Unspoken

"Do you have any prayer requests?"

"Unspoken."

Sometimes, there are situations in which this is an okay answer. There are even situations where this is the only ok answer. I want to say now, in the beginning of this post, that I'm not condoning the use of this word. But, I think there are times when christians say this and use it as a blanket answer to avoid messy conversations and getting too personal with people.

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Take what I did today as an example. Someone asked me how they could pray for me, and they were 100% genuine. There were no ulterior motives, there was no hidden agenda. I responded with a generic "Patience for dealing with my kids at work. We're all getting a little restless since we haven't been able to play outside in a while." and a nonchalant "And an unspoken...just some personal things I'm dealing with." 

The person asking if she could pray for me gave me an earnest "Ok! You got it!" and our small group went on sharing prayer requests. 

The truth?

My real prayer request wasn't for patience at work or for motivation at school. My real prayer request was for strength while dealing with severe depression spells and major anxiety attacks for the last couple of weeks. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I'm burned out and fed up with things life keeps throwing at me. They aren't even big things! It's just a million and one little things that overwhelm me. I'm in a weird, dark, funky place and there's nothing I can do right now that feels like it's helpful or productive. I can't sleep at night and I can't stop crying during the day. I feel utterly helpless and defeated and those are miserable things to feel. So my real prayer request is for strength to make it through this week tomorrow and maybe the next day so I can focus on making it through the days after that since every day is a battle to push through the negative emotions and things I'm feeling.

But to admit that would be to admit that I'm a messy person with messy feelings. 

To admit that would mean to admit that the smile on my face is just a really good mask.

To admit that would mean to admit that I don't have my life together at all.

To admit that might mean that someone will judge me and not like me and my broken, messed up life...

So I smile and say "Unspoken."

Sure, they can pray for Melissa's unspoken prayer request. God knows what I'm referring to, and when they pray for it He'll know exactly what they're talking about. I have no doubt in my mind that this is true. But, my family and friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, will not know how to encourage me. They will not know that the simple "Hello! I hope you have a great day!" text message means the world to me. They won't have a clue that I'm struggling with something so painful. How can I expect them to? I won't tell them, so how will they know?

Every single week I hear people say "I have an unspoken prayer request that I need lifted up." or I read someone else's response to the question "How can I pray for you?" and see the word "Unspoken." And it just makes me wonder if they hurt as much as I do when the thick, three syllable word rolls off my tongue.

There's a time and a place for everything. Maybe the middle of the supermarket where you run into someone who sits a few rows ahead of you during service isn't the best time or place to go into your life story and detailed struggles of the past week or the weeks ahead. But maybe earlier when someone asked me how they could pray for me I should've just said "You know, I've really been struggling with depression and anxiety attacks for the last several weeks and I could just use some encouragement." because I was with people I know and trust, and in a situation where it would have been okay.

It's okay to be real with people. It's okay to be honest. It's okay to open up to one another and use the struggles in your life to encourage each other and build each other up. We don't have to live perfect Pinterest lives. We don't have to smile all the time. We don't have to have it all together. We can be messy and broken and beautiful, but we can do it together.

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Galatians 6:2 "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ"

Romans 12:!5 "Rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with those who mourn."

"My hero doesn't wear a cape. He wears a cross."

Happy Easter <3

Encouragement for Today

You aren't my competition.

Let's play a game. It's intense, high stakes, and requires a lot of concentration so I don't recommend it for the faint at heart. Here are the rules:

1. There is always a loser. Always. A majority of that time the loser is going to be you. The same singular loser, regardless of who's playing.
2. You have to verbally idolize the success and positive attributions of others while bringing yourself down as far as you possibly can. Think of the worst thing about yourself, and put it next to all of the best things you adore about the person you admire. Think of that one awful thing you did two summers ago. Or that one thing that you hate about yourself that you do all the time. Keep thinking about it....obsess over it...don't stop.
3. Once you start playing you can't ever stop. You'll do it constantly, on purpose, on accident, at the grocery store, in the shower, at the movies, all. the. time.

Welcome to the comparison game. You won't see many volunteering as tribute for this one...
You've probably been playing round after round for as long as you can remember without even knowing. Sometimes you'll win: the person who you thought of just wasn't up to the standards you had laid out or thought up. But, winning the comparison game is a rarity. And guess what? No trophies, medals, ribbons, honorable mentions, or free coupons have ever been given to the winner of a comparison game. Sorry. You only occasionally get a brief satisfaction blended with guilt, peppered throughout by constant jealousy and spite.
The game is intense and exhausting. You may scrutinize an individual for days, weeks, months, possibly even years before deciding that he or she is better than you, that you aren't half as good as they are at whatever it is that they do, that they rule and you drool, and that you never stood a chance.

Here's the BEAUTIFUL thing I want you to read over and over:
You do not have to be in competition with the people around you. 

Here's what that means to me...

To the girls with the 4.0 GPA...you are not my competition.
To the ladies who fit perfectly somewhere between too little and too big...you are not my competition.
To the women who have everything in life color coded, organized, highlighted, and written in 7 different colors of ink...as much as I admire that...you are not my competition.
To the young ladies who are barely 20 years old, in perfect relationships, engaged, or soon to be married...you are not my competition.
To the girls with the hair that looks absolutely, overwhelmingly perfect...even in a messy bun...you are not my competition.
To the women who have picturesque Pinterest apartments...you are not my competition.
To my dear friends who are more outgoing than I am and know how to charm and work a room with a ease...you are not my competition.
To the peer in my class that my professor seems to call on more than any other student...you are not my competition.
To my role models and people I look up to and admire for being seemingly perfect at everything they do...guess what....you are not my competition.

Life shouldn't be this constant competitive game. We should strive to do our best and in doing so put our best foot forward, but we shouldn't break our backs trying to win these mental games in our heads. I don't need to walk in a room and be the sole individual with the best grades, the best clothes, the cutest scarf, the most interesting major, the most chaotic week, the funniest story, the nicest manicure, etc. I don't need to walk into a room and feel horrible for not wearing matching socks or having my hair up in a messy bun and wearing sweatpants for the third night this week. I don't need to walk into class and begin to beat myself up because Susie got an A+ on her English assignment but I got a D-. I shouldn't re read Facebook statuses, Instagram posts, tweets, or blog posts over and over again dozens of times a piece LOOKING for mistakes in fear of making one and being thought less of by people who know me. I shouldn't think that I have to act one way around one group of people and act another way around another group just to get people to like me. Because guess what? 

It isn't a competition. 

Everyone is fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ps. 139:14)
We are loved unconditionally. (1 John 4:16)
We are children of the King. (Galatians 3:26)
We all have special talents and gifts that can be used for His glory. (1 Peter 4:10-11)
And this is true for all of us: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8)

So often I let jealousy, anger, bitterness, fear, pride, and spite cloud my judgment. I get lost in the land of if only, and I forget that often in my mind while playing round after round of the comparison game, I'm tearing my own brother or sister in Christ down in order to build myself up. It just isn't worth it. We're supposed to love one another and serve one another humbly so that we may become more like Christ. Where is there room for that in rounds of the comparison game?

So, I leave you with the challenge of forfeiting. Forfeit the game, call it quits, find a new game to play. Find ways you can compare yourself to your Creator instead of those around you, and challenge yourself to become more like Jesus instead of succumbing to your earthly ideas of ideals and unattainable perfection.

To Him....

Read This. Do it. 

http://stephaniemetaxas.blogspot.com/2015/02/dear-mr-right.html?spref=fb

Did you read it? Are you sure? Ok. 

Let me tell you a secret that I have shared with very few, and a story that I hope will inspire you like Stephanie's inspired me...

On December 29th, 2013 I wrote a letter to my future husband for the first time. (Let the record show, Megan Trainor's song didn't come out until 2014 so I was definitely doing this before a pop song put an idea into my head.) My favorite book series of all time is the Christy Miller series by Robin Jones Gunn and I probably read all twenty eight books in the series while I was in high school at least twice. My favorites I know I re read three or four times! The stories are about a young girl, Christy, accepting Christ as her Savior and learning what it meant to walk with Him throughout different seasons of life. In the books Christy wrote letter after letter to her future husband to let him know that she had started praying for him when she was in high school and that she thought and prayed for him often. I would definitely say that Robin Jones Gunn is the inspiration behind what I started doing. 

Right around Christmas of my senior year of high school I realized how important it was to me that I begin praying for the heart of my future husband. I began to pray that if my future husband wasn't a Christian yet that God would put Godly men and women in his life to lead him to Christ, that God would protect him and help him in times of tribulations, that God would work on both of our communication skills so we will one day work effectively as a team, that God continues to expose us to situations that test our understanding of others so that we may one day be understanding and patient towards each other, and so many other things. I began to write it all out one night in a hot pink gel pen and that's when the letters started...

Currently there are only six letters. This isn't something I do very often, and the letters aren't even very long. They're heartfelt and full of promises and prayers, but they aren't wordy or frequent. Up until this point I've been keeping these letters hidden under a box, in an envelope, folded up. I can think of only four or five people I've told, and up until this point I couldn't have even imagined sharing this with anyone else. But here's the thing, this doesn't have to be a secret. I'm excited about this and I'm more excited that there are other young women in my community, like Stephanie, who feel the importance for praying for their future spouses. Regardless of whatever the plan God has in store for me, I know he's the author of my story and I'm looking forward to seeing what's ahead.

Rain Rain Go Away....

This time of year is rough, and the rainy days make it harder. Today, was one of those days. I had a hard time getting motivated to get up and going this morning, and all day long I've been on edge. I had a hard time concentrating in Sunday School, I was stuttering and mumbling a lot, I was fidgety, I set my purse down and left it at church (with my wallet and Bible!) I was exceptionally jumpy, I set down my cell phone and forgot it at a restaurant, etc. etc. etc. 

(I found both my purse, wallet, and phone....just so you know.)

Before you roll your eyes and tell me to get over it; seasonal affective disorder is a real thing. I have it. I'm not lazy. I'm not depressed because I've lost meaning in my life. I'm not anxious because I don't pray enough or I'm not active enough or I worry too much.  If you disagree with me, that's your prerogative; but it's a real thing. Nothing frustrates me more than people telling me or other people that anxiety is a state of mind and all in your head. Or that depression is for lazy people who can't snap out of it. I'm sorry you don't understand it and feel like you have to attack it. I don't understand asthma and how it works, but I absolutely don't go around telling people it doesn't exist. You can't look at a person and judge whether or not they have asthma based off of how they look. You can't look at a person and tell if they have an anxiety/depression disorder either. Research is a wonderful thing, do some before you form opinions on things you know nothing about. Sorry if that comes across as harsh, I don't mean for it to. I just want to be abundantly clear.
I don't complain about it too often, but like I said some days are just a lot harder than others.

BUT here's what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for my mom who took me to breakfast, for my friends who made me laugh, for a friend who treated me to lunch for no reason (without even knowing I had a bad day!) for shopping adventures in the Dollar store, for puppy dog kisses when I come home, for a little brother I adore and admire so so much, for being able to jump in puddles and get messy and come in and change into warm clothes and drink hot tea. I'm thankful for my dad, for Super Bowl sunday, and for lots and lots of food to share with friends. I'm thankful for my pastors and sunday school teachers, and children saying funny things that make me laugh. I'm thankful for the ability to set goals and work hard towards accomplishing them. I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the hard days like today that make me appreciate what I have in life. My life isn't perfect. Guess what? That's perfectly okay. :) I love the life I'm living, and when I take a moment to think about all the beautiful things I have- even on a day when it's hard to keep my head above the water- I can't help but praise God for how absolutely wonderful He is.

End of Soapbox.

30 Day Music Challenge

Day 01- A song that makes you happy

"Wildfire" by John Mayer 

Day 02- A song that helps you clear your head

"Breakdown" by Jack Johnson
"The Wonderful Unknown" by Ingrid Michaelson

Day 03 - A song that makes you laugh

"Ticks" by Brad Paisley

Day 04 - A song that reminds you of something sad

"A Heartbreak" by Angus and Julia Stone

Day 05 - A song that has a new meaning to you every time you hear it

"The Weight of Lies" by The Avett Brothers

Day 06 - A song you can always relate to

"Follow Your Arrow" by Kacey Musgraves

Day 07 - A song that is your guilty pleasure

"Faith" by George Michael
"Rich Girl" by Hall and Oates
"Bennie and the Jets" by Elton John
"Jack and Dianne" by John Mellancamp
(I couldn't narrow that one down...)

Day 08 - A song you liked when you were younger

"Beautiful Soul" by Jesse McCartney....anything by Jesse McCartney

Day 09 - A song that makes you want to dance

"Danza Kuduro" by Don Omar 

"Bailando" by Enrique Iglesias 

"Title" by Meghan Trainor 

"Fireball" by Pitbull

Day 10 - A song that makes you cry

"There You'll Be" by Faith Hill

"More Time" NeedtoBreathe 

Day 11 - A song that reminds you of summer

"Hello You Beautiful Thing" by Jason Mraz

"Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepson 

Day 12 - A song that reminds you of your best friend

"Us" by Regina Spektor (because she played it all the time in her car when we were in high school)

Day 13 - A song you sing to in the shower

"Love Song" by Sara Barielles

Day 14 - A song you like hearing live

"Songs like This" by Carrie Underwood. (Hands down the best concert I've ever been to)

Day 15 - A song people wouldn’t expect you to like

"We don't eat" by James Vincent Morrow"Somethin' Stupid" by Frank Sinatra and Nancy Sinatra"Moondance" by Van Morrison

Day 16 - A song that holds a lot of meaning to you

"Rock of Ages" by Sandra McCracken"O love that will not let me go" by Indelible Grace

Day 17 - A song that annoys you

"What Does the Fox Say?" by...I don't even know...or care.

Day 18 - A song you have as your ringtone/want to be your ringtone

"Wordplay" by Jason Mraz was mine for a long time, but now it's a default

Day 19 - A song you’re currently obsessed with

"I know places" by Taylor Swift 

"Paper Doll" by John Mayer 

"I See Fire" (originally by Ed Sheeran, but I LOVE the Peter Hollen version) 

"Rainy Day Woman" by Kat Edmondson

Day 20 - A song from a new album you are waiting for to come out

"Dear Future Husband" by Meghan Trainor

Day 21 - A song you want to dance to at your wedding

"You are the best thing" by Ray LaMontague 

"You and I" by Ingrid Michaelson 

"Until You Came Along" by JJ Heller 

"Now That I've Found You" by Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed

Day 22 - A song that would be the theme song to a TV show about your life

"The Broken Beautiful" by Ellie Holcomb

Day 23 - A song that makes you angry

"Take Me to Church" by Hozier(Not angry so much as disappointed)

Day 24 - A cover song

"Apologize" by Kacey Musgraves 

"Use Somebody" by Laure Jansen 

"I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by Peter Hollens

Day 25 - An acoustic song you love

"Lost Stars" by Kierra Knightly 

"Billie Jean" by the Civil Wars 

"Rather Be" Jasmine Thompson 

"XO" by John Mayer

Day 26 - A song by your favorite band 

"Stones Under Rushing Water" by NeedtoBreathe

Day 27 - A song you make fun of

"It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls

Day 28 - A song that reminds you of your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other

"Stuck Like Glue" by Sugarland 

"Can't Stop Loving You" by Phil Collins 

"Friends" by Michael W. Smith

Day 29- A song currently stuck in your head

"Crazy Love" by Van Morrison...or Michael Buble"That's What's Up" by Lennon and Maisy

Day 30- A song that you haven’t listened to in awhile

"Move it Like this" by The Baha Men 

"Spiderwebs" by No Doubt 

"Umbrella" (Christ Mix) by Coffey Anderson