I'm Alive

So much for keeping up with my blog in college. ;) In my defense, I did try for a little while. I'm fairly certain I wrote a thing or two here and there. Honestly, I have thought about it quite often. I've read a quote, or had something exciting happen and think to myself "that would make a cute post..." but I just never got around to doing it. I was going to write a post about my summer trip with RUF, about a weekend St. Louis trip, and a weekend camping trip. But I suppose those will go down in history as good intentions. I was going to write a post about this video too, but you'll just have to watch it instead. Sorry ;)

My summer was quite busy. I worked full time five days a week at my church after-school-care/summer program. It was awesome. I loved every single millisecond of it! The whole experience just reinforced what I already knew I wanted to do with my life. Sometimes I think my passion to be an elementary school teacher is border line absurd. The other day I spent three hours on Teachers Pay Teachers looking for all sorts of ideas and things I could use in my classroom at work, or things I could do one day in a future classroom. I spend hours on Pinterest too. It's a little obsessive. I have my own room for the after school care program at work that I share with an AWESOME co-teacher, and I'm actually embarrassed to tell you how much time I've spent finding ideas, crafting, decorating, and organizing my little corner of the building. I adore it :) I love filing papers, printing out crafts, cleaning up toys, wiping down tables, vacuuming the carpets, washing the whiteboard, laminating letters, hanging up bulletin boards, sending home notes (when I remember that there are notes to be sent), and every aspect about what I get to do every day. And this is just a glimpse!!! God willing, one day I get to do this full-time! It's a beautiful blessing when God allows your passions and career to come together so flawlessly and effortlessly. <3 But, like I was saying: summer was busy. Work, church activities with my college class, spending time with friends that were in town for the summer, family, weekend vacations here and there. It was a LOT! Looking back and thinking about it now, it was easily one of the best summers I've had in a long time. :)

Unfortunately, 'all good things must come to an end.' :[ School has already started for so many munchkins in Memphis, and I start back in just a week or two. I'm excited about this being my last semester of general education classes, but I'd be lying to you if I said I was thrilled about five days a week of 8am classes, AND a Saturday morning class. Yes, that exists. It's going to be a LONG semester. I will be accepting starbucks gift cards, individual packs of coffee, entire containers of coffee grinds, caffeine patches, and anything else that could get me up and going in the mornings. It'll be okay, and I'm committed to staying with it! My first semester I had a 3.7 GPA, and the second semester I had a 2.6! Lesson Learned: You're paying thousands of dollars for the class anyway, so just go. Showing up is half the grade. This girl's name will be on the Dean's List for sure! I'm confident that I can do it!

I suppose that's all I have to say for now. No telling when the next time will be that I can hop back, so I guess a "see ya later alligator" would be an acceptable goodbye. (:

Relax.

This morning I spent about twenty minutes or so talking to someone about how crazy stressed out I've been with a couple different things life was tossing my way. The person told me three or four different times in the conversation "the Lord will provide for you. He will work it out." And I just kind of nodded my head while inwardly scowling. How many times have I heard that? But, for the rest of the day God just reminded me that I was taken care of...
I found cash in a pocket that I needed in order to go out to lunch with my sunday school class. I found $9.00. Lunch was $8.87.
I was stressing about paying for a trip coming up with a group from school. I found out today I got a scholarship that covered the remaining balance.
I've been so. So. SO. stressed out about my grades. And even more stressed out about feeling behind. I sat down this afternoon and knocked out all of the remaining assignments for one of my classes that had the most work, so I'm ahead in that class. Then I had an email saying that the professor in another class was giving an extension on a different  assignment.

In the big scheme of life, its little things. Things that I may not remember. Nothing worth telling my children or grandchildren about 30-40-50 years down the road. But God told me through somebody else today "to relax." And when I didn't get that message the first time it's like he said "ok fine. Be that way. Let me show what all I can do if you just would calm down and pay attention."

"Be still and know that I am God"

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Passion in your soul bubbling to the surface.

Bravery to stand up for what you believe in. 

The taste of victory leaving a thick taste in your mouth. 

Watching him leave for something better. 

Despair for what you cannot control. 

Hate pulsating under your skin. 

Frustration burning you to the core.

Pain oozing from your knees as you fall down the hill head over heels, but towards the ragged ground beneath you. 

Your chest pounding against the prison of your rib cage. 

Menacing sounds that accompany salty tears falling fast in the middle of the night. 

Cruel words dripping from your freshly painted lips. 

Loving with an intensity that you don't understand. 

Aggression hitting you with a force you can't comprehend.

Withdrawing deeper into the depths of resentfulness.

Racing thoughts in the darkness.

Humiliation coloring your cheeks.

Trying and failing to catch your breath.

Overwhelming feelings of inferiority and inadequacy taking over.

Pressure to do more, be more, feel more.

Judgmental stares full of critical words piercing your skin.

The Color Red.

How He Loves Us - David Crowder (Matt Chandler & John Piper)

I don't condemn you. And if I don't no one can

Embracing Accusation / John Piper Mix

I can not escape the exceeding wonder that not only does God
look upon a guilty person in the court room and exercise clemency and forgive
him and say “You’re guilty. I forgive you. Go and sin no more.” But he also
beyond all imagination looks upon this guilty sinner and does not just say “You’re
guilty and I forgive you” he says “You’re not guilty.” I mean, forgiveness is
understandable. Just a little bit understandable. We kind of have some way to get
our hands around forgiveness. You let it go, you don’t hold it against them. But
this? He looks me right in the face, sinner that I am, and says “Righteous.”

If I Could Write a Letter To Me

Dear Melissa,
I wish you could have read this when you were about twelve years old. I can picture you sitting in your desk in Mrs. Dacus' classroom rushing through your TCAP practice so you could finish the chapter in whatever book you had your hands on at the moment, or so you could pass a note over to your friend. No, you never get caught passing notes in class. Don't stress out.
Anyway, I wish  you could have read this when you were about twelve. I wish I could go back in time and tell you that the fight you just had with your friend over the fact that you didn't stick up for her at the lunch table isn't the end of the world. In fact, ya'll are laughing about it tomorrow. You remember that fight though all throughout high school and well into your college career, and you never sit idly to the side and watch someone be bullied when you have the opportunity to stick up for them. I wish I could tell you to play the clarinet like mom told you to in sixth grade. Choir is fine, and you sing in the church choir one day too, but oh the experience you have at your eighth grade spring concert!!! Let's just say that you'll never listen to Amazing Grace the same way again. Plus, you regret not being able to read music later on. I wish I could tell you not to eat a banana when you're already feeling nauseous.  Because when you throw up a banana, it takes about a year before you can even stand the smell.Iwish I could tell you to eat the stupid Flintstones vitamin everyday, and to drink more water and less sweet tea.It would've paid off.
But, more than anything I wish I could tell you this.Over the next few years you'll learn that you can't make everyone happy. You learn that you need to listen more and talk less. You learn how to stay out of drama, and will learn how to handle the everyday problems with poise and wisdom. You'll grow up. It gets messy sometimes, you'll cry a lot, you'll get stressed, you'll get angry, but you'll be okay. One day you'll sit down at you're desk in the bedroom (A nice desk, not the ugly white one in the corner of your bedroom. That goes away a little later in life.) and briefly reminisce on what you've been through in life so far. You'll make the realization that while things seem hard, and unfair, and unjust; you don't have it bad at all.
By the time you're eighteen you will have gotten into a handful of arguments with mom and dad, have a speeding ticket under your belt, passed your first semester of college, and both started and quit your first job. You'll stay busy but  you like every second of you're crazy schedule.
I wish I could go back in time and not only let you read this letter, but also simply talk to you and tell you about life. I would warn you to never speed in Bartlett, and to never ever confuse baking soda with baking mix. Baby girl, it takes a LONG time and a LOT of failed recipes before you can even make Mac n Cheese. I know that you'll never read this, and even if you do a lot of it won't make sense. That's okay. Regardless of how old you are or where you are in life, just know that while you have bad days you do not have a bad life. When you make mistakes, it doesn't make you a bad person. You are who you are. You are imperfect, stubborn, hard-headed, and kind of air headed sometimes too. But you are one of the most passionate, empathetic dreamersthat most people will ever know. You're loyal, you're kind, and you genuinely care about everyone you meet. You make it past the stupid middle school drama, and the crazy four years of high school as well. And you know what? You turn out to be a pretty okay kid. ;) Little girl, you are very loved. Even when you don't feel like it. Remember that.
Love,
Your Future Self

Here's What I Know

Here’s what I know:

I’m a stubborn, hard headed, perfectionist who makes about a hundred mistakes every day. A lot of the time I make the same stupid mistakes over and over and over. I am stupid emotional. I can’t keep anything clean. I get upset when I make a B on a paper when I wanted it to be an A. I care way too much about what people think about me. I spazz out when things don’t go my way. I am an imperfect girl living in a world that stresses being a certain way……….And there is a God who loves me. There is a God who created me uniquely. Who took the time to plan every moment of my life. Who loves me despite all of my stupid imperfections. Who understands how I feel on the days when all I want to do is lay in bed under my covers, or on the days when I can barely function. Who can look past my feelings of inferiority, insecurity, and self doubt and see something beautiful that he adores. To this day, I don’t understand how He can do that with not just me but all of us. He has provided for me throughout my ups and downs during high school and even now in college. I’m an emotional person. God has provided a TON of emotional support that I desperately need. He’s the center of everything I do.

Everything changes when you have to grow up. You have to get a job to pay for things, you have to make hard decisions, and you have to balance your entire life during the twelve hours you're awake during the day. I'm not a girl who likes change. There are many days when I throw my hands up in the air because life is swirling around me, and I can't control it. I get frustrated. I get antsy. I get mad. I begin to wonder and think 'how on earth can I handle everything? If I can't handle small things what happens when big things show up??' And then I remember...God has gotten me through everything so far. He’s given me the right people at just the right time. He’s reminded me that it’s ok to not be perfect. He’s shown time and time again that He cares for me. His plan for me is still unfolding and I just have to sit back and sit tight. He’s going to do what He knows is best for me, and that’s why that even though I get so frustrated with how He does things at the end of every day I can fall in love with God even more.

"Here in the power of Christ I stand."