To the Christian Graduating High School...

To the Christian graduating high school...

Here's the truth. It's not sugarcoated, and I hope it helps prepare you for what's to come. I know the future seems scary and you don't think you'll be able to do it, but you're stronger and braver than you think. You can do this. The real world isn't so bad, but you need to know that preparing for this thing called "adulthood" is hard. Like, really hard. But it's doable. ;) Look around you. People survive their teenage years and college years all the time. You're going to be fine.








I grew up in the Bible Belt. I didn't attend church super regularly as a kid, but I went enough to know basic Bible stories (Moses, Noah, Jesus, Abraham, etc) I found an amazing church home in my teen years. I gave my life to Christ right before my freshman year of high school and didn't look back. I was a good teenager- I didn't party. I didn't try drugs. I didn't drink alcohol. I didn't sneak out. I didn't do things I wasn't supposed to do because A) I had zero desire to do so and B) I knew that Christians weren't supposed to do those things.

People in my life (christians and non-christians alike) emphasized the importance of keeping good company and not falling in love with worldly things, so I tried my absolute best to listen to their instructions/words of warning. People I associated with in high school were, for the most part, all Christians. I was the president of C.L.I.C.K my freshman year of high school. I was involved with other christian extracurriculars the other three years of high school. I regularly met with kids before school and prayed for our school/community. In addition to that, any time I spent outside of school was generally spent with Christian friends from church either at church or somewhere in my very small rural/suburban community. Being a Christian was kind of easy. I never had a desire to do anything that I "wasn't supposed to do" and the people I hung out with never did either. Sure, I struggled with things that everyone struggles with. I gossiped, I lied, I cheated: I'm not claiming to be perfect. I had sin in my life just like everyone else does. I'm trying to say that being a Christian in high school wasn't as hard as being a Christian in college. I never really had to miss out on anything in High School.

Let's fast forward to where I am today.

(Almost) 21 years old. (Almost) Finished with my junior year at the University of Memphis.

Being a Christian in a college setting is the single most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life. (For those of you that know any backstory about my medical history/battles with mental illness you know that this is a very bold statement.)

Not everyone in college grew up in the Bible Belt.

Not everyone in college grew up in a suburban neighborhood with a church on every street corner.

Not everyone in college believes in God.

Not everyone in college is capable of respecting those that DO believe in God.

I always heard the verse "Pray for those who persecute you..." sitting in Sunday school classes or small groups. I heard lesson after lesson of how to avoid peer pressure and glorify Christ. I heard what my youth leaders were saying, but I couldn't really apply it to my life until after I graduated high school.

You don't really understand it until one of your friends looks at you and says "I'm done with this church thing. It's just a bunch of naive idiots looking to an invisible magician in the sky to  make life seem a little less dreary." or a professor opens a class on the first day by saying "There are two types of people in this world I can't stand: homosexuals and people who believe in God."

You don't really understand the verse "Pray for those who persecute you..." until you tell a peer or someone you see on campus that you'll be praying for them and they look at you and laugh; telling you that you're a dumb*** who clings to traditionalism and refuses to embrace modern day science and evidence against any type of organized religion...in front of a dozen or so classmates.

You don't really understand those high school youth group lessons about peer pressure until suddenly you're put in a situation where several of your Christian friends are of an acceptable societal age to drink alcohol and are telling you to take a few beers or down several glasses of wine because it really isn't a big deal.

College is very different than high school.

When someone asks you what you do for fun and you say that you spend a lot of time at your church hanging out with your Sunday school class and singing in the choir, they give you a funny look and call you boring.

When someone sees you reading your Bible out in public or watching videos of sermons from John Piper or Francis Chan they ask you why you would ever spend your free time doing something like that. They roll their eyes and tell you to keep your religion to yourself.

When people around you are arguing about politics and inequality, and they stop  to ask you how you can believe in a God who allows such injustices and violence in our world, they yell at you and call you names for giving them any type of answer that isn't "I don't believe in a god."

When the people around you begin to discuss their sex lives and look at you incredulously with disbelief when you say "I'm saving myself for my future husband" in a response to the ever popular question "When was YOUR first time?"

Again, college is very different than high school.

I can't tell you how many times in the last three years I've struggled to hold tightly to the word of God.  My close Christian friends that I had in high school moved away or decided that the whole "church thing" wasn't for them. A lot of "Christian friends" I started off with in college did a whole lot of drinking, a whole lot of 'sleeping' and a whole lot of things that were not encouraging to me or glorifying to Christ. I've lost several friends over the course of my college career.

Don't get me wrong. I'm complaining some, but I'm also very thankful for these trials that I have been faced with. I've lost friends, but I've grown closer to the ones who have stuck around. I've lost friends, but I've also learned how to befriend those who do have different beliefs than me. I've learned how to be a better listener. I've learned how to show others proper respect. I've learned a ton about other religions and cultures and places and all sorts of things. I've learned how to stand up for what I believe in. I've learned how to pick my battles and how to respectfully disagree with someone if I need to. I've grown extremely close to the people I go to church with (all ages and all types of people) and I've been really blessed by some amazing mentors in my life. College has taught me a TON and for that I am thankful. Above all, I would say that college has forced me to become extremely dependent on the Lord. I am definitely closer to Christ than i ever was in high school, and at the time I didn't ever think that would be possible.

All this being said, I want you to know it's going to be okay.

You're going to mess up. You're going to make mistakes. You're going to question your faith and wonder if it's all worth it. You'll feel guilty for wondering those types of things and then you'll feel even worse. You might try smoking. You might get drunk. You might flunk a class. You might ____ (fill in the blank with something you swore you wouldn't ever do.) You aren't going to be perfect. You're going to face some challenges and be in situations sometimes that are just beyond your control. Welcome to adulthood. :/ It kind of stinks sometimes.

But you aren't alone.

My advice? Find a group of people who will hold you accountable and encourage you in your walk with Christ. (Note that I didn't say "find christian friends." They aren't always the same thing.) Spend time in the word and fill your heart and mind with as much of God's Truth as you can. Make a playlist of praise music that really encourages you. Read books and articles from Christians who want to pass on knowledge that they've gained over the years. Prepare yourself, and be prepared to know that not everybody in this world is going to think like you and believe in the same things that you do. That's what makes this world such a beautiful place. Embrace it, pray for those that need your prayers, and get ready to tackle this thing called "adulting." It's kind of sucktastic sometimes, but they say it gets harder form this point on and that these are the best years of our life. Guess that means we better find out a way to enjoy it while we can, right?

You aren't alone. Remember that I'm here for you and that I love you, but we serve a God who's here for you and loves you so much more. He will never leave you or forsake you (Deut. 31:6) he has a plan for your life (Jer. 29:11) and His mercies are new every morning (Lam. 3:22-23)

Take a deep breath. Enjoy this season of life and be excited for what the future holds! You're going to be fine.

Lament

I'm Mary and I'm Martha all at the same time;

I'm sitting at His feet and yet I'm dying to be recognized.

I am a picture of contentment and I'm dissatisfied.

Why is it easy to work and hard to rest sometimes?

I'm restless, and I rustle like a thousand tall trees;

I'm twisting and I'm turning in an endless daydream.

You wrestle me at night and I wake in search of You...

but try as I might, I just can't catch You

But I want to, because I need You, yes, I need You

I can't catch You, but I want to.

How long, how long until I'm home?

I'm so tired, so tired of running

How long until You come for me?

I'm so tired, so tired of running

How long, how long until I'm home?

I'm so tired, so tired of running

How long until You come for me?

I'm so tired, so tired of running

I'm so tired, so tired of running

I'm so tired, so tired of running

The Foxes in the Vineyard

If you know me at all, you know music means a lot to me. (If you don't know me...music means a lot to me. Now you know.) I listen to a little bit of everything, and there really isn't much I would say I don't like. (Except maybe polka music. I haven't found a polka song that I'm particularly fond of yet.)  Every once in a while I stumble upon something that I think is catchy and I'll play it on repeat for a little while. Recently, I was on an Audrey Assad kick because we sang one of her songs at church a few months ago that I really liked. I had a playlist all set up, and I spent several days listening to Audrey on repeat. Her voice is beautiful, and I was particularly fond of her versions of a few traditional hymns. There was this one song that came up a few times that I thought was really pretty, but it took three or four times of me listening to it for the lyrics to sink in. I assume that you probably haven't heard the song since it isn't very well known, so take a moment to let the lyrics sink in before you go any further...

"I put all my hope in the truth of Your promise, And I steady my heart on the ground of Your goodness. When I’m bowed down with sorrow, I will lift up Your name! And the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy Because You are good to me, good to me...I lift up my eyes to the hills where my help is found. Your voice fills the night – raise my head up to hear the sound! Though fires burn all around me I will praise You, my God! And the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joyBecause You are good to me, good to me...Your goodness and mercy shall follow meAll my lifeI will trust in Your promise"

I listened to it several times before I googled the phrase "foxes in the vineyard" to see it's significance. I stumbled upon an article from Living Proof Ministries. You can read it here. (Seriously. Go read it. It's pretty short. I'll wait here. I promise I'll still be here when you get back.)
______________________________________________________

Words would fail me if I tried to put it more eloquently than the article that you just read. The image of foxes in a vineyard sneaking in after dark to ruin all of the hard work people put into it during the day is so powerful to me. I can't tell you how many times my life has been full of lots of little foxes. And what's worse? I think sometimes I have been guilty of knowingly letting them into my 'vineyard.' 

As Christians we strive to glorify God in all that we do. Our 'vineyards' are full of pruning out wickedness, malice, deceit, poor choices, and anything else that is not of God. I don't know about you, but it's just not always easy...

Imagine you're outside. It's a ridiculous hot day, but you're out there anyway and you're sweating. The thermometer says 86 degrees but the humidity makes it feel like 96.

The sun is shining down relentlessly as you pull weeds from the garden in your front yard. You aren't doing it because you want to, but because you know that if you don't then the stupid things are going to take over your entire front yard. You pick and pull; sweat and gripe; groan and complain about a few dumb weeds. The day goes on. You take a couple of lemonade breaks, but other than that you spend your entire day making sure that your yard looks as beautiful as you can possibly make it. You put down new top soil, you plant new flowers, you trim the bushes, you clean the mailbox, etc.

Finally, as the day ends, you look around and are very pleased with how everything looks. So, you gather up your shovels. You pick up the empty bags that were once full of foul smelling mulch, discard the empty boxes that once held your newly planted peonies, and you turn to walk towards the house where a hot shower and a cozy bed are waiting for you. As you're taking tired steps towards the door to your house, a noise catches your attention. You look back and not too far in the distance across the way, you can see your neighbors having a party outside with some other friends. They see you looking towards them and smile and wave. One calls out..."Hey! Your yard looks great! Did you spend the entire day on it?!!?"

"Thank you! Not the whole day, but most of it. I've been trying to work on it just a little bit at a time for the last few months. I think it's done now."

"That's awesome! Hey, how 'bout we treat you to dinner tonight? You let us come over there and hang out, and we'll grill up a couple of steaks!"

You stop and think about it. Steak is your favorite...but you're also worried that if you let a bunch of people come over and hang out, then maybe they'll step on your new peonies. Or what if someone decides to play horseshoes and uses your tomato plant stalks as the stake? Oh...why not? I mean, not all of your neighbors parties end up in giant messes. They've gotten themselves into trouble a few times, but not every single time...You look over at your neighbor's yard. It isn't that big of a mess. The lawn hasn't been mowed in several months, but the grass is dead so you can't even tell. The flower beds are just large patches of dandelions and decaying leaves, but there aren't any flowers trying to pop up there anyway so that probably doesn't even matter. You look under the big oak tree standing guard over your neighbor's yard. There's a few empty cans and bottles, but surely they would know not to leave trash in someone else's yard. Right? So you finally reply- "Sure. That sounds great! How nice of ya'll! Make yourself at home. I'll be out in a few minutes."

You go inside and take a long, hot shower and change into a fresh pair of shorts and your favorite tank top. You grab a coke from the fridge and step outside.

Your breath catches in your throat. In a span of a mere fifteen to twenty minutes everything has been destroyed. 

You watch in horror as your peonies are being trampled by two guys throwing a frisbee back and forth.

Your neighbor brought her dog over and he's burying bones in the new mulch you've laid out.

A few kids have shown up and are playing hide and go seek in the vegetable garden. They lean on the tomato plants and hide under the leaves of your zucchini- bending the leaves and pushing over the stalks.

Your neighbor brought her own grill and rolled it through a pile of mud on the way, tracking mud and grime all over your clean driveway.

All your hard work...destroyed in a matter of minutes. 

Now, hopefully you can't relate too closely to this story. It's a bit extreme if I may say so myself, but I hope you get the idea in your head a little better. Sometimes in life we work really hard, we put forth all the effort we should and we genuinely strive to honor God. (If it's genuine, this isn't a bad thing.) And then as we become tired and we look around at worldly things, we think to ourselves "Gosh...wouldn't it be easier if I just did _____" 

• Wouldn't it be easier if I just slept in next Sunday morning? I wouldn't have to go to bed so early tonight and I could get some more stuff done...

• Wouldn't it be easier if I just didn't go to bible study for a few weeks? I could finally make time and go to the gym...or to the new Chinese Buffett...or something. (It's cool, I'm not judging. You can go to the gym the week after you try the sushi roll.)

• Wouldn't it be easier if I hung out with my non christian friends for a while? I'm supposed to disciple others, right? Now I have friends that do fun stuff and I get to show them how I'm a christian. Win-win! Right?

• Wouldn't it be easier if I went to that party and drank a little bit? I mean, I don't want people to think I'm stuck up. I'm not prudish. I can be fun.

• Wouldn't it be easier if I watched that show everyone is talking about? Yeah, they cuss a lot. But it's not like I haven't heard those words before. No big deal. I could always be watching something worse, right? What's the big deal?

• Wouldn't it be easier if I just told everyone I was ok? No one wants to hear me talk about how I'm struggling...

• Wouldn't it be easier if I just kept pretending like I had it all together? No one wants to hang out with someone who can't keep it together...

• Wouldn't it be easier if____________.

Fill in the blank. Foxes aren't always obvious, but they come around all the time. They sneak into our lives when "life" happens. For me, I think the little foxes in my life are powered by fears of rejection and failure. I stress out about tests and presentations, so my foxes burrow their way into my anxiety ridden heart. I get concerned over what people think about me and I get angry when I think the talk is negative, so the foxes chew on my courage and every ounce of self esteem that I have until they have broken down fences and covered my soul in cynicism and bitterness.

"Jealousy, envy, discord, anger, bitterness, insecurity, anxiety, lust, discouragement, hatred and the list could go on and on. If we don’t continually nip them in the bud, the foxes will seek to spoil the growing fruitful vineyards."

It isn't always the easy option, but I hope that I can refocus and train myself to not let foxes sneak into the vineyard and steal my joy. I will not allow them to ambush and demolish the life that I have built in Christ by deceiving me into doing what I do not wish to do. It isn't always easy, but it's worth it. 

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

If you choose to allow your eardrums to succumb to my attempts at singing, then I would greatly prefer you hit play and open another window to listen to your email or something else. I'm rocking some raccoon eyes and the slicked back hair...and I make some pretty awkward faces. ;) If you can make it through the first 20 seconds I think your little ears will be in the clear.


In the event that my link does not work you can copy and paste the following :) http://blog.lproof.org/2013/12/the-foxes-in-the-vineyard.html

My Deepest Confession

This is who I am...

Well, it's what I look like anyway.

Brown hair. Brown eyes. Peachy Skin. I'm just an average person. I put my shoes on one foot at a time just like everyone else does...

I work with kids, and sometimes I do stupid stuff like this. It's fun though, so it doesn't matter all that much that there are a bunch of straws on my head...

I've gone most of my life and never thought I was anything special. I'm Melissa. I'm average, and that's ok. 

Not everyone can be extraordinary. If everyone was extraordinary then no one would be. You have to have the ordinary folks to set the incredible ones apart. 

For a while I tried really really hard for people to consider me to be something extra special. I've gone through seasons in life where I wanted so badly for people to like me that I would hurt myself or make myself really sick.

Eventually, I just stopped trying.

I would tell myself again and again that I just wasn't beautiful like other girls.

I told myself that again and again until I not only believed it but accepted it as a truth. 

Recently, I've had to change my outlook on this particular subject. 

Do you see these flowers? These flowers are very special to me. They were given to me as a gift from a little girl I babysit. 

Flowers Shmowers. Big Whoop. What does that have to do with anything?

I'm so glad you asked...

I look at the little girl who gave me those flowers, and I think about how beautiful she is. She's adorable on the outside with a little button nose and her little four year old features, but her thoughtfulness and kindness are oh so precious. 

I used to look up to my babysitters, teachers, and women in my life in general that I considered to be role models growing up and I thought they were the most beautiful people in the world.

How lucky was I? To be surrounded by such amazing, beautiful women who were also so wonderful and kind?

Yet, I've grown up and wholeheartedly believed that I'm not beautiful.

I entirely believed that no one could ever look at me with the eyes that I've looked at so many with. Eyes full of adoration and admiration.

That sweet little girl looked at me and said "These flowers are so pretty, just like you."

She changed my life and she'll probably never even know...

I work with kids all the time. I work with young ladies and closely with people my own age too. I don't ever want a single one of them to think they aren't beautiful. 

I want them to know that they are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that God loves them very much.

I want them to know that they can be proud of their accomplishments and do anything they dream that they can do.

I want them to know that even if they don't look like a Kardashian or a model, it's what's inside that counts.

I've always known those things. I've always told others those things, but I can't say I've ever believed them myself.

I'm incredibly sorry to the girls that I've been 'preaching' to about self-worth, but that all that time I didn't believe it applied to me...

...Thank you for reminding me of the gospel.

Thank you for showing me over and over again that the inside is what makes each of extraordinary.

Thank you to the sweet sweet angels in my life who have taught me how to love fiercely and to be passionate about all that I do.

Thank you to those who have taught me how to treat others...

...and for telling me again and again how special I was. Even when I didn't believe it.

Thank you to those who have taught me how to have a beautiful heart, and to those who have told me that I am beautiful on the outside...

I think I'm learning to finally believe you.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in it's time."

Loyalty

Hebrews 11:24-26 (NIV)

24 By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward.

^An example of how one man chose to forsake every comfort in his own life to focus on the plan God had for him. It couldn't have been easy. We are called to be loyal followers of Christ. (1Kings 2:3-4) And likewise, He is loyal to us. (Deuteronomy 7:9 Know that Yahweh your God is God, the faithful God who keeps His gracious covenant loyalty for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commands.)

Loyalty is not something that's easy to our flesh and our earthly mindsets. God knows this. He knows that we face trials and temptations every day where we have a choice to draw close to His word and His commandments or to turn and choose a different path. It's 2:30am, and I can't sleep at all because my mind is just reeling with His love for me and His grace.

2 Timothy 2:13 If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is.

Lamentations 3:22-24 We are still alive because the Lord’s faithful love never ends. Every morning he shows it in new ways! You are so very true and loyal! I say to myself, “The Lord is my God, and I trust him.”

Romans 8:35-39 Who will separate us from the Messiah’s love? Can trouble, distress, persecution, hunger, nakedness, danger, or a violent death do this? As it is written, “For your sake we are being put to death all day long. We are thought of as sheep headed for slaughter.” In all these things we are triumphantly victorious due to the one who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor anything above, nor anything below, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is ours in union with the Messiah Jesus, our Lord.

He has proven Himself to me time and time again, yet I often find myself turning away and choosing things that do not prove my loyal relationship to Him. This week I'm striving to be Loyal to Christ. I'm not sure what exactly that may entail, but I know it isn't going to always be an easy choice. I'm slowly learning though, sometimes love isn't a warm mushy feeling. Sometimes you just have to choose to love someone. Even when it doesn't make sense. Even when you're angry with them. You just have to love them.

Every day, Christ chooses to love me. He loves me in every millisecond of every moment. His love for me is loyal, unwavering, and unconditional. I can think of a hundred reasons for Him to not love me, and yet He stays. 

Words can not justify the feeling of peace. <3

If Christians Used Social Media Like We're Supposed To...

Scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll.....

Likes a cat video.

Scroll scroll scroll...

Oh, so-and-so got engaged. Cool. I haven't seen or talked to them in like six years, but that's cool for them.

Scroll scroll scroll scroll scroll...

Like a status with a bible verse on it.

Scroll scroll scroll...

Ew. Why does he post stuff like that? No one cares.

Scroll scroll...

Ugh. She's so fake. Where's the dislike button?

Scroll scroll scroll...

If I see one more stupid recipe video so help me...

Scroll....scroll...scroll...

gah! I hate politics....haha that cartoon was kind of funny though.

Scroll...scroll....................scroll.


I don't know about you but this is what social media has become for me. Mindless scrolling down of pages, mindlessly liking or unliking videos/photos/statuses, and growing increasingly angry and bitter at everyone for posting about their "perfect Pinterest lives."

I'm sorry I sound cynical. I'm sorry this isn't all rainbows and butterflies. When I started writing this post a few weeks ago I was writing it as a formal goodbye to social media. I'm tired of wasting time out of my day on the internet reading about someone's life how someone wants me to perceive their life, and spending time out of my day worried about how people perceive my life. I'm tired of political arguments. I'm tired of "Oh woe is me, I'm on my third season of *insert particular Netflix drama* because I have too much time on my hands." I'm tired of scandalous pictures and mind numbing articles about how you can "do THESE four things to make him love you forever!" I'm tired of the quizzes that use your favorite color to predict your five year plan, and I'm tired of politics. (Yes, I know I mentioned politics twice. On purpose.)

Social Media has become less about connecting with others and more about mind numbing escapes from our realities. I know this for a fact, because I am SOOO guilty of it! What's worse, do you know what else I'm guilty of? I'm guilty of being "friends" with people that I either A) don't know very well in real life or B) get along with very well in real life and I get MAD at them on social media. I do! I know that's ridiculous. I'm not proud of it!!! I'm simply stating that I struggle with keeping my emotions in check sometimes. I look at posts from someone I don't know very well, let's say someone I had a class with once my freshman year of high school, and I find myself rolling my eyes and saying to myself "there's no way her life is actually life that." or "wow. I can't believe he just did THAT." I find myself judging and being jealous. I look at posts of people that I just don't get along with in real life and feel a red hot bubble swelling up from somewhere really deep down that I'm ashamed exists in my heart.

Everyone I've talked to says that they feel this way sometimes too. I think it's just a part of what makes us human.

So, with that being said, let's go back to my original intention for this little post. Farewell Facebook! Peace out Pinterest! Hasta la Vista Instagram! Toodle-loo Twitter! I'm done!!! It would make sense, wouldn't it? I'm tired of it, so I'm letting it go.

But I started thinking...it's a dangerous thing to do sometimes, but I thought nonetheless.

How many of my Facebook friends aren't Christians?
How many non christian friends see bible verses that I pin on Pinterest?
How many followers do I have on Instagram and Twitter that see my posts about joy that comes from the Lord who may never be exposed to it from others?

There's an alarming amount.

So I took a step back and reevaluated.

There's no reason for me to cut out social media and stop it cold turkey. There are a dozen or so reasons that I would like to, but there's no reason to do it just yet. Because here's the thing: what would happen if I let God into every aspect of my life, even my social media, and allowed Him to take charge of spreading His love for others through me? What would happen if I spent less time complaining? Less time passive-aggressively posting about he-said she-said drama? Less time posting things that take away from God's glory, and more time focusing on things that point others to Him? Do you think others would notice? I think they might!

I write this post as a challenge to myself, but to other christian friends in my circle as well. If Jesus was your friend on Facebook or a follower of your Instagram account with whom you could interact, would you still post the things you post and say the things you say? If I'm being honest I would reevaluate a lot of the things I had going on. If you're a normal human being, you probably would too. This week may we be challenged to use every aspect of our lives to glorify Christ. Even the seemingly meaningless social media. You never know what's going to effect somebody.

*Disclaimer! I'm not saying that christians currently aren't using social media outlets to spread the good news. I'm simply calling attention to the fact that we might not realize the limitless opportunities we have before us.

Nobody Wants It

Have you ever had the type of dream where you wake up and you feel like the earth is spinning too quickly? You look around your dark bedroom and you feel like you’ve just had an out of body experience on an outlandish adventure, and you can’t quite believe that what you just felt in the dream didn’t happen in real life. Sometimes the dreams are pleasant- maybe you flew across the world in a day and saw the seven wonders that took your breath away. Sometimes the dreams are dark- maybe you just spent the last three days being chased by a bug-eyed mad man with a knife and a foot fetish…

Regardless of what the dream entailed specifically; you wake up and something just doesn’t feel right. Most people calmly get up and get a glass of water, or take a few deep breaths and go right back to sleep. These types of dreams and those types of heart pounding feelings only happen occasionally after all. For me, these feelings happen all the time. It doesn’t matter if I’m awake or sleeping. I constantly feel like the world is spinning a little too quickly and like I can’t get a grip on what’s happening. It’s been like this for my entire life. My heart is a wild horse galloping aimlessly through an open field with no plans of stopping. It just runs faster and faster no matter what. I can’t control it.

This of course causes the adrenaline to race through my veins and into every inch of my body. I can feel it spreading as my pulse gets even quicker, my skin becomes greasy and slick, my fingers tremble, and knees become nothing but contorted muscles that use to be. My breath comes quickly, but try as I might I cannot under any circumstances seem to catch it. It’s like trying to catch every raindrop falling from the sky on a stormy day into one bucket- hopeless and completely impossible.

            Having anxiety is like having a large rock tied around your waist by a string. Most of the time that rock weighs you down and makes you feel like you’re drowning. Your lungs burn; your head starts pounding, and you thrash around in frantic attempts to save your own life from a situation that may not be real. Other times it simply sits there keeping you anchored to real life. Your thoughts are cautious, every possibility is carefully combed over, and every action is well thought out. Regardless of its implications, it’s a nuisance and not something anyone would voluntarily want to live with.

It's a nuisance and not something anyone would voluntarily want to live with.

 Can I reiterate that? Great. Thanks. One more time...I want to make sure you understand.

No one who genuinely has anxiety wants to live with it. 

So here's an idea: Don't ever assume someone is "faking it" for attention. Someone accused me of faking it several years ago, and it took me a really really long time to get over. I was at a youth conference my senior year of high school and was sitting in the middle of the row between a dozen or so people. I was sitting there listening to some speaker begin his sermon and my hands started to get really clammy. My ears started ringing. My head was pounding. My heart felt like the viral video of the gorilla at the zoo pounding on the glass over and over again. I looked around and knew I needed to leave before it got worse. I was afraid that if I moved then everyone on my row would think something was wrong with me. I was afraid that all the people sitting behind me would be aggravated that I was blocking their view for the twenty seconds that it took for me to leave. I was angry with myself for feeling so lousy and anxious in the middle of a youth conference for Pete’s sake! So I sat and tapped my fingers and felt my legs shaking. I couldn’t hear a word the man was saying, and the only thing I could think about was how badly I needed some fresh air before my head imploded. I leaned over to one of our chaperones and told them that I was having an anxiety attack and needed to step outside. This individual asked me incredulously if I was serious, and when I made it outside they told me I was being ridiculous.

Duh.

Dude. I know that.

I KNOW that.

I know I’m being ridiculous. I know you can’t possibly understand me because I don’t understand me! I know that leaving a quiet, safe place to come outside in a hyperventilating mess of tears over nothing at all doesn’t make sense to you! I KNOW it doesn’t because I can’t even comprehend it myself.

So yeah. I’m being ridiculous. Thank you very much for your mighty words of wisdom. 

Now of course, in this person’s defense. They didn’t know any better. They kind of just assumed the whole “tough love thing” is how lifelong issues were resolved and taken care of. Fair enough. And yeah, a 17 year old girl standing with her arms folded and a scowl on her face for no apparent reason? If I didn’t know better I would assume she was messing with me too and trying to get out of sitting in a crowded room for longer than necessary. So I get it. Honest mistake. Slip of the tongue. It happens.

This particular situation and ones that happened before and after came up again. And again. And someone eventually asked me why I felt like I needed to pretend to have anxiety to obtain attention from others. I haven’t ever been physically punched in the gut by another human being before, but if I had to imagine the feeling that moment when I was asked that question would have been it. I was caught off guard. I felt utter disbelief combined with overwhelming hurt and embarrassment. The wind caught in my throat. Tears gathered in my eyes, words choked and lost somewhere in my brain. I sat there with my jaw slack and fingers trembling.

If people thought I was doing it for attention and anxiety was just a made up mental illness then there’s something wrong with me. There’s something wrong with me. There’s something wrong with me. There’s something wrong with me. Anxiety is made up. Anxiety isn’t real. Something in my brain just makes me think that’s something wrong with me so I make it up and pretend it’s anxiety. But now my anxiety is a burden on people around me. Now my anxiety is something made up that people around me think that I don’t actually have. People think I’m weird and crazy. Anxiety doesn’t exist, it’s in my head. Something’s wrong with me.

Awesome…

I walked around for a long time after that and just assumed I couldn’t talk to anybody about what was bothering me, because I would assume that they wouldn’t believe me.  My anxiety got worse and worse. Each attack more physiological than the last, and ultimately one particular panic attack landed me in an ER last summer.

Nobody. Wants. To. Live. Like. That.

Nobody wants to live life feeling like they’re trapped in an airtight room with hundreds of people and no one to talk to. Nobody wants to “fake it till they make it” 100% of the time. Nobody wants to pretend that something they have that affects their lives everyday doesn’t actually exist at all. It’s like knowing you have a broken ankle, but walking around all-day and pretending like it doesn’t hurt you at all. You may be limping and in dire pain, but you aren’t going to bother anyone by asking for painkillers or a trip to the doctor to get it checked out. That would be ridiculous.

I write this post to remind you of the importance of mental illness awareness. Educate yourself. Learn as much as you can about something that so many people live with. NAMI reports that One in four adults−approximately 61.5 million Americans−experiences mental illness in a given year. Approximately 20 percent of youth ages 13 to 18 experience severe mental disorders in a given year. For ages 8 to 15, the estimate is 13 percent. Approximately 18.1 percent of American adults−about 42 million people−live with anxiety disorders, such as panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), generalized anxiety disorder and phobias. The statistics are overwhelming. You can’t ignore it. So I’m begging you, if you’ve read this far down and I still have your attention will you just please please PLEASE make it a goal in your own life this week to become more understanding of the things you don’t 100% know about?  Everyone makes mistakes. You've probably in your life at some point or another said something to somebody who struggles anxiety or depression, or any invisible illness for that matter, and said something that really hurt their feelings. Ok. But do something about it so it doesn't happen to somebody else again.