My Deepest Confession

This is who I am...

Well, it's what I look like anyway.

Brown hair. Brown eyes. Peachy Skin. I'm just an average person. I put my shoes on one foot at a time just like everyone else does...

I work with kids, and sometimes I do stupid stuff like this. It's fun though, so it doesn't matter all that much that there are a bunch of straws on my head...

I've gone most of my life and never thought I was anything special. I'm Melissa. I'm average, and that's ok. 

Not everyone can be extraordinary. If everyone was extraordinary then no one would be. You have to have the ordinary folks to set the incredible ones apart. 

For a while I tried really really hard for people to consider me to be something extra special. I've gone through seasons in life where I wanted so badly for people to like me that I would hurt myself or make myself really sick.

Eventually, I just stopped trying.

I would tell myself again and again that I just wasn't beautiful like other girls.

I told myself that again and again until I not only believed it but accepted it as a truth. 

Recently, I've had to change my outlook on this particular subject. 

Do you see these flowers? These flowers are very special to me. They were given to me as a gift from a little girl I babysit. 

Flowers Shmowers. Big Whoop. What does that have to do with anything?

I'm so glad you asked...

I look at the little girl who gave me those flowers, and I think about how beautiful she is. She's adorable on the outside with a little button nose and her little four year old features, but her thoughtfulness and kindness are oh so precious. 

I used to look up to my babysitters, teachers, and women in my life in general that I considered to be role models growing up and I thought they were the most beautiful people in the world.

How lucky was I? To be surrounded by such amazing, beautiful women who were also so wonderful and kind?

Yet, I've grown up and wholeheartedly believed that I'm not beautiful.

I entirely believed that no one could ever look at me with the eyes that I've looked at so many with. Eyes full of adoration and admiration.

That sweet little girl looked at me and said "These flowers are so pretty, just like you."

She changed my life and she'll probably never even know...

I work with kids all the time. I work with young ladies and closely with people my own age too. I don't ever want a single one of them to think they aren't beautiful. 

I want them to know that they are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that God loves them very much.

I want them to know that they can be proud of their accomplishments and do anything they dream that they can do.

I want them to know that even if they don't look like a Kardashian or a model, it's what's inside that counts.

I've always known those things. I've always told others those things, but I can't say I've ever believed them myself.

I'm incredibly sorry to the girls that I've been 'preaching' to about self-worth, but that all that time I didn't believe it applied to me...

...Thank you for reminding me of the gospel.

Thank you for showing me over and over again that the inside is what makes each of extraordinary.

Thank you to the sweet sweet angels in my life who have taught me how to love fiercely and to be passionate about all that I do.

Thank you to those who have taught me how to treat others...

...and for telling me again and again how special I was. Even when I didn't believe it.

Thank you to those who have taught me how to have a beautiful heart, and to those who have told me that I am beautiful on the outside...

I think I'm learning to finally believe you.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in it's time."

Loyalty

Hebrews 11:24-26 (NIV)

24 By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward.

^An example of how one man chose to forsake every comfort in his own life to focus on the plan God had for him. It couldn't have been easy. We are called to be loyal followers of Christ. (1Kings 2:3-4) And likewise, He is loyal to us. (Deuteronomy 7:9 Know that Yahweh your God is God, the faithful God who keeps His gracious covenant loyalty for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commands.)

Loyalty is not something that's easy to our flesh and our earthly mindsets. God knows this. He knows that we face trials and temptations every day where we have a choice to draw close to His word and His commandments or to turn and choose a different path. It's 2:30am, and I can't sleep at all because my mind is just reeling with His love for me and His grace.

2 Timothy 2:13 If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is.

Lamentations 3:22-24 We are still alive because the Lord’s faithful love never ends. Every morning he shows it in new ways! You are so very true and loyal! I say to myself, “The Lord is my God, and I trust him.”

Romans 8:35-39 Who will separate us from the Messiah’s love? Can trouble, distress, persecution, hunger, nakedness, danger, or a violent death do this? As it is written, “For your sake we are being put to death all day long. We are thought of as sheep headed for slaughter.” In all these things we are triumphantly victorious due to the one who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor anything above, nor anything below, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is ours in union with the Messiah Jesus, our Lord.

He has proven Himself to me time and time again, yet I often find myself turning away and choosing things that do not prove my loyal relationship to Him. This week I'm striving to be Loyal to Christ. I'm not sure what exactly that may entail, but I know it isn't going to always be an easy choice. I'm slowly learning though, sometimes love isn't a warm mushy feeling. Sometimes you just have to choose to love someone. Even when it doesn't make sense. Even when you're angry with them. You just have to love them.

Every day, Christ chooses to love me. He loves me in every millisecond of every moment. His love for me is loyal, unwavering, and unconditional. I can think of a hundred reasons for Him to not love me, and yet He stays. 

Words can not justify the feeling of peace. <3

If Christians Used Social Media Like We're Supposed To...

Scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll.....

Likes a cat video.

Scroll scroll scroll...

Oh, so-and-so got engaged. Cool. I haven't seen or talked to them in like six years, but that's cool for them.

Scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll...

Like a status with a bible verse on it.

Scroll scroll scroll...

Ew. Why does he post stuff like that? No one cares.

Scroll scroll...

Ugh. She's so fake. Where's the dislike button?

Scroll scroll scroll...

If I see one more stupid recipe video so help me...

Scroll....scroll...scroll...

gah! I hate politics....haha that cartoon was kind of funny though.

Scroll...scroll....................scroll.


I don't know about you but this is what social media has become for me. Mindless scrolling down of pages, mindlessly liking or unliking videos/photos/statuses, and growing increasingly angry and bitter at everyone for posting about their "perfect Pinterest lives."

I'm sorry I sound cynical. I'm sorry this isn't all rainbows and butterflies. When I started writing this post a few weeks ago I was writing it as a formal goodbye to social media. I'm tired of wasting time out of my day on the internet reading about someone's life how someone wants me to perceive their life, and spending time out of my day worried about how people perceive my life. I'm tired of political arguments. I'm tired of "Oh woe is me, I'm on my third season of *insert particular Netflix drama* because I have too much time on my hands." I'm tired of scandalous pictures and mind numbing articles about how you can "do THESE four things to make him love you forever!" I'm tired of the quizzes that use your favorite color to predict your five year plan, and I'm tired of politics. (Yes, I know I mentioned politics twice. On purpose.)

Social Media has become less about connecting with others and more about mind numbing escapes from our realities. I know this for a fact, because I am SOOO guilty of it! What's worse, do you know what else I'm guilty of? I'm guilty of being "friends" with people that I either A) don't know very well in real life or B) get along with very well in real life and I get MAD at them on social media. I do! I know that's ridiculous. I'm not proud of it!!! I'm simply stating that I struggle with keeping my emotions in check sometimes. I look at posts from someone I don't know very well, let's say someone I had a class with once my freshman year of high school, and I find myself rolling my eyes and saying to myself "there's no way her life is actually life that." or "wow. I can't believe he just did THAT." I find myself judging and being jealous. I look at posts of people that I just don't get along with in real life and feel a red hot bubble swelling up from somewhere really deep down that I'm ashamed exists in my heart.

Everyone I've talked to says that they feel this way sometimes too. I think it's just a part of what makes us human.

So, with that being said, let's go back to my original intention for this little post. Farewell Facebook! Peace out Pinterest! Hasta la Vista Instagram! Toodle-loo Twitter! I'm done!!! It would make sense, wouldn't it? I'm tired of it, so I'm letting it go.

But I started thinking...it's a dangerous thing to do sometimes, but I thought nonetheless.

How many of my Facebook friends aren't Christians?
How many non christian friends see bible verses that I pin on Pinterest?
How many followers do I have on Instagram and Twitter that see my posts about joy that comes from the Lord who may never be exposed to it from others?

There's an alarming amount.

So I took a step back and reevaluated.

There's no reason for me to cut out social media and stop it cold turkey. There are a dozen or so reasons that I would like to, but there's no reason to do it just yet. Because here's the thing: what would happen if I let God into every aspect of my life, even my social media, and allowed Him to take charge of spreading His love for others through me? What would happen if I spent less time complaining? Less time passive-aggressively posting about he-said she-said drama? Less time posting things that take away from God's glory, and more time focusing on things that point others to Him? Do you think others would notice? I think they might!

I write this post as a challenge to myself, but to other christian friends in my circle as well. If Jesus was your friend on Facebook or a follower of your Instagram account with whom you could interact, would you still post the things you post and say the things you say? If I'm being honest I would reevaluate a lot of the things I had going on. If you're a normal human being, you probably would too. This week may we be challenged to use every aspect of our lives to glorify Christ. Even the seemingly meaningless social media. You never know what's going to effect somebody.

*Disclaimer! I'm not saying that christians currently aren't using social media outlets to spread the good news. I'm simply calling attention to the fact that we might not realize the limitless opportunities we have before us.

Nobody Wants It

Have you ever had the type of dream where you wake up and you feel like the earth is spinning too quickly? You look around your dark bedroom and you feel like you’ve just had an out of body experience on an outlandish adventure, and you can’t quite believe that what you just felt in the dream didn’t happen in real life. Sometimes the dreams are pleasant- maybe you flew across the world in a day and saw the seven wonders that took your breath away. Sometimes the dreams are dark- maybe you just spent the last three days being chased by a bug-eyed mad man with a knife and a foot fetish…

Regardless of what the dream entailed specifically; you wake up and something just doesn’t feel right. Most people calmly get up and get a glass of water, or take a few deep breaths and go right back to sleep. These types of dreams and those types of heart pounding feelings only happen occasionally after all. For me, these feelings happen all the time. It doesn’t matter if I’m awake or sleeping. I constantly feel like the world is spinning a little too quickly and like I can’t get a grip on what’s happening. It’s been like this for my entire life. My heart is a wild horse galloping aimlessly through an open field with no plans of stopping. It just runs faster and faster no matter what. I can’t control it.

This of course causes the adrenaline to race through my veins and into every inch of my body. I can feel it spreading as my pulse gets even quicker, my skin becomes greasy and slick, my fingers tremble, and knees become nothing but contorted muscles that use to be. My breath comes quickly, but try as I might I cannot under any circumstances seem to catch it. It’s like trying to catch every raindrop falling from the sky on a stormy day into one bucket- hopeless and completely impossible.

            Having anxiety is like having a large rock tied around your waist by a string. Most of the time that rock weighs you down and makes you feel like you’re drowning. Your lungs burn; your head starts pounding, and you thrash around in frantic attempts to save your own life from a situation that may not be real. Other times it simply sits there keeping you anchored to real life. Your thoughts are cautious, every possibility is carefully combed over, and every action is well thought out. Regardless of its implications, it’s a nuisance and not something anyone would voluntarily want to live with.

It's a nuisance and not something anyone would voluntarily want to live with.

 Can I reiterate that? Great. Thanks. One more time...I want to make sure you understand.

No one who genuinely has anxiety wants to live with it. 

So here's an idea: Don't ever assume someone is "faking it" for attention. Someone accused me of faking it several years ago, and it took me a really really long time to get over. I was at a youth conference my senior year of high school and was sitting in the middle of the row between a dozen or so people. I was sitting there listening to some speaker begin his sermon and my hands started to get really clammy. My ears started ringing. My head was pounding. My heart felt like the viral video of the gorilla at the zoo pounding on the glass over and over again. I looked around and knew I needed to leave before it got worse. I was afraid that if I moved then everyone on my row would think something was wrong with me. I was afraid that all the people sitting behind me would be aggravated that I was blocking their view for the twenty seconds that it took for me to leave. I was angry with myself for feeling so lousy and anxious in the middle of a youth conference for Pete’s sake! So I sat and tapped my fingers and felt my legs shaking. I couldn’t hear a word the man was saying, and the only thing I could think about was how badly I needed some fresh air before my head imploded. I leaned over to one of our chaperones and told them that I was having an anxiety attack and needed to step outside. This individual asked me incredulously if I was serious, and when I made it outside they told me I was being ridiculous.

Duh.

Dude. I know that.

I KNOW that.

I know I’m being ridiculous. I know you can’t possibly understand me because I don’t understand me! I know that leaving a quiet, safe place to come outside in a hyperventilating mess of tears over nothing at all doesn’t make sense to you! I KNOW it doesn’t because I can’t even comprehend it myself.

So yeah. I’m being ridiculous. Thank you very much for your mighty words of wisdom. 

Now of course, in this person’s defense. They didn’t know any better. They kind of just assumed the whole “tough love thing” is how lifelong issues were resolved and taken care of. Fair enough. And yeah, a 17 year old girl standing with her arms folded and a scowl on her face for no apparent reason? If I didn’t know better I would assume she was messing with me too and trying to get out of sitting in a crowded room for longer than necessary. So I get it. Honest mistake. Slip of the tongue. It happens.

This particular situation and ones that happened before and after came up again. And again. And someone eventually asked me why I felt like I needed to pretend to have anxiety to obtain attention from others. I haven’t ever been physically punched in the gut by another human being before, but if I had to imagine the feeling that moment when I was asked that question would have been it. I was caught off guard. I felt utter disbelief combined with overwhelming hurt and embarrassment. The wind caught in my throat. Tears gathered in my eyes, words choked and lost somewhere in my brain. I sat there with my jaw slack and fingers trembling.

If people thought I was doing it for attention and anxiety was just a made up mental illness then there’s something wrong with me. There’s something wrong with me. There’s something wrong with me. There’s something wrong with me. Anxiety is made up. Anxiety isn’t real. Something in my brain just makes me think that’s something wrong with me so I make it up and pretend it’s anxiety. But now my anxiety is a burden on people around me. Now my anxiety is something made up that people around me think that I don’t actually have. People think I’m weird and crazy. Anxiety doesn’t exist, it’s in my head. Something’s wrong with me.

Awesome…

I walked around for a long time after that and just assumed I couldn’t talk to anybody about what was bothering me, because I would assume that they wouldn’t believe me.  My anxiety got worse and worse. Each attack more physiological than the last, and ultimately one particular panic attack landed me in an ER last summer.

Nobody. Wants. To. Live. Like. That.

Nobody wants to live life feeling like they’re trapped in an airtight room with hundreds of people and no one to talk to. Nobody wants to “fake it till they make it” 100% of the time. Nobody wants to pretend that something they have that affects their lives everyday doesn’t actually exist at all. It’s like knowing you have a broken ankle, but walking around all-day and pretending like it doesn’t hurt you at all. You may be limping and in dire pain, but you aren’t going to bother anyone by asking for painkillers or a trip to the doctor to get it checked out. That would be ridiculous.

I write this post to remind you of the importance of mental illness awareness. Educate yourself. Learn as much as you can about something that so many people live with. NAMI reports that One in four adults−approximately 61.5 million Americans−experiences mental illness in a given year. Approximately 20 percent of youth ages 13 to 18 experience severe mental disorders in a given year. For ages 8 to 15, the estimate is 13 percent. Approximately 18.1 percent of American adults−about 42 million people−live with anxiety disorders, such as panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), generalized anxiety disorder and phobias. The statistics are overwhelming. You can’t ignore it. So I’m begging you, if you’ve read this far down and I still have your attention will you just please please PLEASE make it a goal in your own life this week to become more understanding of the things you don’t 100% know about?  Everyone makes mistakes. You've probably in your life at some point or another said something to somebody who struggles anxiety or depression, or any invisible illness for that matter, and said something that really hurt their feelings. Ok. But do something about it so it doesn't happen to somebody else again. 

What Olive Garden, Toilets, and Jesus Have in Common

Today I heard a story at church that I absolutely loved!!

It was about a 3 year old little boy who decided that he was hot stuff and could use the bathroom all by himself one day. He went in, locked the door, took care of business, and went to the door to go back to play...but couldn't get the door unlocked. The little boy panicked and began screaming and banging on the door. His mother ran up the stairs and kept asking him if he was ok. She was trying to determine if had fallen and gotten hurt, or if he was just scared. The boy's father had run down the stairs to the garage to get the ladder. He put it on the side of the house, pried open the bathroom window, hopped in, and walked across the room to unlock the door. The little boy immediately stopped crying and ran off to play.

I giggled when I heard my pastor telling the story, but then I remembered a similar thing happened to me. Unfortunately, I was much older than three; which makes my story far more embarrassing. But for the sake of making a point, I decided to share. 

We were at Olive Garden with our family and I went to the restroom while my parents were taking care of the check. Just like the little boy, I took care of business and went to unlock the door but absolutely could not figure it out. To lock the door in this particular stall you had to turn it horizontal rather than vertical, and you had to pull the door towards you instead of pushing it. I'm not sure what happened in my little *cough cough ten cough cough* year old brain, but I lost my mind for a minute. I fidgeted with the lock a few times, I jiggled the handle, and I remember pushing and pulling on the door to no avail. I can totally empathize with the little boy. It was scary. I know it was irrational, but I was terrified. I started pounding on the bathroom stall and yelling for my mom. I was getting claustrophobic, and I was super worried about what would have to happen to get the door open. 

"Would I have to pay for it if it got kicked down? Would people make fun of me for getting stuck in an Olive Garden bathroom? What it they can't get me out for several hours? What if my parents forget I'm in here? What if I have to stay here and they have to shove alfredo noodles through the little crack to keep me alive so I don't starve to death?" Ok, maybe not that last one...but you get the idea.

 Picture this for a minute...

This. This is my 5th grade yearbook picture. Can you imagine this awkward 10 year old girl knocking on the door of a stall at an Olive Garden? Screaming and yelling for help in a moment of panic because for whatever reason she couldn't open the stall door...it's okay. You can laugh. I definitely did.

About a minute into my freaking-out fest, my mother came into the bathroom and talked me down off my ledge of Total Toilet Terror.  About thirty seconds later I calmly opened the door, apologized to the lady who had been in the stall next to  me, washed my hands, and walked to the car. I don't even think we mentioned what had happened to dad or brother. I was probably only in the bathroom for seven or eight minutes total, but it felt like forever.

The purpose of my pastor telling the story of the little boy in his sermon today was to make a point that sometimes God acts like the earthly father in that story. Sometimes He hears us crying out and He runs in to open the door. Other times He climbs into that room with us and tells us to just sit with Him. When one considers my similar situation, I think an additional point can be made.

Let's be real: If you're in a public bathroom and you hear a kid completely losing her wits over being "trapped" in the bathroom stall adjacent to yours; you would definitely judge her a little bit. At the very least, you would go home and call your mother or your BFF and laugh about how silly the girl was. The parents in the story didn't laugh at the little boy or make fun of him. They were relieved that he was no longer upset. My mother in this story has never made fun of me for being stuck in the bathroom either. She gave me a hug when we got home and told me that she would never leave me stuck anywhere. She may have also said something about how I should know that by now. I was about *cough cough ten cough cough* years old after all. She had never left me anywhere, why would she leave me trapped in a toilet stall of all places?

God does the same thing. He takes our irrational fears, but doesn't judge us for them. He allows us space to freak out if we choose to, but He's right there when we cry out to Him. He's there to comfort us after we get upset, and He whispers "Don't you know I'm not ever going to leave you?"

Don't you know I'm not ever going to leave you?

Melissa, I'm not ever going to leave you.

 ___(insert your name here)___, I'm not ever going to leave you.

^That's powerful stuff.

I can honestly say that I haven't been stuck in any other physical bathrooms or bathroom stalls other than that one time in Olive Garden. Thank Goodness. But I've been in some pretty dark places. I've been in places where I was up late night crying and asking God to get me out of situations and circumstances I was going through. I think we all have, and that's ok. Maybe he came in and opened the door, or maybe He just held us for a little while until we calmed down and told us how to open the door on our own. Regardless, He took care of us. It may seem like our circumstances last forever. We may feel like the walls are closing in on us and there's no way we can possibly survive what's going on around us, but He remains our constant during turmoil. 

For that, I am thankful.

It's Not Love Any Other Way

January 1st 2016.

Well, it's official! Happy New Year! Hopefully by now the leftovers have been eaten, the twisty ties from the barbie packages are all finally trashed, the foot injuries from stepping on legos have begun to heal, and 104.5 has started to play something other than the same 14 songs again and again. ;)

This morning I read a devotional from Jesus Calling that I thought was really awesome, and I wanted to share some thoughts about it.

"Come to Me with a teachable spirit, eager to be changed. A close walk with Me is a life of continual newness. Do not cling to old ways as you step into a new year. Instead, seek my face with an open mind, knowing that your journey with me involves being transformed by the renewing of your mind. As you focus your thoughts on Me, be aware that I am fully attentive to you. I see you with steady eye, because my attention span is infinite. I know and understand you completely; my thoughts embrace you in everlasting love. I also know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper you and give you hope and a future. Give yours;f fully to this adventure of increasing attentiveness to My Presence."

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"Come to me...eager to be changed." Eager to be changed. Eager? For Change? HA! If there's one thing anybody knows about me is that I can't stand change. I have routines. I have procedures. Things are done a certain way, or they aren't done at all. If and when things do change, I better have a very large heads up. Unless it's in the form of some quarters so I can get a diet coke from a vending machine: Change and I are not friends.

Yet, here's this devotional and the first thing I read for the new year is telling me to be eager for change. And the second sentence is telling me that being a christian means experiencing continual newness. Continual. Repeated. Changes. For me, change can be terrifying. Change means that I may not be in control. Change means that I may have to undergo pain to yield a specified result. Change means that I may be uncomfortable. Change means that I may not have a clue what's going on. Change can be hard, and I can list a dozen other reasons why it scares me so much, but it can also be beautiful. I once was not a believer in Christ. God came in, changed my heart, and brought me from death to life. In my life, that's the most beautiful change that has ever been. For a long time, I harbored a very bitter grudge against someone who really hurt me. Over a period of time, my attitude changed and I began to forgive that person. At one point in my life I would panic and make myself sick over presenting projects to my second or third grade class. Now I sing solos on stage at church. 

The second part of this devotional talks about how focusing our thoughts on God should encourage us because we should remember how attentive He is to our needs. His love is everlasting, His understanding is infinite. He knew us before we were born, and He knows each of us in the most loving and intimate ways. Thus, He knows how we're going to turn out. He knows what's going to happen to us next Tuesday, next year, on our 79th birthday. He's already planned it, and He already knows. He wants to change our hearts so that we can continue to grow and understand how vast His love for His children really is. No, it isn't always easy. Being hurt by someone in my life wasn't easy, but the lesson God gave me in humility and forgiveness is one that I will never forget. Dealing with anxiety for a greater portion of my life has not been easy, but the patience and peace God has graciously given to me time and time again have made me a stronger person. 

There's a video I'm suddenly remembering that one of the members of my favorite christian bands released several years ago. He talks about how in the series of the Chronicles of Narnia a little boy was turned into a dragon, and he went up to Aslan the Lion and told him he didn't want to be a dragon anymore. Aslan told him that in order to become a little boy again he would have to rip off the scales and dragon skin with his paws. As Aslan was scraping off all of the skin the boy was screaming out in pain. It hurt. But the pain is what changed the boy into who he ultimately wanted to be. 

So, maybe I do actually want to be eager for change. I'm eager to see what God will accomplish through me this year. I'm eager to see how I can better become of woman of God. I'm eager to see how old friendships will change and how new ones will develop. I'm eager to see a change in my heart that draws me even closer to my Creator. 

Here's to 2016. May it be full of changes in my heart, and may I end the year a kinder and more positive person because of the changes that were made. May I make the necessary changes in my life to provide for more opportunities to be bold and share the love of Christ with those around me, and may I continuously change my perspective to appreciate the trials and tribulations that I will undoubtedly go through. 

Mary, Did You Know?

Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?

Mary did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?

Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?

This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you.

Mary did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?

Mary did you know that your baby boy will calm the storm with his hand?

Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?

And when you kiss your little baby, you kissed the face of God.

The blind will see, the deaf will hear, the dead will live again.

The lamb will leap, the dove will speak, the praises of the lamb.

Mary did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?

Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?

Did you know that your baby boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?

That sleeping child you're holding is the great I am

This is my all time favorite Christmas song. I love this version; the harmonies, the dissonance, the simplicity of the music video, the facial expressions, the rawness of the acapella rendition, the candles, all of it. I tear up every single time I listen to it. But even more important than all of those things, I love the lyrics.

Can you imagine meeting Mary today? Go to the land of "What If" for a moment and just make-believe with me. Imagine that Jesus had past away about 15 years ago. Mary had Jesus when she was a teenager, he died thirty three years later, and about fifteen years after that I would assume that Mary would be in her early/mid sixties. 

Pretend you're walking with Mary in a local marketplace. It's hot, the two of you have been shopping for a variety of fruits and vegetables for a dinner at church the following evening, but you stopped at the well in the middle of the marketplace for a drink of water. Mary hands you her pot that she had been patiently carrying on her back all morning and asks you fill it for her. She walks over to a shady spot under the tree and closes her eyes to rest for a few moments from the long day of shopping. You watch as strands of her grey hair shake loose from the wind and begin to peek out from under the scarf wrapped around her head. She has a forever smile that plays on the edges of her lips, regardless of what she seems to be talking about. She's just the kind of woman who is constantly filled with joy. You only met her a day or two ago when you were passing through town when you were visiting a local church, but when she overheard you asking another local if she knew of any places in the area you could stay for the night she eagerly stepped up and offered you the extra bed she had in her home. 

You walk over towards her with the water, she opens her eyes, and thanks you continuously for filling it for her. She takes a few sips and then offers it to you. As you sip the cold water you feel it slide down your dry throat and practically spread to every inch of your hot, tired body. The two of you sit under the shade tree watching the children play a game with some rocks a few feet away. After about fifteen minutes of sitting quietly, you get the guts to ask her. 

"Mary, may I ask you a question?" 

She smiles "Sure, go ahead." 

You clear your throat. Even after drinking the water, it suddenly feels very dry again and you start to get nervous. "When you held the baby in your arms in the stable so many years ago, did you have any idea as to the great things He would do?" 

With her eyes, she gives you a deeper and kinder smile that teases you for more information. "Like what?" 

"Well...did you have any inclination that He would perform inconceivable miracles like giving sight to the blind, walking on water, or raising the dead back to life? Did you know that that little, helpless infant would grow up to be a man who would literally carry the weight of the world on his shoulders and die so that sinners could one day live with him in paradise? Did you have any idea?" 

She takes a long sip of her water, sits back, and looks pensively at the same children who were now chasing each other in circles. You hold your breath, worried you've asked a question that she might think is too personal. When she finally speaks, you release a sigh of relief and listen intently. 

"I had no idea." Her eyes close as she remembers the night from so many years ago. "I was such a young girl when he was born. And honestly? I was afraid. Here I was, with my husband and surrounded by animals in a stable, and strangers slowly trickling in to worship to this infant King that I had just given life to. I had no idea what would happen next. I was worried that I wouldn't be a good mother, or at least not one worth raising the Savior of the entire world." Her eyes welled up with tears. "But God provided. He provided a peace for my anxieties, and He always provided a way to care for our sweet little family...No sweet friend, I had no idea of the things the Son of God would do in the lifetime He was given here on earth. I knew He would do great things, but I never imagined." 

Her eyes welled up with tears as she smiled and lifted her head up to the sun that was glowing down on us from the sky. I reached out and touched her hand, and she turned her head and smiled yet again. 

"I miss him," she whispered, "but I know I get to see my little boy again in heaven one day because he provided a way for me to be forgiven for my sins and live in paradise forever."