Mary, Did You Know?

Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?

Mary did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?

Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?

This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you.

Mary did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?

Mary did you know that your baby boy will calm the storm with his hand?

Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?

And when you kiss your little baby, you kissed the face of God.

The blind will see, the deaf will hear, the dead will live again.

The lamb will leap, the dove will speak, the praises of the lamb.

Mary did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?

Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?

Did you know that your baby boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?

That sleeping child you're holding is the great I am

This is my all time favorite Christmas song. I love this version; the harmonies, the dissonance, the simplicity of the music video, the facial expressions, the rawness of the acapella rendition, the candles, all of it. I tear up every single time I listen to it. But even more important than all of those things, I love the lyrics.

Can you imagine meeting Mary today? Go to the land of "What If" for a moment and just make-believe with me. Imagine that Jesus had past away about 15 years ago. Mary had Jesus when she was a teenager, he died thirty three years later, and about fifteen years after that I would assume that Mary would be in her early/mid sixties. 

Pretend you're walking with Mary in a local marketplace. It's hot, the two of you have been shopping for a variety of fruits and vegetables for a dinner at church the following evening, but you stopped at the well in the middle of the marketplace for a drink of water. Mary hands you her pot that she had been patiently carrying on her back all morning and asks you fill it for her. She walks over to a shady spot under the tree and closes her eyes to rest for a few moments from the long day of shopping. You watch as strands of her grey hair shake loose from the wind and begin to peek out from under the scarf wrapped around her head. She has a forever smile that plays on the edges of her lips, regardless of what she seems to be talking about. She's just the kind of woman who is constantly filled with joy. You only met her a day or two ago when you were passing through town when you were visiting a local church, but when she overheard you asking another local if she knew of any places in the area you could stay for the night she eagerly stepped up and offered you the extra bed she had in her home. 

You walk over towards her with the water, she opens her eyes, and thanks you continuously for filling it for her. She takes a few sips and then offers it to you. As you sip the cold water you feel it slide down your dry throat and practically spread to every inch of your hot, tired body. The two of you sit under the shade tree watching the children play a game with some rocks a few feet away. After about fifteen minutes of sitting quietly, you get the guts to ask her. 

"Mary, may I ask you a question?" 

She smiles "Sure, go ahead." 

You clear your throat. Even after drinking the water, it suddenly feels very dry again and you start to get nervous. "When you held the baby in your arms in the stable so many years ago, did you have any idea as to the great things He would do?" 

With her eyes, she gives you a deeper and kinder smile that teases you for more information. "Like what?" 

"Well...did you have any inclination that He would perform inconceivable miracles like giving sight to the blind, walking on water, or raising the dead back to life? Did you know that that little, helpless infant would grow up to be a man who would literally carry the weight of the world on his shoulders and die so that sinners could one day live with him in paradise? Did you have any idea?" 

She takes a long sip of her water, sits back, and looks pensively at the same children who were now chasing each other in circles. You hold your breath, worried you've asked a question that she might think is too personal. When she finally speaks, you release a sigh of relief and listen intently. 

"I had no idea." Her eyes close as she remembers the night from so many years ago. "I was such a young girl when he was born. And honestly? I was afraid. Here I was, with my husband and surrounded by animals in a stable, and strangers slowly trickling in to worship to this infant King that I had just given life to. I had no idea what would happen next. I was worried that I wouldn't be a good mother, or at least not one worth raising the Savior of the entire world." Her eyes welled up with tears. "But God provided. He provided a peace for my anxieties, and He always provided a way to care for our sweet little family...No sweet friend, I had no idea of the things the Son of God would do in the lifetime He was given here on earth. I knew He would do great things, but I never imagined." 

Her eyes welled up with tears as she smiled and lifted her head up to the sun that was glowing down on us from the sky. I reached out and touched her hand, and she turned her head and smiled yet again. 

"I miss him," she whispered, "but I know I get to see my little boy again in heaven one day because he provided a way for me to be forgiven for my sins and live in paradise forever."

I Don't Know...

I don't know how to explain it to you- or anybody for that matter.

I don't know how to tell you that I can't go to your party on Thursday night because you have a small apartment and it's going to be crowded...and I just can't do small crowded places.

I don't know how to tell you that I'm sorry I cancelled our plans for Friday night...again...but being out other times this week has left me drained, grumpy, and feeling on edge.

I don't know how to tell you that having anxiety does not make me a self-loathing, worrisome, introvert that won't talk to people. [I can do just about anything if you give me enough of a heads up.]

I don't know how to tell you that I want to sit in the back of the room or to the side because I want to be able to slip out easily if I start to have an anxiety attack.

I don't know how to tell you that when I'm in "freak out" mode there's nothing you can say to fix it. I need you to let me freak out, maybe yell at you if necessary, and then when I calm down let me rationally discuss my fears with you.

I don't know how to tell you that I don't want to give a toast or a talk at your [insert significant occasion here.] I will if I have to, and I will if I spontaneously feel led to, but to talk in front of a large group of people is one of the most terrifying things you can ask me to do.

I don't know how to tell you what it feels like. I don't know how to explain that it feels as though there are about 15 college sized textbooks pressing down on my chest, a hundred needles poking my arms and legs, a pounding in my head that won't let up, my own voice in my head playing the worst case scenario over and over like a horrible late night commercial that just won't stop, and utter fear racing through my veins....for often times no reason.

I don't know how to tell you how embarrassed I get. When I was in high school someone found me hyperventilating in a corner of the church while we were playing a hide and go seek kind of game, and ran to tell my youth pastor that they thought I was dying. When I was at Frosh Camp I went to the bathroom and cried for an hour because I was so overwhelmed. A few months ago I got pulled over for speeding and the police officer kept telling me to stop crying/breathing so hard and sign the ticket before he called an ambulance to come and administer oxygen. Early this last summer I landed in the ER because of a panic attack. In 8th grade I ran off the stage in the middle of the Hallelujah chorus, down the aisle of a church, through the back doors, and into the bathroom. (I know that I briefly considered leaving the building altogether, but then panicked over what my mother would do if I ran out of the building entirely.) Last week, I had to leave a meeting and take a walk because I felt an attack brewing, and when I walked back in everyone was in the middle of something. I don't enjoy it. I don't do it for attention. I don't like talking about it. I don't like what anxiety does to my body, and I don't like what I miss out on in life because of it.

I don't know what to say back when you tell me to pray about it or that I shouldn't be worried about anything. I know that. I have bible verses on a post it note in my car. I have a playlist of worship songs on my iPod that have words to perfectly describe God as our comfort, our rock, and our protector when we feel afraid. And as much as I appreciate you trying to help, I need you to pat me on the shoulder and tell me that it's just going to be okay. I need you to remind me that God is going to take care of me, and that I shouldn't hate myself or beat myself up over it.

I don't know how to tell you that I feel SO much better than I used to. I don't take medication for it anymore. (But I don't think there is anything wrong AT ALL for those who need it.) I don't skip school or classes because I'm afraid of failing. I don't stare down at my feet for the entirety of a choir performance. I don't skip trying new things anymore. I sing solos at church and lead bible studies on occasion. I walk up to people and introduce myself, and I make plans to do things with others. (All of which may seem simple to you, but to someone who struggles with anxiety it can sometimes be a big deal.)

I don't know how to talk about my anxiety, but I know it doesn't define me.

I know when I need to get out of a situation and take a walk, call a friend, take a break, go for a run, or read the bible.

I know that I used to have crippling anxiety attacks every day, and now I only get little ones once in a while.

I know a lot of my triggers now, and I know how to avoid them. If I can't avoid them, then I have learned how to cope with them.

I know that I have amazing brothers and sisters in Christ who encourage me when I need it, and a family that is so supportive and gracious to me- even when we all know I don't deserve it at all.

I know that God has carried me through a lot, and I know that I am thankful for the challenges He has presented in my life that has shaped me into who I am today. I don't know much, but I know that I've learned a lot in my twenty years of life. And I will be forever grateful to the life lessons I've learned throughout the way.

I know that this thing I still struggle with on occasion isn't ever going to hold me back from what God wants me to do in my life. <3

An Open Letter to the Struggling College Student...

Dear Struggling College Student,

Let me begin by saying that I totally understand, and I'm not judging you.

• Last week I had a cup of coffee on my way to school, and then made two trips to Starbucks once I arrived on campus. I would have made a third but I was worried about my barista judging me...so I went and got a large iced latte from Dunkin' Doughnuts instead. I really wish I were kidding, but I'm not.
• I, too, have threatened to drop out of college several times this semester this week today. It's ok. Just breathe. You can do this. And when you don't think you can take a step back, make another cup of coffee if you must, and find a different way of looking at what you're doing. When all else fails look up video clips from old Jimmy Fallon episodes. (Specifically #MyRoomateIsWeird #WorstCollegeParty)
• You are not the only one with an inspirational quotes board on Pinterest that you occasionally look at to remind yourself why you chose this major. (Nurses and Teachers....I'm looking at you.) If you don't have one of these boards, you should make one. I'm pretty sure I have seven....
• I made a playlist on Spotify that has 8 1/2 hours of solid studying music to listen to when I write papers, complete assignments, or study for classes. I have found that the best way to study is to spend ten minutes finding just the right song for my mood, study or write for about four minutes, and then spend another five or ten minutes finding the next study power song  do so quietly. :/
• I use this article as a scientific validation for playing Candy Crush and games like it. http://www.theepochtimes.com/n3/600836-why-do-commuters-crave-candy-crush/ Now you can too. You're Welcome.
• I have an alarm on my phone that says YOU CAN'T HIT SNOOZE AGAIN. YOU MISSED THE FIRST ALARM. and it goes off ten minutes after my first one scheduled in case I miss it.

Like I said, I totally understand. And I'm not judging you. In some way, shape, or form we are all in the same boat. We've all called our mom and asked her what temperature to wash the dark colored clothes in, what the 'eco' button on the dishwasher does, why the dog is running in circles making that weird sound, and how to tell if the chicken for dinner is done boiling. We've all had our fair share of Pinterest fails, and we're all learning from the mistakes we undoubtedly make every day. We are all human, and we're all trying to navigate through real life 101 college. It's hard. Being in school is stressful. Having a job is stressful. Trying to raise a kid is stressful. Trying to become financially independent is stressful. Trying to take care a sick family member is stressful. If you do any of those things combined you're a superhero.
I don't know how 20-something year olds do it but some do. Some do it more gracefully than others, but things get accomplished nonetheless.  And we will continue to do so, and even get better at it, now and every day for the rest of our adult lives. You can do this. We can do this. We're going to make it.

Sincerely,

A Struggling College Student

We All Struggle

So today I came across a story someone on Facebook shared. Truth be told, I ignore shared stories most of the time but this time I stopped to read it. I had to stop once or twice because it honestly sounds like something I would write myself, and it surprised me. If you have time, give it a read. It's a little long, but it's really good I promise.

The story of Genevieve Georget 

OH how I can relate to this story!!!! The 'gold star' references. The things she struggles with. The coffee addictions. When I finished reading it I threw my fist in the air and said YES!! I get you!!!

Here's an example in my own life:

There's a woman at my church that I talk to on Sunday mornings. I really enjoy talking to her, she's a very sweet godly woman. And I sincerely love this woman, but she tells me often that I am her role model. Me. A 20 year old college student who is so far from having her life together that it's not even funny. Me. A young adult who spends more time on figuring out what to wear every morning than I do studying for a big sociology quiz. Me??? As sweet as it is for her to say such a thing, it makes me feel so unbelievably uncomfortable that I don't know what to do. The only thing this woman sees is a 20 year old involved in a church who dresses modestly and doesn't have any tattoos. (yet. If she knew I've ever thought seriously about getting one...lol ) It's super easy to look at me and assume that my life is great and easy and far from being the total wreck that it feels like it is sometimes. If 'gold stars' were passed out on looks alone, I would probably have scrapbooks full of the little jokers. But here's how it really is:

I peel the skin off of my grapes before I eat them.
I care a lot about what people think of me.
I skip classes sometimes.
I don't make straight A's. (Probably because I skip classes sometimes, but that's besides the point)
I feel like a horrible friend and a horrible daughter most of the time.
I have extremely high expectations for myself.
I flip out when I don't meet those expectations.
I unfollow people on Facebook if they get on my nerves.
I really don't have any political opinions at all. Sometimes I try to, but I really just don't care
I can relate to over 90% of the things the lady from the story typed about herself.
I'm afraid of letting others down.
I'm afraid that God will get tired of me making the same mistakes over and over and that he'll get tired of forgiving me. (Even if I know that this isn't true. It's an irrational concern.)
Nothing frustrates me more than not being able to find matching socks, so I usually wear two completely different ones on purpose. (Currently I have a cheetah print one and a hot pink striped one on)
I think that if anyone finds out about the quirky traits, or the scary things from my past, or the things that make me seem 'dark and twisty' that they just straight up will not want anything to do with me. I'll be considered crazy and unlovable.
And there are probably ten thousand more things that I can't even think of.

Here's the truth:
I'm not a good girl who has her life together. And the more I read stories like this, the more I realize that I don't think anybody else is either.

The man with the 9-5 job, a beautiful wife, 3 kids, and a house in the suburbs has struggles.

The woman in the grocery store that you're secretly mad at because she's buying organic fruit snacks that cost $6.85 a box and you're buying the shark gummies that are one sale; she has struggles too.

The student in your biology class who's making As on all the assignments and comes to class dressed to impress every. single. time. has struggles.

The group of ladies in the running club in your town that wake up at the crack of dawn every morning to run 6 miles have struggles.

The men and women in your congregation have struggles.

The pope has struggles.

Your mom has struggles.

Everyone has something that strikes a chord.

I feel like I write things like this all the time, but I just can't help it. I forget all the time. With social media, we can filter what everyone sees. We can even add filters to our pictures to make us look more tan or attractive- distorting reality further. I sincerely forget that the people who take pictures of their salads, vegetables, and paleo-inspired dishes probably don't eat like that all of the time. I forget that the pictures of the sorority sisters who always post selfies with their friends every weekend, still might be lonely sometimes. I forget that the guy who posted he just made an A on an English paper might be struggling in another class. I could go on and on.

Reading stories like this humble me and challenge me to be more authentic. I am encouraged when I read things like this because it reminds me of the frailty and transparency that the human race is capable of showing. If we were all just a little more "real" I wonder how many more people we could encourage every day...

What I think Jesus would say...

With the recent ruling of the Supreme Court to legalize gay marriage across all 50 states today, my social media pages are overflowing with articles, cartoons, pictures, and comments with all types of opinions plastered in large, capital letters. There's no avoiding it, and it's something I've been thinking a lot about. I wasn't really sure what I thought about the topic at all until I read one article called "The 5 things Jesus Would Say to the Gay Community." You can read he article by clicking here.
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For whatever reason, homosexuality seems to be the scarlet letter of today's society. Instead of a giant A that makes people turn away in disgust, it's often christians who sneer and turn away if someone who has a different sexual orientation is coming towards them. I can't tell you how often I see or hear of men and women being ostracized by the church and members of the church families because of his or her sexual orientation. I don't understand how telling someone that because of this one sin in their life they will forever be separated from God because the sin is just "so wrong."

Did you know that there are probably people in your own church who sin? I know. You probably just gasped and spit your espresso all over the computer screen. I'll give you a second to clean that up...
It's true. There are people in your church community who are born again believers that steal, lie, cheat, watch pornography, have substance abuse problems, have affairs, drink underage, sleep around, have addictions, and anything else under the sun. They're human, and humans sin.

Let's say that your pastor just told you a lie. It happens. It wasn't a big lie, but it was a lie nonetheless. Would you start rioting and protesting; screaming at your pastor that he's going to hell because of this one sin? (If you would, then it may be time for you to discuss your anger issues with a professional.)

Let's pretend that your daughter just stole a cookie from the box in the pantry after you specifically told her not to. Do you snatch the cookie from her hand, make a sign that says "THIS sin is inconceivable! You'll never get to heaven if you keep snatching cookies from the pantry!" and tell her she's a filthy excuse for a human?

Now let's look at one more example: Susie Q and John Doe have been married for ten years. They have one kid, two dogs, a turtle named Steve, and a beautiful home in a suburban neighborhood. Susie and John were having problems in their marriage. John had an affair with the lady who checks him out at the Deli in his local grocery store. John confessed his wrongdoing to his wife. They went to counseling, she forgave him, and their marriage survived. They started going to church and on the day that they heard the gospel for the first time, John went up to a friend in the church and said he wanted to become a believer. The friend said "Really?! That's great!" And John said "I have to confess my sins to Jesus and he will forgive me for everything I've done. Lying, stealing, cheating, having an affair-" and the friend jumped up and said "OH NO. No no no no no no NO. Jesus does NOT forgive men who cheated on their wives. Go home. You aren't welcome here."

Do you understand the point I'm trying to make? We're all sinners. Jesus would tell those five things to the gay community. Sure, I agree with that. But I think he would tell those five things, or similar things, to the community of women that gossip in your church family. I think he would tell those things to the community of habitual liars in your church family. I think he would tell those five things to the community of alcoholics that sit throughout the service week in and week out- hungover from the previous night's escapade.

1. I love you.
2. I understand you.
3. I was tempted to do the same things you are doing.
4. I want more for you.
5. I will be here for you.

When I read those 5 things, I consider the sins in my life that I struggle with. Anxiety is a sin and it's something I struggle with all the time. Sometimes I can help it, and sometimes I just can't. If I were sitting in a coffee shop and telling someone for the first time that anxiety is this terrible, soul wrenching sin I deal with and I don't know what to do; I hope and pray that they don't slam their fist on the table and verbally condemn me to hell. I hope they would look at me and say "Jesus loves you.  He understands you. He was tempted to worry. He wants more for you. He will be here for you."

"But Melissa!! You're comparing homosexuality with stealing an Oreo! There's no comparison! This is irrelevant."

To which I reply:

"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23
"For whoever keeps the law but stumbles at just one point of it is guilty of breaking all of it." James 2:10
"Why do you see the speck of sawdust in a brother's eye and attempt to criticize it before removing the plank from your own eye?" Matthew 7:3

Sin is sin. If someone who stole a car can be forgiven and accepted into the kingdom of God, then I believe that people who are gay on earth can be accepted too.
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You don't have to complete a five step plan for Jesus to love you. You don't have to vow to never turn on a computer screen again for Jesus to love you. You don't have to pray fifty three times every hour that God will help you stop worrying for Jesus to love you. You don't have to do a certain dance, sing a certain song, or anything else. You just have to accept that Jesus loves you. Period. That's it. It doesn't matter what the sin in your life is- Jesus still loves you. He died for you on the cross and forgave you for whatever sin in your life that you struggle with. He loves you. He understands you. He was tempted to do the things you are doing. He wants more for you. He will be here for you.

Happy 20th Angie :)

Directions: Hit play. Read post as music plays.

This evening I sat down to write a mushy gushy Facebook status about how much I love my mom. As I typed it out, I realized it's her 20th Mother's Day! (Assuming my father celebrated while she was verrrry pregnant with me for that first one) I had to say something special but i just couldn't get it all to fit on one small status update...

My mom tells us she loves us, but shows us in a million others ways:

She shows us she loves us by cooking us dinner every night- and the woman can cook. You haven't lived until you've had bacon wrapped chicken with chile/brown sugar glaze or her parmesan pork chops. I hate cooking. I can bake when I feel like it, but I don't see how I can possibly become one of those people who cook every. single. night. Even on nights we get take-out or something to go I feel like she cooks something that goes with it.

She shows us she loves us by answering panicked texts or phone calls in the middle of the night. TRUST me, there have been hundreds of them. When I'm having a panic attack in the middle of the night she'll shuffle right in, lay down beside me, and rub my head or talk to me until I fall back to sleep. For a season in high school it was multiple times a week. I don't know if the woman has slept through the night in 20 years. I also have a tendency to get hopelessly lost in the city I've lived in for my entire life. I get flustered and freaked out and often times she has to tell me gently that I went East instead of West (or vice versa.) My brother was on a painkiller for his side once and imagined there were spiders crawling on him in the middle of the night. Guess who came in at 2am and killed all the imaginary spiders? My mom.

She shows us she loves us by spending hours upon hours waiting. She waits in the long lines at wal-mart and Kroger to buy us the essentials for the week. She waits for us to answer our phones/texts to make sure we got to where we were going. She spent years waiting in doctor's offices to go with us to be seen about the latest hit on the head or viral infection they couldn't do anything about. She waited patiently and watched with pain as we made our own mistakes, and she waited for us to admit that we needed her help on more than one occasion. She waited in before and after school traffic. She waited for cakes to cool and for icing to set as she slaved over the coolest birthday cakes every year. She waited for us to change our mind six times about what we wanted to be for Halloween before she finally bought or made the costume. She waited for us to clean our rooms....she's still waiting on that one.

She shows us she loves us by spending money on both things we need and things we want. Just today (the day before mother;s day mind you) the woman bought me two bathing suits, a hat, a new shirt, and a pair of shorts. Just because. She'll take me to lunch when I'm having a bad day. She buys me coffee or breakfast in the mornings when she knows I had a bad night the night before. She buys me things for my future classroom. She buys me things for my current classroom at the church. She buys me goofy little happys from the Dollar Tree and Target clearance section all the time. Seriously, I can't tell you how many light up twirly toys, princess crowns, novelty pens, and colorful pencils I have in a box in my room. And no, I won't be getting rid of them anytime soon.

She shows us she loves us by telling us no. No, you can't go to "xyz" because of "abc." No, you can't get your hair dyed blue Melissa. No, you can't wear shorts that barely cover your rear end....I can't tell you how many times I hear the word "No." BUT I can tell you how many times I've been seriously hurt over something stupid I did. And nine times out of ten it's because I didn't ask my mom or did it even though she told me not to. The woman knows what she's talking about usually.

She shows me she loves me by listening. She has heard me yell, cuss, scream, cry, rant, cuss, wail, cry, yell, scream, and rant some more on practically a weekly basis. She has listened to meltdown after meltdown. She has listened to me tell stories for thirty minutes that could've been summed up in three sentences and end with "Well you had to be there." She has listened to every Jesse McCartney song I had on repeat in the fourth grade. She has listened to me talk obnoxiously on the phone in the next room for hours. She listened to me practice dance recital routines as a kid, practice speeches and presentations, practice solos and choir songs....over and over and over again.

She dropped everything she was doing more than once to come when I was yelling her name from the other room to tell her I was ____ (hungry, bored, missing the remote.) She laughed with me when I had a corny joke to say or when she said something funny by mistake. She cried with me when we went to say goodbye to Piper. She stayed up with me to the wee hours of the night finishing science projects and looking over papers that were due the next morning. She loved me- even in the moments where I told her I didn't love her because I was angry or afraid.

Not only does my mother say she loves me, she shows me through the million and one things she does every single day for our family. So, Happy Mothers Day to the most selfless, caring, and all around greatest person I know. I love you too, and wish I could write enough words to tell you how much I appreciate everything you do for me.

Not So Bad...

Today I came home from work and threw my things on my bed. I stomped into the kitchen and made lots of noise getting my macaroni and cheese and sat down with a humph in the living room. After dinner I waltzed back into the kitchen, fixed a heaping serving of ice-cream, and proceeded to take it with me as I sank into a hot, well-deserving bubble bath. After consuming the ice-cream I began to text a handful of friends talking about frustrated I was about this and that. Would you assume from those few sentences that I had a terrible, no good, very bad day? It wasn't until I was beyond pruned and wrinkly that I had this beautiful lightbulb moment...

It wasn't a bad day.

Today I aced an exam, got really good test results at a doctor's appointment, had lunch and coffee with a friend, had a successful meeting with someone, and gave away ice-cream sandwiches to my kids for having such an awesome week last week. What's bad about that? Nothing! Those things are great!! But, I chose for the longest time to focus on the negatives.

The exam was at 8am.
The doctor's appointment took a long time..
Traffic was insane.
I stubbed my toe.
I ran out of time to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish today.
I forgot something really important at work earlier.
My phone is acting up.
Blah. Blah, Blah.

If you look at the little picture, today was the equivalent to a large, smelly diaper on a hot summer day. If you look at the big picture: it wasn't so bad. There were some bad moments, but it wasn't a bad day. That's funny isn't it? I came home in such a funk over such a day, and I complained about it to everyone. Everyone. (Sorry to those who deserve so much more than an apology over my rants and tears.) At no point did I stop and tell someone a positive about this day.

Perspective is an important aspect of life. I wish I took the time more often to sit back and be thankful for the things I do have rather than spend precious time and energy on all of the tiny, meaningless things that are completely irrelevant.

Here's the Truth

Something has been weighing heavily on my heart for quite some time now. I've tried over and over again to find a way to express it, and I just haven't been able to up until this point. I just ask that you bear with me and try to follow my ramblings and antics the best that you can if you're reading this.

I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior the summer before my freshman year of high school. We were on a youth trip and I remember vividly sitting down with my youth pastor and telling him that I knew some stuff about Jesus but I didn't know Him like other people on that trip seemed to know him. I'm pretty sure I cried some a lot. And I guarantee you it wasn't the last time my youth pastor saw me cry. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm mad, I cry when I'm upset or frustrated, I cry when I'm scared- I cry a lot. It's okay, I've accepted that. Moving on...

High school wasn't easy: I feel like looking back there was always something. Be it typical teenage stuff or the more looming medical issues I faced as time went on; I pinky promise I will never be one of those girls that says at her 20th reunion "High School was the best 4 years of my life!"
Today I stumbled upon my old journals I kept in high school. They were prayers I had written down to God mostly. 9th grade through 11th grade were funny to read. I questioned a lot of stuff but I always wrote out, with confidence, that I knew God was going to take care of me and use every trial I faced for something great. I wrote about how my youth group was growing, how I started a middle school girls bible study my junior year, about the youth trips and the goofy things that happened, and about how much I was completely head over heels in love with Jesus. And even though it was hard sometimes, I wrote down everywhere in all of these journals that I loved and adored every single thing about my Savior.

Then I found my journal from 12th grade. It was short. Maybe 15-20 entries at most. It started off with the similar entry about going to Florida once again for yet another Destin youth trip, but it didn't end with me thanking God or writing about anything positive at all actually.

"God, I'm tired. I don't know what to do with you anymore. Sorry, I'm just being honest. I'm tired of having to be reliable and good all the time. I'm tired of staring at a blank page and not knowing what to say. I'm tired of waiting for you to work everything out for my good. And I'm not even excited about this trip. I just want to figure all of this out this week. I still love you, but I don't know what to do right now."

Throughout the course of that week I wrote similar entries over and over again. "God what am I doing here?" "What are you doing with me?" "Please help me just be nice to people." Even on my 17th birthday when my youth group threw a surprise party for me in our conference room at the beach, while I was excited and wrote about every detail of how sweet and thoughtful it was for everyone to do that for me,  I ended it with "Why are you so silent recently God? Aren't you hearing me?"

I wrote an entry once every month or two months after that week on the beach ended. I wrote about having a seizure, and then wrote about all the migraines that followed. I wrote about a family friend struggling with terminal cancer, I wrote about hating how much school I missed, I wrote about being lonely because no one wanted to be friends with the kid who is literally never at school, and I wrote about how church was the only place I felt even semi-normal but even as the course of senior year unfolded it wasn't a place I liked to be. (That last point is a big deal because at many different points in my freshman and sophomore year of high school I wrote that my favorite place on earth would be anywhere my church family was. To say that I was tired of being there breaks my heart a little bit.)
I didn't stop being a christian. I still prayed for answers, I still went to church, I still would ask people for advice, and I still would read my bible at night in hopes that something encouraging would jump out of the pages.

I have now almost completed my second year of college. I've loved college! It's crazy busy all the time but with the medical issues sorted out I finally have time for being involved in activities on campus, being more involved in my church as a whole, working a job, hanging out with friends, etc. I love Jesus. I love him and talk to him and talk about him when I can, but after reading those journals today I would openly admit that I haven't been in love with Him in a long time. 

I haven't been in love with Jesus in a long time.

Do you understand what I'm saying? I'm not saying that I don't love Jesus. I'm saying that it's been a while since I've read my bible because I wanted to soak up everything He ever wanted me to know. I'm saying it's been a while since I've sang or heard a song and cried because I was so moved by the thought of having the privilege to worship my Heavenly Father. I'm saying that it's been a while since I've written out a prayer, or even said one out loud, that had me listing all the things I'm overwhelmingly thankful for and reasons I absolutely adore Jesus. Do you get it? Can you relate to what I'm saying at all, or have I crossed into the rambling lunatic stage? I love going to church. I love learning about the Bible. I love hanging out with my friends and being around my church family. But I can't tell you the last time I was in love with Christ.

Why not? Why haven't I been in love with Jesus? Why did I become numb to what the gospel was all about and why did it make me into this cynical, bitter person that I can more often than not be?

Life got real. Life got hard. Life got messy. And I started to get beat up and worn out. I got over it, but I was bitter because of it. So I would try to counteract my bitterness with perfectionism to prove to everyone that I was fine and not bitter at all. I became mean on my insides, so I would work super super hard to make sure my actions and all the things on the outside didn't show that. Because nobody likes a mean, messy, bitter person. Eventually, I just grew numb. I did what I had to do every day to make it look like I had it all together. If I acted the right way then maybe my passion for Jesus would come back. If I did the right things and said the right things maybe it would be easier for me to fall in love again. I didn't. And I stopped trying up until recently.

Over the last week or so my prayers have been heartfelt, fervent pleas for God to reveal Himself to me and I feel like He has. He also reminded me of what child-like faith really is. Between the ages of 17 and 21 you start making the transition to adulthood. Adulthood is this scary place where you pay bills, get in fights with other grown ups, watch your friends get married, mourn with your friends over miscarriages, watch people get completely wasted over drugs and alcohol, get a job and plan for your future career, watch the news, read nonfiction for fun, and eat Brussels Sprouts because somehow your taste buds have miraculously changed. During this crazy transition to this scary new chapter in life, it's so much easier to doubt and question everything you've ever known. It was easier for me to believe and trust in God as a child because I didn't have any giant decisions to make. I didn't have any reason to doubt Him. I didn't have any reason to question the reality of the gospel. I just purely, wholeheartedly, believed. And that belief grew into a love and adoration until I suddenly was faced with trials to make me ask God what He was doing.

So what do I do? I just admitted to you, whoever you are, that I am a secret cynical perfectionist who has fallen out of love with the One who breathed life into my existence. That's rough.

Preach the gospel to yourself.

I can't help but hear the voice in my head of a pastor who used to say in his sunday school lessons and sermons all the time: Preach the gospel to yourself.

I'll tell other people that there's a perfect God who loves every detail about them...but I never tell myself that the same God I'm talking about loves me just as much.
I haven't believed in a really long time that the same God I teach about in bible studies that I've lead before, or the same God I sing praises to on Sunday mornings, or the same God who gives grace so abundantly to everyone in the congregation on Sunday mornings is the same God who loves every part of me and knows everything about me. Do you get what I'm saying?

I was talking about this entire situation with someone recently. He told me that I had forgotten, or maybe just never really believed, that Jesus made me righteous. I am perfect in the eyes of my Father in Heaven. Not because of anything I do, try to do, aspire to do, want to do, wish to do, pretend to do, or do at all. There isn't anything I can do that will make God love me more tomorrow or in the next five minutes that will make him love me any more or any less than He does right now.

There isn't anything I can do to make Him love me any more or any less than He loves me right now.

That has to be the most freeing sentence I've ever written in my entire life. 

In Christ we are free to struggle. We aren't struggling to be free. 

I've had that quote written down on my mirror for a really long time, and it was just another phrase I had grown immune to. Because if I had really believed it, I wouldn't have been struggling so hard. I wouldn't have tried so hard to be this obnoxiously perfect person. I wouldn't have become so self-righteous and prideful. I wouldn't have become so cynical, bitter, and cold towards God's presence in my life. He's all around me every day, and all I can ever say is "OK God. I see you. I don't know what the heck to do with you, but I see you." What kind of a prayer is that?

I decided today to stop trying so hard. To stop running towards impossible expectations and searching for answers in all the wrong places. I struggle with accepting grace. I struggle with believing that there is no act I can do to make God love me, other than simply accepting the fact that He loves me. I struggle with comparing myself to others, insecurities, and countless other things. But I don't have to struggle to find ways to prove I'm strong enough, good enough, perfect enough, nice enough, spiritual enough, great enough, coordinated enough, happy enough, smart enough, involved enough, or funny enough to be loved by God because I can have confidence in the fact that He loves me for me. Imperfections and all.

Unspoken

"Do you have any prayer requests?"

"Unspoken."

Sometimes, there are situations in which this is an okay answer. There are even situations where this is the only ok answer. I want to say now, in the beginning of this post, that I'm not condoning the use of this word. But, I think there are times when christians say this and use it as a blanket answer to avoid messy conversations and getting too personal with people.

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Take what I did today as an example. Someone asked me how they could pray for me, and they were 100% genuine. There were no ulterior motives, there was no hidden agenda. I responded with a generic "Patience for dealing with my kids at work. We're all getting a little restless since we haven't been able to play outside in a while." and a nonchalant "And an unspoken...just some personal things I'm dealing with." 

The person asking if she could pray for me gave me an earnest "Ok! You got it!" and our small group went on sharing prayer requests. 

The truth?

My real prayer request wasn't for patience at work or for motivation at school. My real prayer request was for strength while dealing with severe depression spells and major anxiety attacks for the last couple of weeks. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I'm burned out and fed up with things life keeps throwing at me. They aren't even big things! It's just a million and one little things that overwhelm me. I'm in a weird, dark, funky place and there's nothing I can do right now that feels like it's helpful or productive. I can't sleep at night and I can't stop crying during the day. I feel utterly helpless and defeated and those are miserable things to feel. So my real prayer request is for strength to make it through this week tomorrow and maybe the next day so I can focus on making it through the days after that since every day is a battle to push through the negative emotions and things I'm feeling.

But to admit that would be to admit that I'm a messy person with messy feelings. 

To admit that would mean to admit that the smile on my face is just a really good mask.

To admit that would mean to admit that I don't have my life together at all.

To admit that might mean that someone will judge me and not like me and my broken, messed up life...

So I smile and say "Unspoken."

Sure, they can pray for Melissa's unspoken prayer request. God knows what I'm referring to, and when they pray for it He'll know exactly what they're talking about. I have no doubt in my mind that this is true. But, my family and friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, will not know how to encourage me. They will not know that the simple "Hello! I hope you have a great day!" text message means the world to me. They won't have a clue that I'm struggling with something so painful. How can I expect them to? I won't tell them, so how will they know?

Every single week I hear people say "I have an unspoken prayer request that I need lifted up." or I read someone else's response to the question "How can I pray for you?" and see the word "Unspoken." And it just makes me wonder if they hurt as much as I do when the thick, three syllable word rolls off my tongue.

There's a time and a place for everything. Maybe the middle of the supermarket where you run into someone who sits a few rows ahead of you during service isn't the best time or place to go into your life story and detailed struggles of the past week or the weeks ahead. But maybe earlier when someone asked me how they could pray for me I should've just said "You know, I've really been struggling with depression and anxiety attacks for the last several weeks and I could just use some encouragement." because I was with people I know and trust, and in a situation where it would have been okay.

It's okay to be real with people. It's okay to be honest. It's okay to open up to one another and use the struggles in your life to encourage each other and build each other up. We don't have to live perfect Pinterest lives. We don't have to smile all the time. We don't have to have it all together. We can be messy and broken and beautiful, but we can do it together.

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Galatians 6:2 "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ"

Romans 12:!5 "Rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with those who mourn."

"My hero doesn't wear a cape. He wears a cross."

Happy Easter <3

Encouragement for Today

You aren't my competition.

Let's play a game. It's intense, high stakes, and requires a lot of concentration so I don't recommend it for the faint at heart. Here are the rules:

1. There is always a loser. Always. A majority of that time the loser is going to be you. The same singular loser, regardless of who's playing.
2. You have to verbally idolize the success and positive attributions of others while bringing yourself down as far as you possibly can. Think of the worst thing about yourself, and put it next to all of the best things you adore about the person you admire. Think of that one awful thing you did two summers ago. Or that one thing that you hate about yourself that you do all the time. Keep thinking about it....obsess over it...don't stop.
3. Once you start playing you can't ever stop. You'll do it constantly, on purpose, on accident, at the grocery store, in the shower, at the movies, all. the. time.

Welcome to the comparison game. You won't see many volunteering as tribute for this one...
You've probably been playing round after round for as long as you can remember without even knowing. Sometimes you'll win: the person who you thought of just wasn't up to the standards you had laid out or thought up. But, winning the comparison game is a rarity. And guess what? No trophies, medals, ribbons, honorable mentions, or free coupons have ever been given to the winner of a comparison game. Sorry. You only occasionally get a brief satisfaction blended with guilt, peppered throughout by constant jealousy and spite.
The game is intense and exhausting. You may scrutinize an individual for days, weeks, months, possibly even years before deciding that he or she is better than you, that you aren't half as good as they are at whatever it is that they do, that they rule and you drool, and that you never stood a chance.

Here's the BEAUTIFUL thing I want you to read over and over:
You do not have to be in competition with the people around you. 

Here's what that means to me...

To the girls with the 4.0 GPA...you are not my competition.
To the ladies who fit perfectly somewhere between too little and too big...you are not my competition.
To the women who have everything in life color coded, organized, highlighted, and written in 7 different colors of ink...as much as I admire that...you are not my competition.
To the young ladies who are barely 20 years old, in perfect relationships, engaged, or soon to be married...you are not my competition.
To the girls with the hair that looks absolutely, overwhelmingly perfect...even in a messy bun...you are not my competition.
To the women who have picturesque Pinterest apartments...you are not my competition.
To my dear friends who are more outgoing than I am and know how to charm and work a room with a ease...you are not my competition.
To the peer in my class that my professor seems to call on more than any other student...you are not my competition.
To my role models and people I look up to and admire for being seemingly perfect at everything they do...guess what....you are not my competition.

Life shouldn't be this constant competitive game. We should strive to do our best and in doing so put our best foot forward, but we shouldn't break our backs trying to win these mental games in our heads. I don't need to walk in a room and be the sole individual with the best grades, the best clothes, the cutest scarf, the most interesting major, the most chaotic week, the funniest story, the nicest manicure, etc. I don't need to walk into a room and feel horrible for not wearing matching socks or having my hair up in a messy bun and wearing sweatpants for the third night this week. I don't need to walk into class and begin to beat myself up because Susie got an A+ on her English assignment but I got a D-. I shouldn't re read Facebook statuses, Instagram posts, tweets, or blog posts over and over again dozens of times a piece LOOKING for mistakes in fear of making one and being thought less of by people who know me. I shouldn't think that I have to act one way around one group of people and act another way around another group just to get people to like me. Because guess what? 

It isn't a competition. 

Everyone is fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ps. 139:14)
We are loved unconditionally. (1 John 4:16)
We are children of the King. (Galatians 3:26)
We all have special talents and gifts that can be used for His glory. (1 Peter 4:10-11)
And this is true for all of us: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8)

So often I let jealousy, anger, bitterness, fear, pride, and spite cloud my judgment. I get lost in the land of if only, and I forget that often in my mind while playing round after round of the comparison game, I'm tearing my own brother or sister in Christ down in order to build myself up. It just isn't worth it. We're supposed to love one another and serve one another humbly so that we may become more like Christ. Where is there room for that in rounds of the comparison game?

So, I leave you with the challenge of forfeiting. Forfeit the game, call it quits, find a new game to play. Find ways you can compare yourself to your Creator instead of those around you, and challenge yourself to become more like Jesus instead of succumbing to your earthly ideas of ideals and unattainable perfection.

To Him....

Read This. Do it. 

http://stephaniemetaxas.blogspot.com/2015/02/dear-mr-right.html?spref=fb

Did you read it? Are you sure? Ok. 

Let me tell you a secret that I have shared with very few, and a story that I hope will inspire you like Stephanie's inspired me...

On December 29th, 2013 I wrote a letter to my future husband for the first time. (Let the record show, Megan Trainor's song didn't come out until 2014 so I was definitely doing this before a pop song put an idea into my head.) My favorite book series of all time is the Christy Miller series by Robin Jones Gunn and I probably read all twenty eight books in the series while I was in high school at least twice. My favorites I know I re read three or four times! The stories are about a young girl, Christy, accepting Christ as her Savior and learning what it meant to walk with Him throughout different seasons of life. In the books Christy wrote letter after letter to her future husband to let him know that she had started praying for him when she was in high school and that she thought and prayed for him often. I would definitely say that Robin Jones Gunn is the inspiration behind what I started doing. 

Right around Christmas of my senior year of high school I realized how important it was to me that I begin praying for the heart of my future husband. I began to pray that if my future husband wasn't a Christian yet that God would put Godly men and women in his life to lead him to Christ, that God would protect him and help him in times of tribulations, that God would work on both of our communication skills so we will one day work effectively as a team, that God continues to expose us to situations that test our understanding of others so that we may one day be understanding and patient towards each other, and so many other things. I began to write it all out one night in a hot pink gel pen and that's when the letters started...

Currently there are only six letters. This isn't something I do very often, and the letters aren't even very long. They're heartfelt and full of promises and prayers, but they aren't wordy or frequent. Up until this point I've been keeping these letters hidden under a box, in an envelope, folded up. I can think of only four or five people I've told, and up until this point I couldn't have even imagined sharing this with anyone else. But here's the thing, this doesn't have to be a secret. I'm excited about this and I'm more excited that there are other young women in my community, like Stephanie, who feel the importance for praying for their future spouses. Regardless of whatever the plan God has in store for me, I know he's the author of my story and I'm looking forward to seeing what's ahead.

Rain Rain Go Away....

This time of year is rough, and the rainy days make it harder. Today, was one of those days. I had a hard time getting motivated to get up and going this morning, and all day long I've been on edge. I had a hard time concentrating in Sunday School, I was stuttering and mumbling a lot, I was fidgety, I set my purse down and left it at church (with my wallet and Bible!) I was exceptionally jumpy, I set down my cell phone and forgot it at a restaurant, etc. etc. etc. 

(I found both my purse, wallet, and phone....just so you know.)

Before you roll your eyes and tell me to get over it; seasonal affective disorder is a real thing. I have it. I'm not lazy. I'm not depressed because I've lost meaning in my life. I'm not anxious because I don't pray enough or I'm not active enough or I worry too much.  If you disagree with me, that's your prerogative; but it's a real thing. Nothing frustrates me more than people telling me or other people that anxiety is a state of mind and all in your head. Or that depression is for lazy people who can't snap out of it. I'm sorry you don't understand it and feel like you have to attack it. I don't understand asthma and how it works, but I absolutely don't go around telling people it doesn't exist. You can't look at a person and judge whether or not they have asthma based off of how they look. You can't look at a person and tell if they have an anxiety/depression disorder either. Research is a wonderful thing, do some before you form opinions on things you know nothing about. Sorry if that comes across as harsh, I don't mean for it to. I just want to be abundantly clear.
I don't complain about it too often, but like I said some days are just a lot harder than others.

BUT here's what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for my mom who took me to breakfast, for my friends who made me laugh, for a friend who treated me to lunch for no reason (without even knowing I had a bad day!) for shopping adventures in the Dollar store, for puppy dog kisses when I come home, for a little brother I adore and admire so so much, for being able to jump in puddles and get messy and come in and change into warm clothes and drink hot tea. I'm thankful for my dad, for Super Bowl sunday, and for lots and lots of food to share with friends. I'm thankful for my pastors and sunday school teachers, and children saying funny things that make me laugh. I'm thankful for the ability to set goals and work hard towards accomplishing them. I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the hard days like today that make me appreciate what I have in life. My life isn't perfect. Guess what? That's perfectly okay. :) I love the life I'm living, and when I take a moment to think about all the beautiful things I have- even on a day when it's hard to keep my head above the water- I can't help but praise God for how absolutely wonderful He is.

End of Soapbox.

30 Day Music Challenge

Day 01- A song that makes you happy

"Wildfire" by John Mayer 

Day 02- A song that helps you clear your head

"Breakdown" by Jack Johnson
"The Wonderful Unknown" by Ingrid Michaelson

Day 03 - A song that makes you laugh

"Ticks" by Brad Paisley

Day 04 - A song that reminds you of something sad

"A Heartbreak" by Angus and Julia Stone

Day 05 - A song that has a new meaning to you every time you hear it

"The Weight of Lies" by The Avett Brothers

Day 06 - A song you can always relate to

"Follow Your Arrow" by Kacey Musgraves

Day 07 - A song that is your guilty pleasure

"Faith" by George Michael
"Rich Girl" by Hall and Oates
"Bennie and the Jets" by Elton John
"Jack and Dianne" by John Mellancamp
(I couldn't narrow that one down...)

Day 08 - A song you liked when you were younger

"Beautiful Soul" by Jesse McCartney....anything by Jesse McCartney

Day 09 - A song that makes you want to dance

"Danza Kuduro" by Don Omar 

"Bailando" by Enrique Iglesias 

"Title" by Meghan Trainor 

"Fireball" by Pitbull

Day 10 - A song that makes you cry

"There You'll Be" by Faith Hill

"More Time" NeedtoBreathe 

Day 11 - A song that reminds you of summer

"Hello You Beautiful Thing" by Jason Mraz

"Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepson 

Day 12 - A song that reminds you of your best friend

"Us" by Regina Spektor (because she played it all the time in her car when we were in high school)

Day 13 - A song you sing to in the shower

"Love Song" by Sara Barielles

Day 14 - A song you like hearing live

"Songs like This" by Carrie Underwood. (Hands down the best concert I've ever been to)

Day 15 - A song people wouldn’t expect you to like

"We don't eat" by James Vincent Morrow"Somethin' Stupid" by Frank Sinatra and Nancy Sinatra"Moondance" by Van Morrison

Day 16 - A song that holds a lot of meaning to you

"Rock of Ages" by Sandra McCracken"O love that will not let me go" by Indelible Grace

Day 17 - A song that annoys you

"What Does the Fox Say?" by...I don't even know...or care.

Day 18 - A song you have as your ringtone/want to be your ringtone

"Wordplay" by Jason Mraz was mine for a long time, but now it's a default

Day 19 - A song you’re currently obsessed with

"I know places" by Taylor Swift 

"Paper Doll" by John Mayer 

"I See Fire" (originally by Ed Sheeran, but I LOVE the Peter Hollen version) 

"Rainy Day Woman" by Kat Edmondson

Day 20 - A song from a new album you are waiting for to come out

"Dear Future Husband" by Meghan Trainor

Day 21 - A song you want to dance to at your wedding

"You are the best thing" by Ray LaMontague 

"You and I" by Ingrid Michaelson 

"Until You Came Along" by JJ Heller 

"Now That I've Found You" by Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed

Day 22 - A song that would be the theme song to a TV show about your life

"The Broken Beautiful" by Ellie Holcomb

Day 23 - A song that makes you angry

"Take Me to Church" by Hozier(Not angry so much as disappointed)

Day 24 - A cover song

"Apologize" by Kacey Musgraves 

"Use Somebody" by Laure Jansen 

"I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by Peter Hollens

Day 25 - An acoustic song you love

"Lost Stars" by Kierra Knightly 

"Billie Jean" by the Civil Wars 

"Rather Be" Jasmine Thompson 

"XO" by John Mayer

Day 26 - A song by your favorite band 

"Stones Under Rushing Water" by NeedtoBreathe

Day 27 - A song you make fun of

"It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls

Day 28 - A song that reminds you of your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other

"Stuck Like Glue" by Sugarland 

"Can't Stop Loving You" by Phil Collins 

"Friends" by Michael W. Smith

Day 29- A song currently stuck in your head

"Crazy Love" by Van Morrison...or Michael Buble"That's What's Up" by Lennon and Maisy

Day 30- A song that you haven’t listened to in awhile

"Move it Like this" by The Baha Men 

"Spiderwebs" by No Doubt 

"Umbrella" (Christ Mix) by Coffey Anderson