did the exact same things that we do! They just do it in different ways.

I studied a lot at the beginning of the semester on generational gaps as part of one of my Sociology classes. When I first saw the subject I rolled my eyes. Some light reading about how much my generation is the worst one ever. Yippee.

But, I was completely enthralled by the second or third article!  I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was to conclude after several weeks of reading and studying dozens upon dozens of articles and doing some independent research on the subject as well: the mentality of "those darn kids..." or "the expletive youth today..." goes back THOUSANDS of years. 

Check this out if it interests you:

Hesoid, a Greek poet, is reported to have said around 800 BC ""I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words... When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise [disrespectful] and impatient of restraint".  While it is not certain who originally actually wrote it, the following  quote is most frequently attributed to Socrates from  around 450 BC, "The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers."  Peter the Hermit, a key figure in the first Crusade to the Holy Land wrote, "The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress."

'I see no hope for the future of our people if they're dependent on this generation of individuals to run things while we're gone.'

'We were taught to respect our elders. These kids have zero respect for any of us.'

'Kids today are spoiled, rude, disrespectful, and they gossip.'

'Young people are selfish.'

'Young girls have no class.'

^Does any of that sound familiar? People were saying stuff like that back in 800 BC. How crazy is that?!?!!

The same disapproval happened to generation X and Y and the baby boomers too! In the 50s and 60's Elvis Presley changed the world with  Rock n Roll. That 'loud racket' that I'm sure my grandparents' parents couldn't stand the first few times they heard it play. The Beatles. Short skirts, tight tops, long hair, woodstock....all of those things earned the seal of utter disapproval by other generations during that point in history. Now they're things we learn about today as revolutionary and pivotal moments in our country's development. In Eaton's article, point 4 hits it right on the head- Stop Blaming Culture. 

Instead of Elvis and the Beatles we have Kanye West and The Chainsmokers. (In my opinion Generation X and Y got the way better end of the deal in terms of revolutionary music, but that's solely one person's opinion.)

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So let's recap real quick: this generational gap thing isn't new. *insert the praise hand emojis*

Millennials, we can stop feeling sorry for ourselves now. I don't think we're the worst generation ever by any means, but good gracious we're whiny. (Don't believe me? Think that's mean? Go ask your grandpa if he ever got a participation trophy for playing sports...'nuff said.)

Now that all of that's out of the way and we're all on the same page (I don't suck. My generation doesn't suck. Elvis doesn't suck. Other generations didn't suck when they were teens/young adults either. etc. etc. etc.) let's talk about why there's this staggering difference in church attendance among millennials that started this whole conversation.

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Would I personally say that being a millennial in the church is frustrating? Absolutely. But can I just say this- I think being anybody in the church can be frustrating. I don't care who you are. It isn't the building's fault. It's not frustrating because there's a fault or a loophole with Christianity. (The Bible says that God is love. His love for us is perfect and unconditional. If you think it's His fault or that He's the problem come talk to me some time, I'd love to tell you the good news about how that's not true at all.) It's not the pastor's fault. Pastors are people and they aren't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I can practically guarantee you that at a successful church that is striving to glorify Christ the pastor is not off in the corner rubbing his hand maniacally and twirling his mustache while scheming ways to destroy relationships between people and relationships with individuals and Christ. (If a maniacal man twirling his mustache is in the corner of your church right now and you can see blue prints in front of him titled 'ways to destroy the church' I would mayyyyyybe report that...or start to look for a different church home...just sayin')

So if it isn't the building, the pastor, or God then why is it so frustrating sometimes to be in the church?

 I don't know much, but here's what I think: it's people. Every single one of us is messy. We're all broken. We're all a little judgmental. Every one of us is sinful and we all fall short of the glory of God. We are imperfect. We are inadequate. We fail. We all think we know what's best.

When you stick a bunch of messy, broken, judgmental, imperfect, inadequate failures in a building trying to do life together can you see where the miscommunications could happen? Can you see where the tensions could have opportunities to arise? Can you see where conflict comes up? I can. And I do.

I'll be completely honest here folks, because I think if you're honest you would say the same things about your church: my church is full of messy.

People disagree all the time. People have preferences that get trumped. People's feelings get hurt. People don't always like people and people don't always treat people the way they should. But you know what I love? And can I say that I love it even more now after reading Eaton's article?

Can I say how much I love my church? I do. I absolutely love it. I love doing life with messy people who love the Lord and don't expect me to be perfect. I love being reminded of the gospel and grace and humility when I do have to handle conflicts with others in my church. My church is a family. It's a tad bit dysfunctional on occasion, but that's just the way that families are. My church is my family, and I am so NOT over them. I am a millennial like the ones described in Eaton's article but if most millennials feel like Maria in the Sound of Music then I guess that makes me Ned Flanders. (Great.)

I'm 21 years old. I'm an active participant in the college/young adult ministry at my church, and would say that I actively serve in other ministries in my church as well. I'm the farthest image of Maria staring longingly out the abbey window as you can possibly get. 

So what's the difference between me and the Maria Millennials? Why did I stay put instead of dropping out like so many my age have? Why am I still so enthusiastic about this? Why is this so important to me that I'm up at 3am during finals week trying to find the words to express how much this subject means to me?

I have a couple of theories, and if you've read this far down I'll assume you're curious as to what they are.

I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was 14 on a youth trip to the beach on the last night of our stay at this condo called The Islander. I had listened the whole week to my youth pastor talk about how God reveals Himself to people and how He longs for a relationship with people. I didn't exactly grow up in the church, but I went enough to know basic bible stories and who about God was/what He did. I knew the story of Jesus. I understood what people were talking about when people talked about Easter and the resurrection and things like that. But on that particular night, after singing 'Glory to God Forever' by a guy named Steven Fee for the eighteenth time in a row that week, and after being successfully sunburned on every inch of my body I looked at my youth minister and said something along the lines of "I know all these things about God, but I don't know God like you've talked about knowing Him." And that was the day it clicked for me. I knew that Christ died for me. I knew that I was loved unconditionally. I knew the true definition of grace and worship and assurance and salvation. I knew it, and I believed it with all my heart. I still do!

From 2009 to 2016 I've done as much as I can to soak up as much as possible about the Word of God. I don't think I've ever let age stand in my way of anything in my spiritual life. If a bible study sounded interesting- I joined it. I remember doing an Angela Thomas bible study with my mom and a bunch of ladies in our church through the women's ministry in high school and being one of the youngest people in the room. The women talked about the difficulties and trials they faced from the seasons of life they were in- having children, having teenagers, losing a spouse, being laid off, abusive situations, and other things that fifteen or sixteen year old me probably didn't even know how to process. I didn't sit there quietly without participating though. These women around me were discussing their situations, and I opened up about mine too. I talked openly about homework stress and teachers and health problems and friend drama, and while those things pale in comparison to trials of motherhood or going through what it must be like to lose a husband I was never told that my problems were invalid. I was never belittled. I was always supported. I was constantly encouraged.

I was respected, and it made me respect others.

I've also had mentors throughout my entire christian life. I had three core youth leaders throughout my high school career and each of them had a wife that were extremely involved in our youth ministry. There was also a lady in college who had a heart for ministering to middle and high school girls that I really looked up to. When I graduated high school and transitioned from the youth group I not only found a mentor/best friend in a lady named Melissa Shaeffer, but I began to build relationships with other women in my church as well. 

I figured out how much I loved to sing and joined the choir. I made dear friends there.

I discovered that I absolutely love coming up with ideas for events and planning game nights and parties, so someone asked me to serve on our Women's Ministry Panel. I've made a TON of friends through that.

I've made my best effort to attend a prayer service at my church on Tuesday nights off and on throughout college, and I've met and gotten closer to several women in my church that way.

I've gone on retreats. I've done other bible studies like the one I did when I was 15 or 16.  I've fond ways to serve like the people in my life mentored me. One of my closest friends is 16. Another is 34. One of them is more than 70 years young. Age doesn't freak me out. I believe that God puts people in my life for a reason and I'm supposed to learn as much as I can about Him through His word and through people He places around me. Everyone has something to offer. I learn things from each of those people because I pray specifically and often that God places people in my life that will reveal His glory to me, and He usually does! <3

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I don't know why statistics say what they say. I don't know why my generation is the way that it is. I'm sorry we seem kind of pathetic sometimes. I'm sorry we discourage you. I'm sorry you feel like you're talking to a brick wall. The article isn't totally wrong though. That point about mentor-relationships? I think if I had to pin point something specifically in my walk that's been the most influential thing it would be those relationships. The point about talking about controversial issues because no one else is? Also totally valid. Wanting to feel valued, wanting to feel included, desiring to not be talked about in a negative way? All valid.

There are a few points in this article that I'd like to conclude with by saying that I don't necessarily agree with them 100%, but only because I've never encountered them in the church.

I don't feel like no one is listening to me. I've always felt valued and I've always feel like, when approached in a place out of love and good intent, people listen and communicate openly with me.

I also don't think it's fair to say that 'we're sick of talking about mission statements.' I completely see where Eaton is coming from, but I find differences in theology across denominations of churches fascinating. Reformed versus Non-reformed. Pre-destination versus Free Will. Calvinism versus Arminiasm. These aren't negative debates in of themselves, and I think it's extremely important that I educate myself on aspects of theology and doctrine so that i can better prepare myself to share the gospel with others. However, when doctrine or conflicts surrounding doctrine gets in the way of the whole point of the cross then I can totally see where that would be a problem. Not ok.

I've also never dealt with feelings of distrust or misallocations with finances in my church during my time at my church. In fact, one time recently when I did have a question about a money situation our church was going through I asked an elder that I respected and trusted and he very honestly told me and clarified what was going on.

I've never felt as though the public perception of my church was a negative one, and trust me when I say that there's been a lot of adapting in my church family lately to bridge the generational gap and reach millennials so I can't say that I agree that's a problem either.

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Here's the bottom line and the point I'm trying to desperately make...

If you aren't a millennial. If you are Generation X or Y or a Baby Boomer or even Fred Flinstone's first cousin. If you are a christian who has been on this earth longer than the 18-30 year olds in your congregation please please PLEASE don't belittle them. Don't tell them they're stupid or that they're ruining everything. Don't hate on our music or hairstyles or dance moves. Let us just talk to you. Tell us about what you like to do or about what the Lord is teaching you. Invite us to sit by you or take us to coffee one day (Millennials loveeeeeeeeeeee coffee. And if you find one that doesn't like coffee call me. I'll come drink their cup while ya'll chat.) Treat us the way you wanted people to treat you when you were our age. Respect is reciprocal. Trust is earned. Relationships are built.

If you are a millennial in the church, stop giving other people (regardless of their generation) ammo to use against us. Stop walking around like we are entitled. Stop ignoring your elders. Stop only signing up to attend the events with free food and wake your happy tail up one day, get out of your comfort zone, and serve someone else. (I'm talking to myself here as well!) Stop thinking that your preferences matter more than someone else's or that you matter more than the elderly or young children. You don't. Search for new opportunities to grow. Look for people in the church you admire and build a relationship with them. Smile more. Listen better. Respect people around you and treat others the way you want to be treated.

If you aren't in a church (millennial or not!) because you have a bad taste in your mouth from previous experiences start looking for another place again. Start to visit. Seek fellowship. Seek community. Seek other messy broken people to do life with. It's not always easy, but I promise you it's worth it. There's nothing like standing with your brothers and sisters in Christ, worshipping God Almighty, closing your eyes and realizing that the Lord is granting you a small glimpse into what the Kingdom of Heaven will one day be like. There's nothing else on earth that compares to serving with my brothers and sisters in Christ and thinking that we are in some way fulfilling what Christ called us to do so many years ago when He told us to go forth and make disciples or to do for the least of these. There's no feeling like having a brother or sister in Christ pray for you and realizing that they're speaking to Abba Father on behalf of you here on earth, but Jesus Christ is standing at the right hand of the throne of God pleading our case, covering us with His love, looking down on us and telling God "That one. That one is mine." If you aren't in a church, if you aren't fellowshipping or worshipping or praying or serving or doing life with other believers please feel free to join me this week at my church. I'll include the link to our website at the bottom of this post if you'd like more information. Feel free to message me on social media as well if you'd like. If you aren't in a church because you haven't had your moment like I had on that youth retreat where it 'clicked' and you aren't in church because you don't know what it's like to share life with brothers and sister in Christ because you don't have brothers or sisters in Christ please please please feel free to talk to me. If I freak you out, read the gospel of John. Call a pastor at my church. Talk to your friends that you know are born again believers. Go visit their church if you'd like to. Just please don't let previous negative experiences determine the outcome of what the rest of your life could be like. Life is full of so much more than you even realize.

I love you, but Jesus loves you so much more. Thanks for reading this! I know it was a long one.